For the first time in a long time, I binged. I have to say I don't remember feeling so terrible before in my life. I know it may not be the same amount of food as other's use when they binge but it was still terrible. I wasn't eating because I was hungry, I wasn't tasting the food, I was just inhaling it, shoving it into my mouth and crying but I felt nothing. I did it all while my friend was in the other room. Six slices of pizza and a can of cheese spray and a box of crackers.

I threw up for about an hour. My voice is all raspy now and I'm dealing with terrible backlash because my body isn't used to this, it's been so long.

I don't know where all of this is coming from. Things have been stressful lately though. I'm seeing my ex who I haven't seen in almost a year, he was just recently dating an eighty pound something girl. I guess that added to the stress. I don't know but my stomach is still bloated and I feel terrible and I picked up the phone later and called my mom and without even thinking said that I need to talk with her.

I have no idea what I'm going to say. I guess I should make something up but I don't have the energy. I hate to say it, I really do, but I looked in the mirror and just started bawling, I've never felt more disgusting and obsese in forever. I feel weak about that, I want to be confident but I will never let myself. I want to enjoy life but I don't let myself.

I don't let myself get away with anything.