Feeling a lot better with the eating stuff. Looks like a had a micro relapse a few days ago though, I had a little run in with some diet pill trouble, but I'm good. I taught class yesterday, and I felt great about that. I love the ways my body works for me when I practice, and that I can make art with it too.
I'm so tired all the time, I think I might go back to bed now. I wonder if I'm depressed.
"Right now I honestly don't care at all about you. So deal with it or don't."
"You're a failure, a. What are you doing with your life? Nothing."
Why don't you tell me something I didn't know?
Ate breakfast and threw it up.
I didn't even think about it, I just did it.
It's been so long.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to myself and I'm already wishing I hadn't done that. My throat burns.
Why'd I do that?
My stomach. Why is it my stomach? I still don't understand why it's basically this one body part that dictates all of my day for me. I don't understand why or how it really, truly looks different all the time. Every few hours it's either bigger or smaller or softer or toned. I don't understand where logic fits in in all of this. And I really, really don't understand why it even matters.
I am trying to get more things done. I want to be productive. Every day in this house alone is draining me. I kind of want a job, but I think that would be trying to take on too much. Teaching the beginner belly dance class is not enough, but I think a job would be too much. I need another hobby, maybe? I think I'm being unrealistic.
I'm not tired yet at all.
I was going to re-do my room today after I cleaned it. I think I should go on a walk or something, go to the coffee shop maybe?
Maybe I should go help out at the shop. I should make myself useful and stop just taking up space. I do have class tonight, and then who knows.
I'm gaining weight. I don't need a scale to know. I don't even need clothes that won't fit to know. After a certain period of being so obsessively weight concious, I think you just start to know. And it's ridiculous.
I wish I could find a way to turn my perfectionist, obsessive qualities into an outlet to do something good or artistic or... something.
I watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch by myself tonight, and it was really good. I liked it. It had some really good little like viewpoints and ideas in it that made me think like, "oh, that's clever". So that was good.
I don't want to think about people right now. There's so much I could go into right now.
I realize that my whole life is full of patterns, and it scares me because it's like I've been leaving a trail behind me in my own past that if anyone followed it it would lead them right up to me and all my weaknesses. Raw and naked in the ugliness that is the truth. The truth is that I'm a needy person, and I lie a lot. Probably because it's easy. Easier.
The impulse to jump head first back into restricting has been so strong I can taste it. I just want to jump in with reckless abandon and let it consume me and take care of me and save me so that I don't have to think. So that "she" can just take over and give me a break. I know if I do that I'll only be sad, and then when I try to be healthy again (which I will have to in order to be happy, which I want to be happy) I'll have to start all over from scratch, I'll be worse off...and it will be even harder and lonlier to do this.
I feel so lonely. I feel so lonely in the place that I'm at with my body and my eating. I don't need to talk about it, I just need to know. I need someone else to talk about it. I'm not even making any sense. It's like I want someone else to talk about me.
That's extremely pompous sounding, but I don't mean it that way.
I mean like I need someone to tell me about myself, and I need to know.
So many times this week I've wanted to give up in so many different ways. I believe that this is a sign that the worst is running it's course in order to make way for the best that has yet to come. What I feel right now is so bad because that way it will feel so much better when things are okay. I refuse to give up because everytime I've given up nothing good has come of it. The only thing I could ever regret in my life is giving up on anything. And I refuse to live with regrets.
My last post got cut off, and I don't remember what I said after where it got cut off at. Oops.
I really appreciate everyone's comments, extremely.
I just got back from teaching, I made the mistake of being so busy that I didn't make time to eat until this evening. Unfortunately it is very easy for me to fall back into old habbits of keeping myself so on the run that I don't make the time for slowing down and eating. But I had dinner just now and I am so full. So in order to not let the discomfort from my bloated tummy get to me I'm basically making a useless post. I am so tired from today.
Ms. Mary wants to offer me a job just for one day to be payed to make some more videos that she can use in her workshops. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I'm still also confused about Jason stuff. So I don't know.
I think I'm actually going to go to bed super early tonight! God, I'm so tired.
