I get to see scott (my therapist) today. I find that a lot of the time we sit around and talk about nothing. Sometimes we both just say silent. He's very patient. He just let's me do what is comfortable for me. It's frustrating because I know he knows that something is wrong, and it's angering that he can't fix it. I have been seeing him as my dad lately which is worrying.

I had a dream last night that was really upsetting and I was thinking after I woke up how symbolic it was. And now I can't remember what happened. Something about my friend Chris convincing me to do something I don't want to do, and then my friend Ceslie was going away no matter how much I would ask her not to leave. I don't remember anything else but I know a lot of stuff happened.

I was talking to my friend Brandon on the phone and looking at myself in the mirror. I've always liked my arms. I have a big thing for arms, I'm not sure why. It's always my favorite part about someone. They're the only part of me that I've never really been too self concious about. But tonight I looked at them and thought, "they're getting fat." I know why I'm doing this. I know why I'm beginning to distort my body image again. I just don't know how to deal with it.

Lately it's been easy to figure out the "why?" of my life. It's the "how?" that's been difficult. How did it happen? How do I stop it? How do I help myself out of this? How do I learn to talk about it? How do I change?

So my arms are actually pretty muscular now. They're not fat. They've gotten really tough and strong. And yes, they've gained weight because muscle is weight and weighs more than fat. I know the why.

How? How do I teach myself to understand this?
I've got to learn to hear the sick of me out, and then argue with it, I guess. Talk back.

It's one addiction to another. One unhealthy habit to the next, it seems. I've been over-eating lately. I want to be healthy. I don't want to over eat or under eat, I want to get it right. But it's really hard to do that because if I begin to restrict a little of the bad foods so I can be healthy, I'll take it overboard. It is so, so pathetically easy for me to go overboard and relapse right now.

I'm sure when my friends talk to me they feel my resolve about health must be concrete and pretty strong. The truth is, I'm talking the talk and being all pro health and motivated because I am so the opposite right now. I'm not healthy inside or out. And I feel this huge tear inside that's ripped me in half. The problem is that people need to understand that no matter how confident I appear, I need so much help. I need a lot of support. As soon as people start thinking I'm pretty well off and resolved is when I probably need some help.

I need some help. I can't do it alone.

And as for the personal life issues go in my life right now, I'm not really sure how to handle them. I'm not talking to him, he's not talking to me. So it's good right? That's what I thought. In this case...I don't know the why or the how.
I don't even know the 'what?'.