I still visit pro-ana and or "thinspiration" sites, even though they go against my morals. A lot of girls I know use the excuse of visiting these sites because it's the only place they can go to to look for support. But with me, that's not the case. I visit them because it's easy. It's easier. They are most definitely not the only places I could go to for support or understanding. There are plenty of sites out there promoting health and recovery that would gladly accept and support me through my disorder. But taking that step to admit you have a problem, convince yourself that what you're doing is not normal and not healthy, and coming out about it not only to others but to yourself - that's hard.

Recovery is a very, very difficult journey. And yes, I have not washed my hands completely of these pro-ana sites. The thing is, they'll always be there. And I support their rights to the first ammendment and know that they're as necessary as all the good that's out there too. I'm just terrified for anyone I love to happen upon them. It's like my little guilty pleasure. I don't visit them for the belonging or the support. I vist them to feel normal. I visit them when I'm feeling guilty for the thoughts I have and the things I do. It's that whole "well...they're doing it, so I can too!" mentality for me.

I find myself a little more dragged in every time I visit those sites. But I want to be clear on one thing: I did not develop any eating disorders from these sites. Sure, I got tips and a little push ahead from them. But it took me to be sick to go looking for them in the first place. I did not happen upon them by chance, so I consider it my fault for visiting them. I mean, someone who eats fast food every day is responsible for how unhealthy their food choices are. They chose to go into the fast food joints in the first place even if they didn't know what they were getting into.

But I'm not pointing fingers and saying that visiting these sites doesn't make anything worse. It really does, it's given me the false belief that I can get away with starving myself. They've made me think that unhealthy is good. They've reaffirmed my reasons and my wants that ana so often throws at me.