My body image is improving, I think. Ilea brought the dvd of our show in August to class tonight. I was really terrified to watch it, not just because I was nervous to see what I looked like dancing, I was nervous of what I was going to see just in myself. That's terrifying to me, like unleashing this merciless beast of a perfectionist onto myself, from myself. But it wasn't so bad. In fact, I was kind of put off by the thin-ness of my arms, I thought they looked too stick-like and I actually thought they could use to PUT ON some weight. So that's good. I'm very proud of myself and all of the girls I dance with. We really did put on a pretty good show.
I go teach my second class tomorrow, I still feel so unprepared and unqualified, but I also feel a strong sense of duty about it, so I'm definitely not backing out. I at least owe it to everyone to finish Beg. one, and I promised I'd stick with them if they wanted more after that, so I will. I have a feeling I'll just learn to feel more qualified with time. This is actually a HUGE learning experience for me, and I feel like it's making me a better dancer (not to mention person in general) already. I was so exhausted after teaching my first class, I had no idea how much work it is. Everyone makes it look so easy.
I'm taking another workshop this weekend in Baton Rouge with Shamsi.
Apparently there's this guy from Walmart (bad sign already) who has been bugging and bugging Drew to let him hang out with me. Drew doesn't like him, also a bad sign. He found my myspace and wrote me today. Not sure what to do with that one yet. I really don't want another reason to have to avoid Walmart again right now. Hopefully this will all just blow over soon.
Since we're talking about relationships and things right now, things with Steven and I are getting a little more serious, I think. I'm not sure what "serious" means though. We're still friends, but it's like...it's like we're really only being friends out of circumstance which makes it all feel forced, or not forced, like...held back. I'm not very sure what to make of anything. The thing is, whether I want to admit it or not (whether it's smart or stupid or good or bad, or not any of that at%
A lot has happened these past few days that I do not feel quite ready to go into yet, so I'm going to focus on the positive, yesterday: The Ansuya Show! The theme for Trybe Habibi Bizarre was supposed to be kind of punked out, so we wore plaid skirts over our dance pants and did crazy hair and wore a lot of black too. We totally stood out from everyone else at the show. All of the performers there were amazing, but I have to say ours was one of my favorites. It was all improvisational, with a big chorus line in the back, and girls coming in and out of it to dance in the middle. We started with a slow, slow more traditional sounding song with flute and drum (off of Solaces Moon Moth Mixes CD) in it...and then BAM! came in Depeche Mode's "Strange Love". It was great. Everyone just fed off of each other and it was really fun to be involved in, the audience had a great time. I'm sure it was fun to watch because it was all so raw and exciting.
And then came Ansuya, and I have to say she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her smile and her down-to-earth personality were just so contageous. I felt very relaxed meeting her, and she signed programs and took pictures with us like it was nothing even though there was a huge line, and that made me very happy. Her dancing was so beautiful and...charming. Like everyone was smiling. Ilea was standing near me to watch (all the tribal girls stood up for her performance and cheered really loudly, haha, we stuck out so badly, it was a really nice fancy schamcy place) and I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes. I know there were a few in mine. Ansuya's move were all so muscular and energetic. My mom told me watching her she had to hold her breath, because she was sure that Ansuya was going to hurt herself, her moves were so precise and strong. You could see the muscle working under her skin, and yet there was this softness to her...on her arms and belly and legs. She still kept her femininity, and had a curvy figure. At one point she got on one of the tables and started dancing, she pointed to all of us because we were going crazy zagahreeting for her. She danced to four numbers. I was proud because I knew and owned every song she danced to (ha, music nerd).
Her stage presence and eye contact with the audience were the most breath taking out of all of it.
We all had a really good night. Even when we went to Desert Dance Studio to practice all together before the show there was this bond and this closeness you could feel in the air. We were all doing each others hair, spraying glitter on each other, flashing each other...haha. It was great. And the thing is that there's this huge amount of trust in each other when we go on stage having no idea exactly what's going to happen, but we're never too worried because we have each other's backs. We're a tribe.
I was so nervous during the dinner show at the beginning, I had lost my appetite and was weary of eating half naked and everything. When everyone got up for food, it was just me sitting at the table alone not eating and Becky came up to me and grabbed my hand and said we should go get food together. And we did, and I ate and enjoyed myself and it was really nice. I appreciate all my girls so much. I really needed last night.
