It's about eight o'clock in the morning now, and I am not one bit drowsy at all. I haven't gotten any sleep since sometime in the early afternoon yesterday. So another all-nighter.

In about three hours I'm going to show up for training for that job that I've been so terrified of losing for myself. I really need this job, but part of me just doesn't want it. I don't want to grow up some days. But right now I can't be happy unless I grow up and make some money so I can keep taking belly dance classes...class fees are approaching closer, scarily enough. I need to dig up $120 out of nothing.

I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm not even tired, I'm not sleepy at all. A little dizzy, but not tired.

My mom woke up to me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea. She asked me why I'd been up all night for about the fourth time this week and I just shook my head and made a joke. I had been planning to have a serious talk with her when she woke up too...I was going to tell her that I'm very depressed and that something has to change, something is wrong and I don't know if it's me or if it's my life or my scheduale, but that I need some help. But all that came out was, "Haha, I guess I'm feeling bad." And she asked why and I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop smiling and lying, "I don't know, maybe my period's coming."

In my head I was screaming to get the words out, but I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and making jokes. Why does that always happen when I'm with people, or my mom, or Scott?

Mom wants to pick me up some caffine tablets for today because she doesn't want me to screw up this job opportunity either and doze off or something. I don't know how to tell her she shouldn't do that, that I'm not tired at all. I feel like I never will be. And I don't know how to warn her of what a terrible thing that would be to have in the house. I was screaming it in my head, but my lips were frozen in a fake smile.  don't understand myself.

Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I so good at hurting myself?

She asked me if I was feeling bad about myself again, and if that was why I was up so late nowadays. I hate that question, I really hate that question. Of course I'm feeling bad about myself, I always feel bad about myself. I don't get to pick and choose days or moments for when I'm going to feel great and bad. I'm always insecure and feel bad about myself. It's been that way.
But all I could see was my mom who diets and exercises like a maniac anyway, my mom who blames every single one of my slip ups on her being too much of a "casual parent". So I just told her, "No, I'm fine."
And she was fine with that.