Today, for any other family, would have been considered a normal day. But for me, for us, it was not. The big, earth-shattering event? We went out for lunch at a diner. My mom ordered some seafood platter. My brother, the double cheeseburger meal. I got a cheese sandwich because it would look weird to not get anything. I took the longest to eat. I feel embarassed when I think about it now. I had sat there arguing with my mom that this had to be over two hundred calories? "I feel disgusting," I whined. My brother rolled his eyes, "You're going to have a heart attack."

I didn't take it as a joke. And I tried to be as casual as possible and eat my sandwhich in little bites. It's not a huge deal. I mean, I haven't had anything else today, it's not like I'll gain five pounds or anything. But I'm terrified. I am literally so close to the brink of flipping.

But doing that would be the me last year. This year, I can't let that happen. This was all about control to begin with anyway, wasn't it? I am not letting this control me. I can have an unembarassing normal meal with my family, without calories and a cheese sandwich control my mental state. Well...not quite, but I'm working on it.

At least I don't want to do this anymore...well, most of me doesn't. At least I'm a step closer. I am not going to die. I am not going to give up on everything I love to this. I can't do that.

I don't know if I can stomach anything else today besides the sandwich but it's staying down either way.

I am so relieved I have this blog, otherwise I may be doing something so stupid right now it's not even laughable anymore.