So tomorrow I go straight back to class, we're starting veil work next Monday, so tonight will be the last night of just goofing around and dancing. After class tomorrow night we'll practice more tribal with Ilea for about an hour. And then Tuesday I teach the first official class of Beg I. So this week should be pretty full of more dancing. I just want to pocket the feeling I get on stage and carry it around with me everywhere.
I got my diploma and my test scores in the mail today, I did very well. It's so strange, sitting in front of the computer in my pajamas, opening the envelope and seeing that piece of paper that counts four all of my high school career. I don't know whether I'm more proud or sad or what. It's kind of bittersweet.
I heard from my dad like two days ago for the first time in a while. He basically told me he wanted me to move to Colorado to where he is, and for me to seriously think about it and consider it. He told me there were plenty of acting and theater groups there, and better colleges. He didn't say anything about my GED or that I don't go to church anymore. Two things he pretends haven't happened. Basically this is his attempt at doing damage control on my life. He wants me over there so he can be in control because the way he sees it, I'm becoming a failure. An eating disorder, my schooling, my sexuality, and my religion are all bad to him. He wants me over there where he can keep a firm grip on everything I do. He can pick out my college for me, make sure I'm at church every sunday, put me on one of his nutrition plans, and make sure I only talk to nice mormon boys my age, on his watch.
It's upsetting and scary, but at the same time, it's his way of showing that he loves me. He does care, he just wants to care about his own version of me. Not me. He wants what he thinks is best because I'm his blood. He should have realized from the very beginning when I was four that I was going to be his problem kid. He always sounds so sad when I hear him on the phone. He's always lying about how things are going over there. It's so obvious things aren't okay in his life, but he keeps saying they are. That's how he works.
The whole time while I was talking to him and listening to him talk, all I could think about what how everything important in my life going on right now...he has no idea about. He doesn't know anything, and everything would be so appalling to him. He didn't ask about my belly dancing or guys. I don't know what he'd do if he knew I was talking with the people I talk with or doing the things that I do. Everything important to me he just would totally hate. That's really too bad because even when his obsession with certain bands or his interests in nutritional drinks and his love of the show Lost totally bore or disinterest me, I can listen to him talk about it and have an open mind. If he could realize that I need him to do the same for me, and to keep an open mind.
I'm a complete disappointment compared to Jessica (my older, more beautiful sister), she's done everything right...even followed his silly dating and marrige timeline. She's beautiful and conservative and submissive and not strange or unconventional in any way. She'll make a wonderful housewife and mother, and she'll carry on all his values and beliefs to her kids. So he should ask her to go live with him in Colorado, and let me be where I want to be and do what I need to. I didn't ask for his respect, just for some love.
So I taught my first belly dance class yesterday, and it went very well, I think. I feel like everyone pretty much caught on very well, and that they had a good time. It was a really good workout for them too, I could tell. Even I'm sore now that it's the next day. That's a really good feeling, sore muscles. I was happy because two people came up and thanked me and one girl told me I was awesome, so that's like way cool. I still can't believe I'm a teacher and I feel undeserving, like I'm fooling everyone. I just crashed last night when I got home and woke up around eleven this morning. I didn't get any sleep the night before really so I think I just slept a few extra hours to make up for it or something.
Eating. Great, I'm eating. I'm disappointed in myself for the foods I do eat though, the crap I put in my body. It gives me unhealthy thoughts, like wanting to skip some meals to make up for the bad that I put into my body earlier. But I need to stop calling it "bad" because if I enjoyed it, it's not bad. And skipping a meal to make up for health is just contradictive, you know? I guess it's maybe because one of my friends is all like super duper health right now, only fruits and veggies and nuts and eating what feels like to me personally very little. It makes me feel very self concious and like I have no control in comparison since my version of health lately has just been to eat whatever I want whenever I'm hungry, no restrictions.
To me lately it's seemed like putting restrictions on taking care of yourself is like putting restrictons on life. Why should anyone have to settle for less? I shouldn't.
