So yesterday, after my amazing "today is a new day" post, I began to consider abondoning my blog. I began to feel myself surrender willingly into my eating disorder, almost relieved, I wouldn't have to try anymore, I could get sicker and sicker and sicker and go away and never have any problems or responsiblities again. Other people could take care of me, and I could be in control of what went in and out of my body.

Instead of going with this thought, or pushing it away, I though, why? Why do I want to do this? Because it would be easy. Because it's so dissappointing to post blog after blog of 'I tried but oh well...'. Sometimes I feel so ashamed and get caught up in this limbo of not being a good enough anorexic, or not being a good enough recovering anorexic. It's so much easier to give up, give in, to stop trying because it's too hard.

I have to tell you now that I always try to make this blog inspirational, but it will also be real. I'm not going to always be in a good mood...a lot of times I turn to this blog for the moments that are so bad I have nowhere else to turn to. I won't always be doing great or on the road to recovery. But I will always try to shoot for it. Because if I give up this blog, I realize now, I'm not only giving up on you, I'm giving up on myself.

If I stop posting in here, if I stop trying to get better, it can only get worse. And yes, I won't have to take on the responsability of failure because I won't have tried. But then I will never know what it is like to succeed. If I do succeed at anorexia, I will die. If I succeed at health, I will live. It seems like a simple choice to make, but it's not.

I cannot point fingers at siblings, parenting, TV, chemicals, or therapists for this. This is me, and if this is about control, it's time I got some.