So I have an appoitment set up for July 11th to meet up with a new psychiatrist. This will be my seventh one.

A lot of people have brought up the prospect that maybe it wasn't that all the past psychiatrists weren't right for me. Maybe it's that I wasn't trying, or I wasn't being cooperative. It hurts, but in a way...maybe I agree.

One of the last councelors I went to made me so upset that I stormed out of his office screaming and ranting which left me with an evaluation at Crossroads Regional Hospital (what some people call the "crazy house").

Others, I've had a chronic problem with lying to them constantly. Whether it's the fear that they'll be dissapointed in me, that I'll look crazy, or that they'll try to lock me up somewhere.

I suffer from severe depression and have been put on zoloft. I was taken off of it. Put on Prozac. My dosage has been doubled in the last half a year. It doesn't seem to be helping.

I know it's a chemical thing, but I feel like it's my fault the medicine isn't working. Doctors always warn that it's not a miracle drug and I can't depend on it, so I always think I'm doing something wrong. It's my fault.

I have so many certificates from past psychiatrist for me miraculous "recovery". I lie to them, make up breakthroughs and fake changes of heart. I'm an actress, that's my career: acting.  So it's never been very hard, and it's always come off as convincing.

I'm tired of letting my mother down about the whole counselor thing. It's not that I want to lie, it's that I feel I have to. It's that I feel there is no one out there I should feel free to tell the truth to.

I'm hoping to change that this time. But I'm not sure.

I don't think I did too badly today in terms of eating. I didn't have anything until around ten o clock tonight though...but it was three hundred calories so it's more then I used to eat. And I had a soda which was like another hundred. Small steps.
But not big enough.

I feel like a failure sometimes, but what can I do?

All of my friends are convinced that I'm better, I think. I'm getting good at lying, but they may be catching on. I don't know if I'm getting better. I don't know what it means to eat healthily so I don't know. I know I should have a nutritionist but that scares me to no end.

I feel like a hypocrite. I need to stop typing for a bit.

Until next time.