I have lost nine pounds since I began this online journal. But I have at least maintained my weight since then for the last three days. I am ashamed that I can't lose more but at the same time I am relieved.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through this. But have you ever watched someone in the early stages of an eating disorder slowly progress to getting sick and sicker? Doesn't it feel like something inside of you is dying when you look at them, hear the things they say...and remember yourself once saying the same thing? It reminds me of those "good old days" (which were never good to begin with) when I still had a chance to get out. When I still had a fighting chance to change my ways. I mean, I still do...but now it is nearly impossible and so complicated it's not even worth going into at the moment.

In the early stages...you can see yourself stopping when you hit your goal weight. You can see yourself "pulling away" from this situation and stopping because you are in control. You think that once your hair starts to fall out, you'll stop. When your blood pressure goes down, you'll stop. When you get institutionalized you'll stop. When you fit into that dress, you'll stop. Once you see how far you can push yourself, you'll stop.

So you think.

And then...somewhere, unseeingly, you cross some invisible line. You know you are out of control and under control and you don't care. Your hair falls out and you decide that it's a small price to pay. Your doctor tells you you are killing yourself and you decide that this is also just a small price to pay in order to not eat and stay thin. Or to get thin. Thinner. More. More. More. And then you're nothing...and you disspear. You become a statistic for the new set of girls to try to live up to. You become an idol, one of the few "strong" ones.

We are so weak.

I don't want to be a statistic. And I can't stand to see what I feel is a former version of myself begin to fall into an ED when she still has a chance to get out.

You think that you want to just not eat a few days, lost a few pounds.

Next thing you know you are trapped for the rest of your life, and die. Or worse...you live with it. You let it literally eat away at you and you get to watch the others slowly fall into the same pattern and you are helpless to stop them.

I know there is nothing I can say or do to my friends who have these problems except for that I love them because I was once them and I know that there's nothing I can do.

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.

God....fine. Kill yourself. Do it. Do you think you'll be tragic? Do you think anyone is going to care? Do you think that not eating makes you stronger? It makes you weak. It makes you weak in every way possible. Only the strong, only the ones with the REAL self control can eat and live and not waste their lives. I hate you and I love you, so screw you. Go ahead, you'll only dissapear like I did. I've lost everything to this. EVERYTHING. There is nothing left except for my diets and my scale and the food. I HAVE NOTHING. Except for my life - which I am wasting.

That's what I want to say to them. to my friends who think that it's okay. That there's no problem. It will be all right. It will be okay.

No, it won't. It never will be.