I found some old pictures of myself from about three years ago. In one of them I was taken aback by what I looked like. I was a lot thinner. It was a positive and negative feeling all in one to realize that. I used to be so miserable. So much more sad and trapped than now. I used to not care about my life or what happened to me.

So what's happened to me?

I feel I need an answer so that I can pull it out and use whatever it is to my benefit.

Is it wrong to somedays miss the feeling that you'd get...looking at yourself and knowing you're a wreck. I look at myself now and I see someone to be envied, I have talent and a future. But sometimes, just sometimes...don't quote me on this because it's the most selfish, terrible thing ever, but sometiems I don't want to be envied or looked up to, I want to be pitied again. When you're sick people take care of you.

But then I remember that no one "took care" of me. I had to pull myself up and out of it and with the help of friends, I got better. But no one babied me, which is why I'm still alive.

So to the voice that wants to be worried about again, wants to be taken care of and wants their hand held...I can't do that for you. I can't do that because even if it were to happen we both know you still wouldn't be happy.