So I'm going to go see Scott tomorrow and then I don't know what. What do I tell him? See, I always try to go over in my head what I'll talk about with my therapist when I see him. And it always ends up being something totally opposite from what I planned but still...it makes me feel prepared. Should I tell him I'm doing better? Worse? The same? I don't know how I'm doing because I'm stuck in it. Day in, day out. I'm stuck in one minute feeling hopeful and the next feeling disgusting and like going back. It feels so out of my control. It shouldn't because it's more in my control now than it was before and yet...it's so terrifying.

Like...I'm wearing my old Rammstein shirt right now. Too small. I don't want to take it off. I was crying earlier because it was kind of the last straw. One of my favorite shirts, you know? What I need to do is make something out of it. Like a purse or a pillow so I can keep it with me even though it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit. It doesn't fit. It's too small. Or am I too big? No, it's not the same thing. And I'm working on teaching myself that I'm not "too" anything, no I'm not.

I was cleaning my room and I found some old surveys the specialist had given me to fill out so long ago. I don't even want to read them so I put them up in my "keepsakes" drawer and maybe...one day I'll look at them and feel proud. It will all feel so far away...instead of so temptingly close like it does now.