I went to visit and stay the weekend with him, and for the most part I had a really good time.
We only ended up going to one show, and it was outside...so the huge group of people part somehow wasn't so hard to handle outside with more space to move around. I didn't feel so boxed in.
He treated me really nicely and I got along really well with all of his friends. Really well.
Before we left for the show, the first night I was there, Vicki said something about him and the really small girl dating.
Needless to say that made me feel like I'd just been gutted like a fish.
I had come there to spend the weekend at his place and I felt so stupid. I kept thinking, of course he chose her.
After that I guess I put a lot of space between him and myself as a protection and coping mechanism. I felt so hurt and ugly, not to mention I was in pain from having started my period.
I had just met this huge group of people who I didn't know at all. The only other person I knew there slightly well was Nick. So I ended up hanging out near him a lot of that night. It felt like he was the only person who wouldn't hurt me.
I kept thinking that if I held S's hand or cuddled up with him at the show it was only going to hurt me. If he really was dating that girl, if he really was just using me then I didn't want to be affectionate and get even more attatched. Because I really love him, and I didn't want to make it worse, harder to make myself let go.

I got to meet the girl again. She loves me. It turns out we have a lot in common, to the point where it's creepy. I can tell from hearing her talk she had/has an eating disorder. She even said that even though she's ninteen she's finally starting to get her period again because it had gone away for a few years because of "eating and stress issues".
The whole night she talked to me, hugged me, took pictures with me. She was really friendly, and she kept saying, "I like you!" and that she wanted to be friends. She asked for my number and invited me to a party at her house and told me that she wished I lived closer...that she wanted me to spend the night. She even told him to get me to come over every weekend so we could all hang out more.
The whole thing was painful because I wanted to dislike her, but I couldn't. All I could think about, watching her, is that she is better than me in every way. Even nicer.
I tried to let it go.
He noticed how distant I was being, and I think it bothered him...hurt his feelings. I wasn't talking to him a lot, I was angry and hurt and insecure and hormonal.
I was supposed to come over there and hold hands and be close and have fun, and I didn't. I ruined it with my insecurity and my unwillingness to just talk to him about it, and tell him what my concerns were. I should have done that.

Anyway, Nick and he and I went back to his place. He offered to sleep on the couch, but I told him he didn't need to do that.
When we got into bed and turned out the lights, he held onto me really tightly. We went to sleep curled up against each other, and it was all I'd ever wanted, I think. Non-sexual...really loving. I didn't know what to do with it. I was really awkward, I think. I hope he didn't notice. We had the stuffed dog he gave me between us too. Suddenly all of my anger and hurt and everything just melted away...and we talked for a while and then we fell asleep.

He woke me up early in the morning so that we could go to his band practice. I actually really like his band's music. They're very good, and so is he. You can tell he's very passionate about drumming, and that he has a lot of fun doing it. A lot of drummers make funny faces when they drum, but he just smiles like a little kid at Christmas, it's great. 

I think that's my favorite version of him...when he's drumming. He looks a lot more innocent and kind. I want to just keep him like that, while he's doing what he loves. Keep him that way, in that feeling. 

We went home and I took a shower. According to him, that girl and I both use the same face wash and chapstick. We ordered pizza and watched the old x-men cartoons with Nick. It was really, really fun. Then we went to the movies, and then we went back to that girl's house and hung out with her. I was still being distant when she was around, so I ended up gravitating to Nick. 

S and that girl were cuddling and acting like a couple and my heart about burst. But I pretended like I didn't notice. And when she ran up to me to take a picture I smiled happily. I look at that picture now and wonder if anyone can tell how hurt I was in it when they look at my eyes. Probably not. 

We went home and got into bed silently. We didn't cuddle. But he grabbed my hand and we held hands under the pillows until we fell alseep. I think that was my favorite part of the whole visit...that night. Just holding hands and lying next to each other. 

