It's taken a while for me to realize how much I'm losing to this. There are the good days, and then there are almost always the bad days. But the closer I get to my goal, the farther I estrange myself from everything that used to matter.

I used to want to lose weight so I could get all the guys. Now, I don't care about anyone but myself. I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm afraid of getting close, and the only thing that seems to matter is losing weight.

I used to want to lose weight so I could be more sucessful in the acting industry. Now I feel too weak to get up and go to auditions. Now I almost don't care about what used to be all I wanted. Now what made me so happy is a source of stress and imminent failure.

I used to want to lose weight so people wouldn't make fun of me, the pudgy girl, anymore. Now I find myself not caring what anyone thinks. Now people are saying I have a problem and that I'm too thin. And now...what they say is something I ignore, it's not a concern anymore. And being what I am, is not enough.

I used to want to lose weight so I could wear nice, stylish clothes. Now I have a hard time finding clothes that fit my small frame. Now...I can't fill out clothes and I've lost my womanly shape to wear them.

I used to want to lose weight so I could finally love myself and feel beautiful. Now...I feel is ugly, ugly, ugly. And fat.

And I hate myself.