Today has been very, very hard. But I let myself cry and lie around for hours on end. I've been trying to let myself feel what I need to while I can. It's funny that my dog Link always knows when something's bothering me. He gets really sad too and stays glued to my side. It's really comforting to have someone like that, silent and pretty understanding. He kept me company while I cried and finally fell asleep. My sister came into the room and took pictures of us lying together because it was apparently cute. Looking at the pictures, I was clinging to him for dear life in my sleep.

I think I'm very afraid of being alone. But what I fail to realize sometimes is that I'm not. I'm not alone at all. It just feels like it sometimes  when something happens and you're feeling extreme pain. It's like all I can focus on is that horrible pain, so bad it makes me feel convinced I could never feel better again. But then somehow, hopefully, you get beyond that pain...it still is this dull ache, but the smoke from the catastrophe begins to clear and things become a little more logical. And although reality and logic are actually pretty painful and hitting hard right now, they're also helping me to see that there are a lot of people in my life who care, and who would be very lost and sad if I weren't around.
I've been suicidal today, and I'm finally in a safe place to where I'm just very sad now.
But I keep trying to tell myself that as sad as I feel now someday I will feel just as good.

You know, I believed every word he told me because I wanted to. And I don't regret it anymore. I truly believe the things he said he thought he meant. I don't feel like I was being played with or lied to, and that gives me a sense of bittersweet calm. He really did care back then, and I really was very important to him at some point. Maybe I will be again someday when he notices I'm gone, I don't know. But I'm backing off for now. No contact unless he comes to me. I just keep telling myself that if that doesn't happen, if he doesn't come back...it has to be okay, I need to occupy myself now. Get out of the house. Embrace the good things around me more.

Just for the record though, I would like to say that I loved him and do love him still very much. The days I spent with him for the most part made me feel so beautiful. I felt pretty and special, and I believe every kind thing he said to me. Those are the things I have to hold onto. He always told me that I was one of the most perceptive people he'd ever met, that I paid attention to things very well and picked up on people's little habits and character traits and that he loved how observant I am. Supposedly the way I say "okay" and "no" he also thought was very cute. Little things like that...I want to hold onto that.
So just for the record, I don't have any bitter feelings towards being basically ignored or downgraded right now. I think he has his own stuff to sort through. He's busy. And he's got his life to live, people to see. 

But I have mine too. I have mine too.