I don't really know what to say. I'm just posting to get my mind off of things.
I'm really stressed out about money. Money problems are triggering to me, I've found.
I did a really good job as far as eating and caffeine pills go this weekend. But I haven't stopped worrying so much. The money.
Camille's check that we gave her bounced. I'm so embarassed and angry. The unresolved phone bill. Groceries. Everything is piling up on top of itself.
I need a different reality.
I went to Goodwill today and found some cool CDs. I shouldn't have bought them. But everyone at mechacon bought all this cool stuff and I didn't get myself anything, so I figured I'd buy some dollar cds, I mean why not? I need to lay off the worrying.
I'm going to make sure that when I get older my family never has to worry about money again. I swear right now that I will work myself to death if I have to to make sure that we never have money problems again for much longer. My mom has had enough to last herself a lifetime.
So I'm home from Mechacon. I had a great time, but not really because of the convention. Mostly because of my friends Skylar and Jennifer and how much we laughed and fell all over each other because we were happy and comfortable.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life just living in different hotel rooms. It makes me feel like nothing is real, there's something different when you're in a place like that, something so impersonal and laid back about it. You almost forget yourself.
I didn't have to see Ben at all. I only saw Kaitlin, Chris, and Jordan a few times.
I really missed last year depsite how much fun I had. I won't wallow in that at all though. This year was still better, in my opinion. Living off of vending machine food and sneaking around the hotel at all hours of the night. I feel like I need to do that more often, I need to learn how to give myself a break and breathe.
I did do something stupid. It's just that in when you're in a setting where you're letting go of all this stress you tend to be a little more uninhibited. I know that I'll feel like an idiot tomorrow after all the giddiness wears off. Around one in the morning yesterday, I was going to the lobby with Skylar and Jennifer to get change. The elevator in the middle is my favorite so I always wait for that one to open. When I did these two guys got out and motioned for me to get in, saying, "This one is free." I got in thinking that was kind of weird and I was suprised when after stepping out they followed me back in. They told me they'd been "riding the elevator" for the past hour or so, with the goal of meeting new people at every new floor. This sounded so genius to me. I mean, that's a great idea, I was really jealous because I don't think I have the guts to do that. I'd tell myself it was stupid and quit after a few minutes.
They asked me what floor I needed and I forgot so we started having a conversation, riding the elevator. I noticed they both had signs on their chests that said "free hugs". I rolled my eyes and asked them if they were doing the stupid skinny puppy thing that one of my friends has done before. One of them, he acted all offended and said that they figured some people just might actually need a hug and need a push in the right direction. I rolled my eyes again, and remembered the floor we needed.
When the doors opened the guy said, "Maybe you need a hug." I shook my head and stepped out saying, "I don't think so."
"Well, if you change your mind, ride the elevator and come find us."
I made fun of them in my head and Jennifer and Skylar got the change. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I don't understand what it was, but for the first time ever I had this sensation of really being drawn to a person at first sight. My heart was pounding and I felt like laughing. After almost an hour I told Skylar and Jennifer I had to go, I had to go find them. I went to the lobby where the elevators are, but I knew it was way too late and no one really would ride the elevator for that long, not even those idiots.
I stood in front of the middle one and the doors opened. They were both standing there in disbelief in front of me and we all just started laughing. I got in and said, "I think I need a hug." To them it was probably stupid, and they were probably drunk. But when he hugged me I had to try so hard not to cry. I had no idea how much I wanted that. I'd been walking around all day hoping I wouldn't run into anyone who might hurt me, I've been so afraid of getting hurt lately that I wouldn't let myself be happy for fear of getting it taken away.
I felt happy. I feel so cheesy, but it made me so happy. I felt beautiful.
We rode the elevator. I got embarassed and got off on the next floor. The elevator guy said, "Thanks," when I got out but I just walked away as quickly as I could, I was so embarassed. I felt like an idiot for coming back. I felt like a clingy person, afraid they'd think I was easy or something.
I couldn't sleep last night. A few times I wondered if I went to the elevator if they'd be there. But I knew that that was it, there wasn't anymore after this. It's just a funny story.
My ride was there to pick me up. I ran upstairs to the dealer's room to grab my bags and he was there. I wanted to walk over and smile and say hi like we were friends. But I realized that we weren't. We aren't. He probably didn't even recognize me. We locked eyes and I turned around and walked away. A few seconds later I looked over my shoulder and was was looking at me. I'd like to think he did remember. I guess it doesn't matter.
When I went back to the lobby, I suddenly felt this burst of energy and realized that I had to do something or I might regret it. And I can't ever, ever regret anything.
