I sent the letter. We're going to be friends.
I hope this works, I just don't want to get hurt, and I don't want to stop talking to someone I like talking to. I'm trying to compromise between what I want and doing to smart, healthy thing for myself.
I weighed myself. I don't know how I feel.

I'm so stressed out right now. And I'm a bad friend.
Oh, and I'm sick. I started my period, and everything seems normal there...we'll see. 

I am getting up the courage to send this to Steven:

Hey, you.

I don't know when you'll get this, but I figured it was way too long to try to fit into a text. Haha.
So I'm getting dangerously close to really liking you, and I feel so stupid and dramatic for saying this, but I'm not so sure I should be talking to you anymore. I promise I'm not trying to be like the good kind of girl for you that you were talking about, who would say "screw it" if she knew what you were like and wouldn't want to get involved with you. I'm just trying to for once in my life take care of myself. I would be a hypocrite for what I said about girls if I didn't learn from my own mistakes myself. I wish I were cool and that I could continue talking to you without getting more and more attatched, but I'm only human, and it doesn't look like my feelings are just going to stop because I want them to. I would love to be friends with you and hang out and stuff, but because you're so cool and sweet to me I can't see myself not falling for you and getting hurt. I can't see myself not wanting to kiss you or being able to just turn off my feelings anytime soon. 

And man, it's killing me to say all of this because I don't really want to stop talking to you. I know we're only texting, but I have feelings for you as silly as it sounds, and I can't just put myself in a position where I know I'll only get hurt, you know?  I've done this before, and I can see it happening again, and I don't deserve that. I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt me, and you and I both know you won't have trouble finding other girls to talk to lol. I just wanted you to know that I think you're great, I gave you my number for a reason...even if it got in the wrong hands on the first try. I also hope that you do find someone who you can be happy with...but not too soon. You're young and all that and you should have a good time while you can. I just don't want my feelings to get sacraficed in the process. If I weren't worried about that, believe me, I'd be over there right now with you. Haha. I know what it's like to feel like your mind is all screwed up, I had an eating disorder for almost six years. But I also know what it's like to overcome those things and to find happiness afterwards.
Wow, I'm starting to sound cheesy. But yeah, you're going to find her...and you'll still owe me twenty bucks, I don't care what you say. :)

I hope you're not all pissed off and stuff. And I also hope we don't just both stop talking either. That would suck. A lot. I'm just letting you know before hand how I feel about all this.
Cheesy, girl talk over.

Now go eat a poptart and be happy, you. 
:)

I re-pierced my nose.
I just found out yesterday that I will be teaching a belly dance class starting next week. I had no idea about this until now, so I'm so excited and so stressed out.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I'm hoping that maybe it will bring up my self esteem a little. I'm very excited about a change in my appearance, no matter how small.
The show is a week from tomorrow. Wow.
Things are getting a little more serious between Steven and I in that we talk a lot now about more serious things and are getting along really well. We don't just flirt anymore, but we're not being sexual or anything either. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want anymore. I'm not sure what he wants either.
No caffeine or diet pills or weighing myself or restricting lately. I've been eating three meals a day.
My body image sucks, as always. But nothing new there, right?
In fact, I need some change.

"But I've had some time to hone my lying techniques."

I've had some time away from him.

I am trying to slowly ease back into the idea of having to see Ben around a lot, and having to try and go back to being friends again. Or pretending to be friends again. I don't see how he's capable of doing it, I don't see how his heart (or at least his head) can handle it, being around Kait and I both at the same time. I still can't imagine how I would ever be able to sleep at night like that. I guess that's one thing I should count myself thankful for. I still have a heart. But really, am I any better? I still play along with the show around her. And I still find somehow at the end of the day a way to sleep. Sometimes. Maybe not tonight.

Most days I wonder if there was really anything I could have ever done to stop him from crossing the line and treating me differently. I wonder if it was something I said, or wore, or did that suddenly made things speed up so much more in the direction of being physical out of nowhere. I wonder if it was going to happen regardless. I want to blame myself for everything. 

I've been trying so hard not to think about it or talk about it or stay in places where he might be. That's very hard to do in this town. I feel like as long as I'm here doing this, as long as every other week I'm playing this game back and forth, I'm never going to get over it.

I should have known not to talk to Steven or drag him into this, it's a big mistake. I guess I thought I was doing something so far from the truth that it would be liberating and so exciting that I would forget about everything negative. Now it's just another name on a list, another insecurity I didn't intend on having. I don't get into situations anticipating that they will end with my feeling insecure, it just happens a lot.

I send Tanner messages in response to his bulletins, asking "what's up?" "how are you?" "everything okay?", of course no response. I figured we left on pretty good terms. But who knows anymore. It was always a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs with me and him. 

Now that Scott is gone I have some really important questions for him, and I want his opinion. I want to ask him what he would do if I were his daughter, as stupid as it sounds. I like to pretend he's a father sitting up for me at home, comforting my mother when she was crying today, bringing home a check monthly that would keep us secure instead of so afraid about each upcoming day. I imagine him shaking his head at my clothing choices and asking me questions about the boys I talk to. And even if it would annoy me, I would secretly be so happy when he told me to stop talking to half of them, and that all I needed to focus on was my schoolwork and my dear old dad.
Instead, I dreampt of him dying during a session of ours. 
I don't think I need a dad, I just need perfect attention is what I need because I'm spoiled.

