I got my diploma and my test scores in the mail today, I did very well. It's so strange, sitting in front of the computer in my pajamas, opening the envelope and seeing that piece of paper that counts four all of my high school career. I don't know whether I'm more proud or sad or what. It's kind of bittersweet. 

I heard from my dad like two days ago for the first time in a while. He basically told me he wanted me to move to Colorado to where he is, and for me to seriously think about it and consider it. He told me there were plenty of acting and theater groups there, and better colleges. He didn't say anything about my GED or that I don't go to church anymore. Two things he pretends haven't happened. Basically this is his attempt at doing damage control on my life. He wants me over there so he can be in control because the way he sees it, I'm becoming a failure. An eating disorder, my schooling, my sexuality, and my religion are all bad to him. He wants me over there where he can keep a firm grip on everything I do. He can pick out my college for me, make sure I'm at church every sunday, put me on one of his nutrition plans, and make sure I only talk to nice mormon boys my age, on his watch. 

It's upsetting and scary, but at the same time, it's his way of showing that he loves me. He does care, he just wants to care about his own version of me. Not me. He wants what he thinks is best because I'm his blood. He should have realized from the very beginning when I was four that I was going to be his problem kid. He always sounds so sad when I hear him on the phone. He's always lying about how things are going over there. It's so obvious things aren't okay in his life, but he keeps saying they are. That's how he works.

The whole time while I was talking to him and listening to him talk, all I could think about what how everything important in my life going on right now...he has no idea about. He doesn't know anything, and everything would be so appalling to him. He didn't ask about my belly dancing or guys. I don't know what he'd do if he knew I was talking with the people I talk with or doing the things that I do. Everything important to me he just would totally hate. That's really too bad because even when his obsession with certain bands or his interests in nutritional drinks and his love of the show Lost totally bore or disinterest me, I can listen to him talk about it and have an open mind. If he could realize that I need him to do the same for me, and to keep an open mind.
I'm a complete disappointment compared to Jessica (my older, more beautiful sister), she's done everything right...even followed his silly dating and marrige timeline. She's beautiful and conservative and submissive and not strange or unconventional in any way. She'll make a wonderful housewife and mother, and she'll carry on all his values and beliefs to her kids. So he should ask her to go live with him in Colorado, and let me be where I want to be and do what I need to. I didn't ask for his respect, just for some love.

So I taught my first belly dance class yesterday, and it went very well, I think. I feel like everyone pretty much caught on very well, and that they had a good time. It was a really good workout for them too, I could tell. Even I'm sore now that it's the next day. That's a really good feeling, sore muscles. I was happy because two people came up and thanked me and one girl told me I was awesome, so that's like way cool. I still can't believe I'm a teacher and I feel undeserving, like I'm fooling everyone. I just crashed last night when I got home and woke up around eleven this morning. I didn't get any sleep the night before really so I think I just slept a few extra hours to make up for it or something. 

Eating. Great, I'm eating. I'm disappointed in myself for the foods I do eat though, the crap I put in my body. It gives me unhealthy thoughts, like wanting to skip some meals to make up for the bad that I put into my body earlier. But I need to stop calling it "bad" because if I enjoyed it, it's not bad. And skipping a meal to make up for health is just contradictive, you know? I guess it's maybe because one of my friends is all like super duper health right now, only fruits and veggies and nuts and eating what feels like to me personally very little. It makes me feel very self concious and like I have no control in comparison since my version of health lately has just been to eat whatever I want whenever I'm hungry, no restrictions. 

To me lately it's seemed like putting restrictions on taking care of yourself is like putting restrictons on life. Why should anyone have to settle for less? I shouldn't.