I applied for the community college here, and I have to take care of all that silly financial aid stuff soon and wait for them to approve me so I can do orientation.
I ended up just putting down that I wanted a bachelor's in fine arts because I really don't know what else to do.
I want to act, and I want to keep belly dancing. I would love to involve those in my career.

My mom told us that her and my dad are both doing really poorly financially right now, and so Audrey and I decided that this year we would just make each other gifts and not worry about presents. That stuff is overrated anyway. I am worried about how Peter will take that though. That kind of stuff is important to him...presents under the tree and a big dinner and all of that.
It's just a day.

I am going to Steven's this weekend, and I am so surprised my mom is okay with it. I don't think she is at all actually, but I think she's letting me to test the waters and because I've been moping around the house for the past few weeks and she wants to see me happy. I'm actually extremely nervous and have no idea if I'll have fun or fit in with any of his friends.
He seems so excited though, which I think is sweet...like he has all three days planned out, he even made like a schedule for us that he sent to me yesterday. Nick is going to be at his house all the time too, so I'm not worried about that at all. Even if we were alone I wouldn't be worried about him trying anything.
I'm not worried about that at all.

I'm worried about everything else. Eating situations. What I'm going to wear. Him seeing what I look like in the morning. Going to concerts with his friends. Not knowing anyone else. The fact that I'll be starting my period while I'm there.
All of that stuff is really stressing me out, but I just want to go and have fun and prove to myself that this could work.

On Friday night I went bowling with Ashley and Drew, and when I got there Steven and Nick were at the bowling alley too.
It turned out that he had set it up the whole time with Ashley for her to get me down there so he could surprise me.
He drove two hours just to surprise me there, and he gave me a yoohoo and bowled with us and everything...it was so unexpected and really kind.
Except in the middle of it the girl who is so tiny and cute and makes me feel so insecure showed up. She was just as pretty and extremely tiny in person. She was supposedly not feeling well but she didn't talk to me or smile or anything. That part was really awkward. But then her and Jodie left and we went to Walmart and walked around and that was really fun.

The only thing was that I felt so disgusting because I didn't know he was going to be there and I looked terrible. I hadn't washed my hair, I was wearing hardly any make-up, and I wasn't dressed very nice. But he still gave me all his attention and treated me well. And when he left he sent me a text message that said, "You're so adorable!! When I was waiting for you to get there I kept thinking of what I was going to say when I surprised you but your smile completely threw me off my groove"

Ashely said that she thought he was okay but that that girl being there really upset her since he had planned all of this for me. She also said that she wasn't trying to lecture me but our age difference was extremely obvious and made her uncomfortable for me. 

It's weird because I can see it...I can see that visually we look like we have an age gap, but I just don't notice it beyond that. I don't know if I forget or I don't think about it, but I never can tell or feel very affected by it. It just feels like I'm haning out with a friend, with someone I really, really care about. 

I wish that I were the only girl he liked. I know that I'm not. And I get that since we live so far away it's unreasonable for him to not go on dates and not be interested in other girls. We're not dating and we're not exclusive so there's nothing wrong with him seeing people and I'd even understand if he found a girlfriend. I guess it's just that hearing him say I love you to me and knowing that there are other girls is sometimes difficult. I want to go out on dates too...and flirt. But I have no confidence right now. I'm not interested in anyone else like that right now. I wish I could say "I love you" and go see other people too. But I just can't be like that, I can't love someone and see other people, it just isn't appealing and I guess I sort of resent him for that. He still goes out and has fun, and good for him. But I wish I did too. It makes me feel pathetic. 

I almost want both of us to get significant others so that we can both be friends and talk on the phone every once in a while without all this pressure. Don't get me wrong, to see him with a girlfriend would probably hurt a lot and leave me feeling jealous and upset initially. Because I love him. But I feel like then we could both be friends and stay in each others' lives when the attraction or excitement is gone or not as intense. Maybe?

I know he says he'd really like to kiss me even just once, but I'm going to tell him I don't want to.
I don't want to kiss anyone anymore like that. I haven't kissed anyone who I was in a relationship with where there was mutal love and exclusiveness with in a long, long time. I want to tell him that even though I badly want to kiss him too, I know that I don't want to be melded in with all the other girls he kisses and goes on dates once with right now. I want to kiss him and hold hands and all of that if we're in a relationship. Otherwise, I know that next week he'll be kissing another girl under the same circumstances. I don't want to be another girl. I want to be important this time or nothing.

This morning I woke up and 8 and went back to bed. I woke up again at 10 and lay awake for a while and for some reason Ben popped up in my head again. I'm definitely not over it. It was like I was frozen physically and my brain completely replayed everything that happened like a movie and it was very realistic and it bothered me a lot and I didn't want to get out of bed after that. I just felt like I had no energy because of it even though I had nine hours of sleep at that point. 

It was stupid and it really upset me. I took out his nametag and looked at it for a long time. Like that'll give me answers.
I need to just burn it.