I am having issues with caffeine pills again. I feel out of control and lonely. I want to call Spencer, but I don't know what to say. His voice will sound annoyed like it always does, and I don't want to accidentilly start crying on the phone with him. He hates crying and he gets really quiet and closed off out of discomfort when someone starts crying. I've seen him cry once in my entire life and he never talks about it. He hates crying. I wish that I were him. I wish that I were strong and going somewhere and so...sure of myself like he is. I wish I weren't such an emotional, out of control crybaby.
I think I embarass him. You would never tell we were related, and I used to like that...I used to like that we were both oppisites almost and we could walk down the street and look like two friends hanging out, not like brother and sister. But I want to make him proud to say I'm related to him, I want him to want to call me.
I bet he doesn't even think about me. Ever.

I missed my appoitment with Scott today, and everything is falling apart. Everything is terrible and I don't know what to do. Most days I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm going to cry. I feel like I'm trapped in a box and that I'll never get out. I feel suffocated and out of control, I feel like I'll never be happy again.

I feel ugly and like a slave to my emotions and the people around me. I want to cry when I think about tomorrow or next month. When I think of myself a year from now I can't see it...I can't see myself progressing or growing from here.

I wish that I were a baby again, or that I was Spencer. But I'm just Amy. I'm just...this.