I ate a huge amount of food today, but I think it will be okay as long as I don't wake up bloated. That might be a little too much.
Either way I'll be fine. I think I just need to go to sleep.

"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory

But we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"

I love these lyrics

by Little Birdy

"I'm losing track of everything
I haven't lost my mind
I go along with you
I take it all away
But baby let me float along to the place where I was born
I'm only holding grace
Its just a crying game that you take

Wont somebody please write a message to god

So won't you come and walk with me
Take me down by the shore
Deep among the sharks
There's a song I know you sing
But you live your life alone
You live it so you grow
There's little time to grasp
I'm not the one you want, so I go

Wont somebody please write a message to god

Today I feel like the
World is gonna end
The end is the end
Go ahead, don't cry"

I didn't get to sleep until pretty late last night, and I woke up before the sun came out to get to the Adult Education Center to take my pre-GED. I passed. I actually did...well, pretty darn good. That's changed everything around for me today because, honestly, I have no idea what I would have done if I had not done well on that test. I was so nervous about it and shaking, I went in there and just sucked it up and did it all the way through. They kept offering me a break to get up and move around, but I just wanted to do it all at once. I didn't miss any in reading comprehension or language, and even though math was my weakest subject in my results, I still made above the average test score. It was so nice to have that little accomplishment today because I've been feeling so down on myself, so much like a failure. I guess I have a perfectionist's standards for myself, but I just want to do this right.
I wish that they put more color in that place that administered the test though, it was so sad in there. I want to be the best drop out in the history of forever to change ignorant people's minds about getting your G.E.D.
I'm so tired of watching Audrey go to school every day and just being stuck here at home, but I have to wait to get all this stuff in order before I can start going again too.
I go back there tomorrow at one for orientation, and I have to find fifty dollars to cough up.
The reality of what is happening kind of slapped me in the face today though. Ms. Barbara explained to me about how long it would take for them to get my test scores back to me after I took the real G.E.D. She said, "And if you pass it, which I know you will, in a few weeks you'll get your diploma in the mail."
I'm going to get my diploma. My mom said that she's really proud of me, that she had her doubts but she's relieved that I'm doing so well. What's so wrong with what I'm doing? Why isn't it good enough. It seems like it's only good because I'm not a complete failure. I will have earned that diploma. I've worked so, so hard. Harder than I've ever worked, and with more dedication than I've ever had in public school. I swear by it. I really, really want this. I've sacrificed a lot, like that stupid, silly haircut I was so looking forward to to get this done, even if I have to do it all myself. Even if everyone secretly thinks that "it's not really your diploma...you didn't really, really graduate." Because there were no balloons and no one called out my name and presented it to me. Maybe that's not for me. And yeah, I'm so disappointed that I don't get to have that. I'm sad that I don't get all that fancy stuff like a class ring or a jacket or a prom.Yet. But I'll graduate from college and be so successful no one will even remember this year by then.
No one can tell me I don't deserve this. Except for me.
Turns out the lady who gave me the test and has helped me out all this time with studying, Ms. Barbara, used to have an eating disorder. She's very small and shaky, and her eyes look like they're bulging out on her face. She believes in me.

I never know what to say when I finally do update.
This whole week has been full of getting ready for the belly dance show in two weeks. My anxiety about it is really soaring right now.
My body image is terrible. Every morning I tell myself maybe I should cut back on fattening foods a little and eat really healthy (enough, but healthy) because I just...really dislike how I look right now. And by the end of every day, I've done the opposite and feel worse. Only to repeat the next day. There's got to be a better way than this. I'm barely hodling onto this motivation to eat correctly, and I feel like at any second all hell will break loose. Like all it will take is one comment about my weight or one more trigger to my day. And I get triggered easily, a lot triggers me, believe me.
So the elevator guy...his name is Steven, and I've been talking to him a lot lately. We do get along very well, but it just make.s me sad most of the time. I think about how we get a long well, and that makes me just more afraid of what will happen if he hurts me, or if I lose our friendship. It makes me want to stop talking ot him... but I feel like I'm just being paranoid thinking that way. Like, he said something that's led me to believe he definitely would only be interested in me until he got what he wanted. He was complaining about how far away I live from him (about three hours) and said that, "I wish I would have known we were gonna get along so well when i first met you. I would have just kissed you there in the elevator." This made me think that he meant maybe that if he would have kissed me on sight...he wouldn't have to be spending all this time talking with me now. I could be wrong, but instead of taking it as a compliment, it mostly sucked.
I just want to get away from everything so badly, I'm itching in my skin. I feel like crying all the time, and I don't know why.
The good news is that I might get a haircut and dye in a week or so, which would make me feel really happy. That's pathetic, but that would be wonderful. Altering my appearance in ways that aren't harmful to me...I wish I were a chameleon sometimes.

I go take my pre-GED tomorrow.

Peter went home today. Very sad to see him so sad. I just realized today how much like his dad he is. And at the same time...how different.
Terrible body image today...but I'm in the process of having my third full meal for the day. So that's progress.

It seems like an unhealthy cycle to me. This is what I've noticed I do: eat healthy and try really hard...until I get to a certain weight or size that I consider ugly on me, and then I get back into unhealthy habits until I lose it...so I feel guilty for messing up and start all over again. Repeat.

It's sad when you begin to realize how predictible you are. I'm really not kidding when I say I can't wait for this month to be over. The show will be over, the first few weeks of school will be over, everything will be...moved on from a little. I want to put some distance between myself and my life for a moment and just live, not run errands and make appoitments.