I am in love with him.

As for the rest of my relationships, I'm successfully sabbotaging all of them with my insecurity and commitment problems.

I have another big show to prepare for that's in Decmeber in Baton Rouge. I might even get to be in another four or five things for this one too because almost all the troupes I'm in are performing choreographies.

I've spent the past few days in my house, by myself, either crying or eating or doing both.

I keep trying to smile and be positive because I feel like if I put out good energy, good energy will come back to me. So I haven't been purging, no diet pills, no scale. Just some exercise.

Now that I've admitted to myself that I love him, I can get on with my life. I'm going to be independent and get so much done. I can also focus on being his friend since I don't have to obsess about the feelings I'm repressing anymore. I'm going to be doing so many things that when he leaves me I won't even notice, and I won't have time to think about it.

I miss maca. I miss belonging somewhere.
And there go the tears again.

I don't know how to explain it...but it's like where you're so sad that you can't stop smiling. You can't stop smiling, and your chest hurts so much.
Some songs just make my heart ache so much.