I just finished purging what I could of breakfast. I found the sink clogged with my purging from yesterday which was depressing. I think I've gained weight, but of course, I have no idea because I'm not allowed to see a scale. And of course that's for my own good, according to someone else. My mom is mad at me, I think, and I feel bad because I realize that such an amazing lady like her...she ended up with a leech of a daughter, just sucking all the good and fun and stuff from her and spitting it out ungratefully.

I think that the purging right now is a way to get back at all the people who are trying to help me recover. I forgot after a year about how humiliating it can be to have your weight taken blindly. To have to strip down and step on the scale and not even know what the number is, but someone else does and she's writing it down and she's shaking her head and she's telling you what you need to do if you want to get better and you're telling yourself why you shouldn't and she's telling you why you should but it sounds like she's speaking spanish and then she probably goes home to a family and eats her dinner and goes to bed and lives and you go home and throw up just to spite someone when really the only one you're hurting is you and your family who don't deserve this shit.

Yeah, so I missed school and I don't really care. I don't really care about this, it's getting worse, you know. The need to lose weight. It's getting pretty psycho the way my brain is working.