Today has been a roller coaster unhinged off its track, emotionally, at least.

Woke up depressed and sad and lonely and self concious. Became confident and ready to change from 10-12. Became severely depressed and suicidal from then on until 4:30 today. Became extremely energetic, purged, cleaned the house ran around and ignored my feelings and decided that life is so worth living, happy happy joy joy, ect. Now everything has calmed down and I feel like crying, I feel exhausted and used.

I don't know what's happening to me. This medicine was supposed to work better, but it's not, it's not helping at all. Today I was supposed to go to the doctor and check up with him about how the new meds are working, cancelled that appointment. I'll have to rescheduale it. I don't know what's happening anymore. It's like I'm a million different people and I can't trust myself.

I'm feeling the strong urge for someone to use me, control me, screw around with me, use me. But then I just want everyone to go away, I just feel so worthless and I'm sick of my cliche whiny self so I'm trying so hard to still be a happy, reliable friend.

I hadn't eaten for almost two days, came home and ate four slices of toast and three mini candy bars and wrote a suicide not that is extremely selfish and pathetic. I ripped it up later and that's when I purged and started cleaning the house. I've had an apple since then and my stomach is killing me. I'm up to 101 and I'm disgusted and scared and relieved.

I don't know if I'm getting into any colleges anytime soon. My grades just plain suck because I don't care about them anymore. Jeez, I am a mess, and all because I can't help myself. I'm too much.