I found a piece of paper in my purse and wrote on it: "Free hug" with my name and number on it. When I got back to the dealer's room he wasn't there. I saw some old friends there though and, while blushing, asked them to give it to him (they knew who I was talking about when I described him). They told me they would, and I haven't heard anything since. I don't know if I want to. Maybe I just want to leave it at that. A nice story with a nice ending.
No tears, no painful questions, no loss.
But sometimes those things make it worth it. Sometimes it makes you stronger, interesting, wise. Not alone with memories, but in the moment. In the moment I feel beautiful. I just don't want to wake up from the idea that it was realistic. Because it wasn't.
But I wish I hadn't ever gotten off of that elevator.
I'm going to be heading off to the gigantic nerdfest that is mechacon. I've been there for every one since it began about three years ago, and even though I'm not as into it anymore I'm mainly going to see my friends from maca who I don't get to see very much at all anymore.
There's an entry in this very blog about a year and a day ago from last mechacon. I remember because my dad was visiting here and I didn't eat anything all day at all except for an apple around midnight that he made me eat.
I've already had something to eat today, so I guess history will not be repeating itself. I feel happy and sad about that at the same time. Last year around this time I didn't have a lot of drama with friends or love life stuff going on, and I was thinking last night about how much easier last year was with problems for me than this year is because when I think back to last year I can't really put my finger on any real problems that I had.
But now I remember. I know why it seems like nothing was happening then or that I didn't have people who I had drama with back then or anything. It's because then I was so deep into my eating disorder I didn't care about anything. I didn't have anyone to have drama with because I didn't care about anything enough to have drama.
So this year I'm healthier, I care about a lot of things, and I have a lot of stuff going on in the personal life department with people.
Which year is worse?
I think they're both just different.
I got my nose pierced. I went to tribal belly dancing for the first time in two weeks today. It's too bad it's cancelled next week, I really need it some days.
I saw Scott today. He seems worried, leaning towards me and his eyebrows wrinkling up when I talk about how I feel about myself, about my brother, and about food and what control means to me. He shakes his head because I have left him speechless. We both go around in circles every session, me and him. I feel sorry for him because even when I'm willing to open up finally, he's baffled sometimes.
I am having issues with caffeine pills again. I feel out of control and lonely. I want to call Spencer, but I don't know what to say. His voice will sound annoyed like it always does, and I don't want to accidentilly start crying on the phone with him. He hates crying and he gets really quiet and closed off out of discomfort when someone starts crying. I've seen him cry once in my entire life and he never talks about it. He hates crying. I wish that I were him. I wish that I were strong and going somewhere and so...sure of myself like he is. I wish I weren't such an emotional, out of control crybaby.
I think I embarass him. You would never tell we were related, and I used to like that...I used to like that we were both oppisites almost and we could walk down the street and look like two friends hanging out, not like brother and sister. But I want to make him proud to say I'm related to him, I want him to want to call me.
I bet he doesn't even think about me. Ever.
I missed my appoitment with Scott today, and everything is falling apart. Everything is terrible and I don't know what to do. Most days I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm going to cry. I feel like I'm trapped in a box and that I'll never get out. I feel suffocated and out of control, I feel like I'll never be happy again.
I feel ugly and like a slave to my emotions and the people around me. I want to cry when I think about tomorrow or next month. When I think of myself a year from now I can't see it...I can't see myself progressing or growing from here.
I wish that I were a baby again, or that I was Spencer. But I'm just Amy. I'm just...this.
I've been giving a great deal of thought to the subject of time. How much time I do and don't have. I don't have time for this, and I don't have time to work my way towards death while my body fights me. My body wants to live right now. One day it won't, so why am I fighting it right now? Nope, no time for this mess.
I always want what I can't have.
God, I need some hope.
I went to the workshop today for training and to get a taste of what work for me will be like. Of course, I hadn't had any sleep, and my mom gave me a no-doze which I downed with two diet pepsis so I felt really sick and frantic, buzzing all over the place with caffine and no sleep.
I totally screwed up at lunch. My hands were shaking so violently from lack of sleep and stuff that I couldn't get a good hold on the fork when I was trying to eat my salad. I literally kept missing my mouth with the fork, my aim was all off because I was so exhausted. I finally gave up and just put my fork down and talked with everyone. I'm sure that it was obvious something was off.
