Packing up the shop and everything did not go so well for me today.
It made me really sad and just...brought back a lot of memories, good and bad.
I guess I really don't want to let go of or accept this year. But since the new year is coming closer and in no time it will have been three years since I started this blog, I think there's some accepting I really do need to start doing now before things catch up with me. So maybe I can step into tomorrow clean and as me, not my memories.
There is a song called "Bellyfull" that I really like for more reasons than one. I can relate.
I would like to tell Spencer about some things before he gets married, and not over the phone.
I'd like to tell him about everything.
I went back and read some of my very first posts in this blog and it was a hard experience for me. But it did help the growth that's occured sink in more.
I want to be a brand new person. I don't want anyone to forget about me.
I talked to Rachael on the phone earlier in the week and somehow it really hurt in a way. I'm happy for her but some things that have happened to her recently just made me realize a lot about myself and how much I've done differently from what she's done now. And it made me worried for her...knowing what it's like and stuff I want to protect her. But I have to remind myself that it doesn't have to be horrible for everyone and that she's not me. She's not me and she has to do things and learn things on her own. All I can do is be there for whatever, no matter what.

Thanksgiving day I got what felt like being physically ill and ended up throwing up some of my dinner. But I felt physically nauseated and stuff. But I'm not going to lie and say part of me wasn't relieved afterward. Later that night I ended up bingeing and sitting around miserable and confused about why all of that happened. I've been really careful about eating the past two days though, making sure I eat enough. And I have stared making myself take kid's vitamins, which still make my stomach hurt a little, but not as badly as the adult ones do.

I want to become a person that people can love, and a person who can love people back.
Really love them back.