So now that the shop is officially closed and we've spent the past three or four days packing up everything in a frenzy...all the book cases and furniture and boxes upon boxes of books are now in our home until further notice. There's nowhere to sit, there's nowhere to walk through this mess, my room is just unmanagable. This has actually really, really caused a lot of emotional negativity for me. I think that I'm feeling boxed in and out of control and I just cannot wait to get all of this crap out of here. It's literally driving me crazy, and the five or so hours I'm home alone have become so intolerable with all this junk. There's no breathing space, there's no space to like...think. It's like my outer space is affecting my me inside, and it's unhealthy. There's not much I can do to tidy up or clean for now until we have a huge yardsale on Saturday and get rid of all this stuff. No light can get into the house or anything, it's really depressing.

We gave away the cat I've had since childhood, Muffin, and that was really, really hard on me. I just spent hours crying with my mom because she really was part of the family. Of course, she's going to a very good home, and we'll get to see her sometimes maybe, if we can. It's not the end of the world, I think she'll be happy. So that's what matters.

I was hearing some girls talking about diet pills and joking about girls with eating disorders in walmart the other day and it really triggered me and set me off into a panic attack. I used to fast on slimfast and go for days just drinking that, and I was tempted to do it again for a while there. My mom would actually let me do it because she figured it was better than me not eating anything at all. You know, I think she lets me get away with a lot. Lately I've been wondering if maybe subconciously I do stuff to see how fall I can push the limit because I feel like maybe her lack of concern makes me want her to be worried, makes me want to do stuff to concern her.
I don't know.
It's all a lot to think about.

Apparently my sister Jessica is getting married now too.

I had a huge fight with my mom today. We were both screaming at each other about college. She finally blew up and told me she didn't want me to be a complete failure and she only wanted me to go so that I wouldn't waste my life away at home. That hurt a lot and triggered more stuff. Eating issues are rooted so deeply into more emotional, personal stuff it just gives me such a headache to even think about where I'd begin to try to trace all the stuff back to it's origin.