It's so stressful because I'm supposed to be hiding my age all this time. I keep second guessing myself that I don't belong there with all these experienced women twice my age. Ms. Mary just kept telling me to say that I'm a college student and her intern when people asked about me. And I mean, it's pretty much true, but I feel off, like I don't belong. Running around making copies and taking notes and handing out things and meeting people who give me a look over because I obviously don't belong, even in nice clothes.
This isn't the kind of job I want to stick with, I hope she knows that. I don't see myself wearing nice suits and working in an office and all that comes with that. That's not the person who I am. I need to do something that is a good outlet for my creativity.
I mean, there's even a way I'm supposed to stand and sit and carry myself at all times so that I can "represent the company well". I don't represent companies, I represent me. But I need a job, and this job pays better and has better hours than all my alternatives. I need it, I'm desperate, my mom is desperate.
But I feel so undeserving, I don't want to let anyone down...I feel so inexperienced and clumsy around those people. I feel so young and insignificant.
I'm sure though that by the time this is over and I've been working for her for a while, and I'll have gotten a degree, I'll have a good amount of experience to get any "good job" out there that I want.
But I don't want a good job. I always saw myself traveling, or working a crap job during the day, auditioning and belly dancing by night.
And somewhere in between all this I have to remember to eat healthy. I took a nap and now I"m not very tired at all.
But I should try to sleep now anyway.
It's about eight o'clock in the morning now, and I am not one bit drowsy at all. I haven't gotten any sleep since sometime in the early afternoon yesterday. So another all-nighter.
In about three hours I'm going to show up for training for that job that I've been so terrified of losing for myself. I really need this job, but part of me just doesn't want it. I don't want to grow up some days. But right now I can't be happy unless I grow up and make some money so I can keep taking belly dance classes...class fees are approaching closer, scarily enough. I need to dig up $120 out of nothing.
I don't know why I can't sleep. I'm not even tired, I'm not sleepy at all. A little dizzy, but not tired.
My mom woke up to me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea. She asked me why I'd been up all night for about the fourth time this week and I just shook my head and made a joke. I had been planning to have a serious talk with her when she woke up too...I was going to tell her that I'm very depressed and that something has to change, something is wrong and I don't know if it's me or if it's my life or my scheduale, but that I need some help. But all that came out was, "Haha, I guess I'm feeling bad." And she asked why and I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop smiling and lying, "I don't know, maybe my period's coming."
In my head I was screaming to get the words out, but I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and making jokes. Why does that always happen when I'm with people, or my mom, or Scott?
Mom wants to pick me up some caffine tablets for today because she doesn't want me to screw up this job opportunity either and doze off or something. I don't know how to tell her she shouldn't do that, that I'm not tired at all. I feel like I never will be. And I don't know how to warn her of what a terrible thing that would be to have in the house. I was screaming it in my head, but my lips were frozen in a fake smile. don't understand myself.
Am I doing this on purpose? Why am I so good at hurting myself?
She asked me if I was feeling bad about myself again, and if that was why I was up so late nowadays. I hate that question, I really hate that question. Of course I'm feeling bad about myself, I always feel bad about myself. I don't get to pick and choose days or moments for when I'm going to feel great and bad. I'm always insecure and feel bad about myself. It's been that way.
But all I could see was my mom who diets and exercises like a maniac anyway, my mom who blames every single one of my slip ups on her being too much of a "casual parent". So I just told her, "No, I'm fine."
And she was fine with that.
For the first time in a very, very long time I went into Walmart today, carrying my bulky, old, beloved CD player with me. It's silly to admit, but my hands were shaking. I pushed my own cart past the arcade and the toy motorcycle, and went everywhere else that I needed to go first. I kept looking over my shoulder nervously. I don't know what I was expecting. I got bedding for my guinea pig, diet pepsi, and I picked up a package of the familliar yellow and purple diet pills that I used to eat like candy whenever I felt sad or just tired. Or hungry. Or empty...lonely. I studied them thoughtfully, like if I looked long enough they would tell me what I needed to know, they could answer my questions.
I put them in the cart and walked around for a while, test driving almost. Trying on the idea I had.
I went to the electronics and held my breath. I needed batteries. I kept looking over my shoulder. I stopped and leaned against the cart and watched that place. I just kept watching, as if somehow if I stared enough, it could tell me what was missing and why things turn out to be the way they do.
I picked up the brightly colored package of pills and walked over to the dvd section.
When no one was looking, I stuffed the package behind a dvd you once pointed out to me, you wanted it for your birthday.
I walked away smiling.
I think I hope they're still there.
Trying to walk away from two of my worst habits, I wonder if I'll ever know what I want anymore.
I guess I have time. Actually, time is all I have right now.
