So I haven't posted in a few days. Although my last one was full of success and hope, it's been a hard past few days for me since then. I've dropped another two pounds these past two days. I haven't changed my eating habbits much. My sleeping scheduale doesn't even make sense anymore. I don't understand what's going on half the time. I don't know if I'm anxious or terrified about seeing my new psychiatrist. I just know I am in desperate need for someone to talk to.

I feel that I'm living in a stranger's body these days, with someone else's mind. I feel like I'm watching someone else live their life each day in and day out. It's like I'm watching  my life from the outside. Last night I had a huge freak out and spent the whole night pacing my house up and down trying desperately to remember what things were like when I didn't have this problem.

I remember eating pizza, I think, and maybe not caring. I don't remember why it was all right to eat then. I can't remember what it was like to feel okay, like it's all right and that I'm not disgusting. I tried and tried to remember so that maybe I could eat now too and not freak out. But I couldn't. I don't know or remember what it's like to eat and not feel useless...and I'm scared maybe that I'm just lying to myself; maybe I never did feel okay. Maybe I was never healthy.

My mom is getting on my case way too much about my eating habbits. She's probably concerned but it comes off as annoyance nowadays and I can't say I blame her. I really can't stand myself, you know? If anyone else had my problems I would think they were stupid and that there was a perfectly logical solution to all of this. But when it's me, my problems...it's so different and alien. And nothing is logical.

I'm afraid of myself and what I'll do. I can't stop lying to all of my friends. I'm trying to put on the "recovering" mask. But I'm not getting better, I think I may be sinking in worse and I'm so scared. But I'm excited. It seems like no matter how hard my day is I can come home and feel my bones on my hips and ribs and back and feel calmer...like there's one thing I can count on. I don't know what I'll possibly do without those bones.

I went swimming with some friends and I really didn't want to. I mean, I came over with a huge jacket on in the summer but the water looked so nice so I ended up borrowing this girl's older swimsuit that used to fit her but was too small. She kept talking about how jealous she was of my body and that she wished she was thin like me. I thought I was going insane. I saw my reflection and was so angry. I was pudgy, meaty looking. I looked soft.
Soft has to be my most hated word. It's such a disgusting, suffocating sounding word. I never want to be soft.

My mom keeps buying me food even when I tell her not to and I keep having to throw it out so I won't eat it. It makes me feel so terrible. I can't eat it though or I'll feel worse. It's not like I'm not eating. I had popcorn and I think something else today. And I mean, come on...I'm an idiot. Who do I think I am? I'm not superhuman...I have a body that I'm selfishly starving...deteriorating, killing. This is a blessing that I'm abusing. I wish my mind weren't so retarded and I wish I would stop making excuses for myself.

I cannot sleep. So I thought I'd post this...that's about all that's been going on today. My fourth of July was dumb. I sat at home sick eating an apple and watching TV. This sucks.