I've been relying on music to keep me a relatively sane person recently. Eating has been fine lately.

I've been putting myself down a lot lately though. I guess I need to learn how to talk back to myself or stand up to my inner critic, my inner voice because I'm so tired of feeling attacked and ashamed all the time when I'm just trying to do something good for myself. It's just not fair.

I've been very sad lately, and what can I say...is there a reason? I sure hope so, but I don't know what it is. I don't care.

I feel like crying and like admitting defeat and weakess to someone, breaking down and giving in and saying help me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm doing and I need help.

I went to Jason's grandma's place today and had dinner. I was so nervous.

But as soon as we turned onto Durio street I was suddenly filled with such peace. It's in the middle of nowhere in the country and it's about a mile's drive down the road to their house. The road is lined with beatiful trees and everything was green and pretty like I remembered it. I saw the cemetery where no one is buried. The lake and the bench in front of it we used to sit on. My favorite tree and the duck that lives there. Everything was just as I had left it.
I was waiting any second to see Jason just standing there and waiting for me but he wasn't, of course.
We had a fire and Ms. Mary who is like a grandmother to me took pictures and videos of me. She wants me to come back on Sunday to see her some more. There's even an internship she wants me to take with her company this summer...I would make money and stuff but I don't know. I don't know anymore.

And who am I kidding? I should take any chance I have to make money. If I had money...jeez, I would do so much with it. I woud get my mom's teeth fixed and make it so the bookstore can stay open and I would buy myself my own car, and I would make sure my mom got her trip to Europe that she's always wanted, but always had to watch others take. It's going to be her turn next.
I would need at least a million for all of that, sometimes I think.

I want to write but find myself stuck, my fingers lock up and freeze because to write about it would be very painful. But someone has to know.