Today I just kinda snapped, in a good way. Ate a lot, at least for me. And it wasn't like a binge, it was a healthy amount of food. At first my body welcomed it, I welcomed it. The food, the taking care of myself, it felt so right and I'll never forget that, how taken care of I felt.

I purged in the shower when I got home, my throat hurts so badly, like it feels raw. I don't know, but I want so bad to punish myself. I want to punish myself for eating. I want to punish myself for not eating. I want to punish myself for purging. I want to punish myself for not purging enough. I want to punish myself for wanting to punish myself.

Anyway, I feel calmer now. I can't stand to look at myself, but I feel calm and collected. I figure it could be worse. But I can't help but think how much better it could be. So much better.