In about an hour my birthday will be done and over with. I'm almost kind of relieved. I was so stressed out about today because I didn't want it to be terrible, but not like too much of a big deal. I don't know, it was a normal day. I went to work, I went to bellydance class. I came home and we had cake or whatever.

I guess to tell you the truth I was upset today, but I don't want to tell people that because then they'll feel all bad and be like "aw, Amy was depressed on her birthday. that's sad..." but it's not sad, it's my fault, you know?

I'm just thoroughly disappointed. My day was fine, it really was. And I need to get over myself. It's just upsetting and it was childish of me to think and hope that maybe the debt collectors would take the day off today and not call just because it was my birthday. I was hoping that everyone would be in an okay mood, but almost all of my friends had sob stories or were suicidal today or both. I thought maybe we could all take a break from being so melodramatic today. I was naive and thought that maybe my eating disorder would go away just because it was my birthday, just because I wanted it to. I should know by now that it won't. It has nothing to do with what I want anymore. I don't even know what I want.

And my dad called me and I was so surprised that he did that it upset me. And I ate cake and I sat in the bathroom and threw up my birthday cake for about forty five minutes. 
Is this going to be next year too? I want to eat my cake and keep it down too. I wish I weren't so jealous of my friend who went to Europe, I guess I just snapped when she texted me about how depressed she was. I wanted to scream and tell her at least you got to go somewhere, at least you're going to get to go sky diving or whatever the hell it is for your birthday.
But, what, do I just expect everyone to stop having feelings and problems just becaue it's my birthday? Of course not.

My throat hurts so badly and I think I hurt it or something. I was so freaked out.

One good thing: our choreography for the Opelousas group is now finished and it rocks. Now all that's left is to drill it until August. We're going to be amazing. I didn't tell anyone at class what today was. Last time someone had a birthday they brought in cake and everyone gave her five bucks to pick something out from the shop with. I didn't want it to be a big deal like that, I was just really happy to be creating a dance with everyone that that was totally enough. More than enough.

I don't ever want what happened Saturday when I almost fainted to happen again because of my eating. It's been really bad these past past two weeks and I just don't want to go there again, I don't need this right now. But I think because life is so stressful I'm subconciously sprinting towards the idea of a relapse because it still represents regaining control, even though it wouldn't be.

Okay, done complaining.

Wow, I'm sixteen. I was ten when this started and I don't know, it's time to stop.