My mom told me today that my grandmother (who has alzheimers) does not understand the English language anymore. When you talk to her or ask her questions, she just looks at you and she can't process what you're saying to her. She doesn't speak English anymore...she doesn't speak much of any language. According to my grandpa (who finally decided to contact us to tell us this), she speaks gibberish, her own language that sort of sounds like English but isn't.
The doctors aren't really sure what's going on or why this is happening. They're doing all sorts of tests, but she's basically finally losing the last bits of control she has over her mind and her body.
She can't control her bladder anymore, she forgot how or that she was even supposed to. She can't communicate.

I feel a lot of anger right now. And helplessness. I am still angry at her and at my grandfather for instilling the need to be thin in my head at such a young age. And now I feel guilty that this is happening to them. There are a lot of intense emotions I have right now. I think I do need another therapist. Just not having one anymore isn't working. I want Scott back though. But that wouldn't work. We'd have to start all over because I've kept a lot of things from him, more than I even knew...because I was keeping some things from myself, turns out.
I'd have too much to explain.

When I think about getting a therapist, I just get really tired. I get tired thinking about how I could possibly fill someone in on everything that has happened and everything that is still going on.

There are a lot of things that I want to talk to Ceslie about but I don't know how to put into words. It's very frustrating and it causes me to go back into my shell even more out of embarassment and frustration which causes her to become hurt and fed up with me herself. I'm worried about James. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I also want her to be able to read my mind and feel everything I'm feeling. I feel like I'm motioning silently at her, but we're both in different rooms and it's like a bad dream where you're trying to scream and you can't make any sounds. The more that I want to share with her and get reassurance from her, the worse of a friend I act. And then because of that she gets insecure and tries to hurt me to make me show some sort of emotion to her...which means that she says hurtful things like I do sometimes which pushes me away more. 

I can't believe it was a year ago that I met Brandon and Jacob. I'm getting sick of these one year anniverssaries, they make me feel so confused.I feel guilty all the time about what's happened with Brandon and it's the same thing with Ceslie...I think about it all the time, about what I want to say. And then when I think about it I just get so tired, physically tired thinking about all there is to say and I just want to crawl into bed. And I usually do. And then someone gets angry at me and I can never explain why I'm doing the things I do because I honestly don't know...so I don't say anything, and I come off as if I don't care. I really think that I need to talk to someone about this and ask why this happens. Is it just me being stubborn? Am I supposed to do something differently here? Is it all in my head and do I just need to suck it up and learn how to treat and communicate with human beings better? 

I'm afraid that this is going to start happening with him soon too. One day maybe we'll be like that...maybe in my trying to tell him that I love him and want him to say I'll end up pushing him away. 

Becky admitted to me yesterday that at one point in her life she went through some anorexic tendancies because of the weight she gained having Ben. I wanted to hug her and tell her about everything that I've had issues with, but it felt inappropriate at that moment...but I still want to. I still want to because I feel like maybe her and I could talk about it since she is a very healthy person now, maybe it wouldn't be so triggering like it sometimes is for me to talk to other girls who still have unhealthy habits they relapse into sometimes. Not saying that anyone is perfect, but I feel like maybe Becky would be neutral, safe ground for me to be on to talk about these things with. Plus, we both dance together so we have a healthy outlet to grow with each other through.

He told me that this girl (who I'm almost positive is sleeping over at his house right now) that really likes him, he told me that she weighs 95 pounds. She's really cute, and older, and apparently a good cuddler and very cool to hang out with. She makes me feel so insecure. I wanted to start crying when he told me that. I wanted to defend myself and say that I'm taller and that I exercise a lot so I have more muscle so of course I would weigh a little bit more. 

I shouldn't but I keep looking at her pictures and just thinking about how small and cute she is. I've never been a small person like that. I'm thin. But I've never been small boned or anything. I'm tall and lanky and boyish. I have big feet and long arms and legs and hands. Everythinga bouot her is tiny and adorable. Everything about her seems perfect and unattainable to me.

When he told me that I seriously considered just not eating again. I have already gained five pounds since the weather has been getting colder and I kept thinking about how if I got to 90 pounds...just back down to where I had been again than I would be okay.
I told my mom what was bothering me and she ordered pizza for me and told me to not worry about it haha. I don't know how healthy that is, but it did help a little. I'm feeling more logical now and I know that losing weight is not the solution. I need to start believing that I'm beautiful and that it doesn't matter how much I weigh.

After all, when he told me he had been saying it to make me feel better about gaining five pounds. Something like, "Weight doesn't matter, you don't look any different, you're still tiny and I mean, look at (that girls name)! You and her look the exact same size and she's 95 pounds...so weight doesn't have anything to do with it, you're fine." 

But all I heard when he said that was 95 pounds.

Ninety five pounds...
All the way through seventh to the beginning of tenth grade that was my ideal weight for myself, a goal that I did eventually reach at one point and still felt miserable about my appearance, mind you.
To hear him say that, to have that brought up and fixated back into my mind...it awakened a lot of things inside of me I thought were gone, but apparently they were just sleeping.

I've been very hard on myself recently. What I look like and how I eat and everything...everything feels so negative and everything makes me want to start crying. I feel very tired and hopeless lately.
I don't know how to fix it. In my mind I feel like if I weighed less and could fit into my old jeans again I would be so happy, so so happy. But I know, I know that even though it really feels like that is true, it's not. It can't be. It's not even logical.
But this has nothing to do with logic.
Oh, well. I guess I just keep on truckin. No slip ups so far. 

He wants me to spend next weekend with him at his place. I asked my mom about it...she's very weary about it and is thinking it over.
I told him that she was thinking about it and he said that it was happening either way. That if she said no he would come get me himself.
I can't tell if he was joking or not over the phone...he sounded serious but I could be wrong.
I'm afraid because he wants me to meet all his friends, he wants me to meet her, the tiny cute girl. He wants me to spend three days over there so we can check off our "to-do" list of things that we're supposed to do together.

He calls me his girlfriend and tells me he loves me. He tells me things about when he was little and about his day and how he's feeling. He says that he loves me.
I love him too. Very much. I love him so much that I want to cry or laugh with all the emotion that I have in my heart.
But I don't know if I want to meet his friends or sleep in his bed...if I do that, if I do that I feel like there's no going back. I'd be throwing all caution to the wind, I'd be letting go of my inhibitions and letting myself do what feels right. If that's what this is.
I'm afraid he'll think I'm ugly. I'm afraid he won't like me so up close like that.
I'm afraid that the only reason I'm so appealing is because it's so rare for us to see each other.

I don't know. Is that why he's appealing to me?
I don't think so.
I think he's appealing to me for a lot of different reasons.

I don't know why I feel so sad right now though...it's usually not this bad, but for some reason I feel like something bad is going to happen.
I'm still pretty sick, and it's very uncomfortable.

"We're half awake in a fake empire."