I've been in bed all day again. It took so much for me to get up and get to the computer. I know I am depressed, I know that I'm messing up. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go anywhere. Today is the first day of Tribal 4. I've spent about a year taking tribal to get to this point. I should be so excited to go. I should be getting ready. I have to leave in an hour. My body feels exhausted, I feel emotionally exhausted. I don't want to go and show my stomach. I don't want to go, and I'm not excited anymore. Nothing is exciting. I haven't been anywhere but my house in days, and now I am terrified to be. I don't know how I took so many steps back in so little time. I don't know what to do, I keep trying to tell someone so that I can get help. But what help is there to be offered? I guess I just wait to find a therapist my insurance will actually cover...wich could take months. I don't have hours. I only have right now, and right now I just want to go back to sleep.
If I get dressed and get up and get ready for the day now, what's the point? It's almost four in the afternoon. It's too late to put on make-up or pep myself up to go anywhere. I'm behind in tribal because I haven't done anything physical in a couple of weeks. I'm exhausted, and it will be embarassing to fall behind. Nothing sounds good anymore, and I can't imagine being happy anymore. I know these are all tricks my mind is playing on me, and that I can indeed be very happy later. But for now I just have to convince myself to get out of the clothes I've been wearing for three days. And I'm disgusted with myself.