I missed school this morning. I don't really know what's wrong with me. But that's not very important in the first place...what's important is to know how to fix it. Or move on with it. Something.

Last night I couldn't sleep...thinking...who am I? Can I someday be a person worth loving, a person who has done something with their life? Can I just be a good person? See, I don't know. I guess the answer is...let's find out. But it's so easier said than done.

Everything seems bleak which is funny because I've been having a good past few days. I think I'm lonely. I know I'm lonely. Or maybe I just want a body against mine again.

I was watching my friend and her dad the other day. They picked me and my lil sis up from school so we didn't have to walk in the rain. That was really nice of them but I think it would have been nice to walk in the downpour anyway. I wish I had a dad like that. I guess I'm a sicko. But I fantacize about lying on the couch watching a movie with some middle aged guy, my friends dad...my male teachers...it's not sexual. I just want them to ask me how my day was, to hug me and ruffle my hair. I want a man to be worried about me, to want to take care of me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it makes me ashamed.

Anyway, I'm about to go to the doctor to check up on my meds and see if we need to change things around. They don't seem to be helping which makes me feel stupid, like I did something wrong. I just don't want to mess anything up anymore.