I don't know what I'm posting this blog for yet. I just feel like I need to. I have nothing to say. It's the same, today has been the same as all the other days that I don't remember. I don't remember what happened last week. I remember what I ate.

Today I woke up, avoided weighing myself, got dressed, took some diet pills, did some sit ups, and then scolded myself for doing that, thought of you guys and decided to eat today. Went to school and drank a diet coke. I got home about half an hour ago. I've had four carrots, an apple, and one saltine cracker. And now comes the inner conflict. In the sick part of my mind, this is good, and I've had a whole day's worth of food and I need to exercise, take more pills and not eat for the rest of the day, just like yesterday and the day before. To the part of me that likes life and likes the thought of being healthy, I'm debating about how to fit in a healthy dinner that will not make me freak out but will still have enough nutrients and calories in it for me to be alive and well.

And then there's the part of me that feels like she's not a part of me at all. Like she's someone else and she's been watching herself do all these things her whole life. She feels the pressure, the heat is on now officially. What choice will I make? Will I go to a close friend for support or get my "support" from some pro-ana site while I'm supposedly getting better.
She chose to post on this blog instead and realized she had nothing to say. I'm beginning to see a partern in my blog posts, they seem so tedious and annoying to read when I go through them. If that weren't me, I would strangle whoever was writing them out of frustration.
I have to wonder if people in my life feel like that about me.

Anyway, I've been listening to the song "Into Pieces" by Hungry Lucy right now for support because it's a neutral song to me. It doesn't make me sad or happy, it makes me think.

I look at all of my friends and I think I have things pretty well off. Most of them are thinner than me and yet I'm the one with eating problems. Or maybe they all have eating problems. I've always been ashamed to say anything because I don't want people to think I'm too fat for an eating disorder or that I'm looking for attention. It's the exact opposite actually...like, I really just want to disintergrate. Not die, just disappear and go away and have everyone forget me and me forget myself. I guess in a way I am trying to pull a disappearing at. And it's working, I'm losing everyone and everything.