The next day we watched another movie at his house. He had filled the fridge with Yoohoo for me and I kept wondering why he was acting so close with her if this weekend had been about me visiting him. But even though it hurt I didn't worry about it. I tried not to think about it and enjoy the moment. With him and Nick I spent so much time laughing and having fun that day. We just had a really good time. And for a few hours, I didn't have an eating disorder, I wasn't depressed, and I wasn't worried about how he felt about me or anything else. It was just us, and that was all that mattered. I want to bottle that feeling and breathe it twenty four-seven.

We said goodbye, he said I love you.
Nick drove me home.

I was still hurt and confused about that girl and his feelings, but I was also still buzzing from how much fun I had had. And how nicely he had treated me. He didn't even try to kiss me. I was still warm from holding his hand all night.
And I kept thinking about how he had said something to me about me being important to him. I was telling him that it was wrong how he made fun of some of the girls he talks to or goes out on a date with. And then I said that he probably did the same thing to me when I wasn't around and I was texting him too.
But he said, "No, because you're not just some girl I'm dating or trying to date. You're my friend and you're important, so you're different. I don't make fun of you like that."

And guess what? I believe him. 

Shortly after I got home though he sent me a text message that said, "This weekend didn't go how I had expected :("

I told him I felt the same, and asked him if it hand anything to do with something I'd done.

He told me, "Not really. It's just that you and Nick seemed like you were digging each other the whole time and you weren't really talking to me, so I didn't act affectionate with you or anything because I didn't want to get in your guys way."

I wanted to start crying and I was so angry, I said, "Wow...lol, um, no. I don't like Nick. I came there for you. And it seemed to me like you and (the girl) were digging each other and even dating, so I even though I didn't want to, I didn't act very affectionate either. "

He replied, "Damn, I was pretty sure it seemed like Nick was into you. The only reason why I was acting that way with (the girl) was because of the way you and Nick seemed like you guys liked each other. Which I wouldn't be angry if that were the case, I just don't want to be affectionate with you if so because I don't want to get in the way of my friend's interest." 

I was crying at this point and said, "Well, I came there for you. And I don't know about how Nick feels, but from the way he was talking on the way home, it sounds to me like he likes that other girl. And the only reason why didn't act affectionate like I wanted to was because I felt insecure and you were being affectionat with her. I like you and I didn't want to get more attatched and get hurt."

He said, "Well, my friends love you and you're awesome so I'm sure you'll be back here again. I guess it's a good thing we didn't get attatched either way."

I asked, "Why do you think it's a good thing we didn't get attatched, just curious?"

"The distance, it kills. And it just wouldn't be realistic for us to try anything with us so far away, it sucks." 

I said, "Yeah, I guess I agree. It's none of my buisiness, but are you and (the girl) dating? Sorry for the interrogation, but I'm curious."

"No, we're not."

"Okay, sorry haha. One more question, I promise. Do you like me?" 

"Are you kidding me? I pretty much like just about everything about you. I think you're awesome. And my friends like you too. You're way adorable, by the way. And just holding your hand before we slept, that was nice."

"Well, even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to, I had a good time this weekend. And I really like you."

"That's a good and bad thing then. Oh, and (the girl) told me she wants me to tell you to come over every weekend. And I wish you could too." 

And that's about where our conversation died out.
I don't know where we stand right now, I guess as good friends. That's how it should be.
The thing is that now I almost want more than that. I want to hold his hand and see him all the time. My heart was about to break there when I thought he was basically giving me a hint to leave him a lone for a second there.
I was really hurt and confused and angry at myself that night.

I don't really know how I feel right now.
It was silly to get so upset. But I'm feeling better.
And I don't know...

I don't know.

I didn't eat very well while I was there. So many triggers that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my emotional stuff.
I wish I were more "normal" about relationship stuff.
I don't know.

A lot more is going on besides silly boy stuff right now. But I'm tired of typing.
Good night.