It's probably because I'm sick but I just feel so weak right now. My head is pounding worse than ever, my stomach hurts, my body feels so weak. I ate an apple and immediately had the runs and felt nauseated. I feel so disgusting, I just wish...I really wish I could lose weight and then I know that it's selfish so I feel terrible for saying that but I want it so bad.

And I'm trying, you know? But it seems that every day these past few weeks the fight that I'm putting up gets weaker and my sickness gets stronger. I just sometimes feel like there's no place in this world for me. But there is, there has to be. Because there's a reason for everyone being here. But I just feel so useless, like I'm taking up space. I guess that's part of the encouragement to get smaller for me...is so I can take up less space.

God, I'm just so tired of myself. I keep lying to my friends and lying more and more. And what am I supposed to do now? What do you have at the end of the day when you're so worn out and alone because you've blocked everyone out and all you have as fuel to go on is this self hate and this little spark of hope that gets smaller and fades some more each day. I don't know, I'm not giving up. But the thing is, the reason why I don't want to give up is getting shameful. It's because I don't want to die looking like this, I want to be thin. So I keep going for the selfish hopes of losing weight. I keep going, and it disgusts me.

When I went to the doctor's today, the nurses were all concerned because I've lost fifteen pounds since my last appoitment which was a month or two ago. I guess since they knew I was going to see a specialist they didn't push the subject. But it bothered me because the nurses who are always so nice to me and carry conversations with me just looked at me crictically and wouldn't smile back or treat me like they used to. It upsets me  because I want them to see past whatever it is their judging me for, which I guess is my weight loss.

I think that my binge earlier today was brought on by feeling worried and helpless and maybe even a little abandoned about my specialist cancelling on me. All the anxiety about it just exploded and I ran to the nilla wafers and cereal and chips and soda and beef jerky for comfort. And, unfortunately ( or...maybe fortunately) I got caught. Lesson learned, sorta.

Anyway, my throat is still killing me, I'm missing school again tomorrow. Hurrah. I'm going to have so much make-up work. My mom and I went to the store today and I bought a lot of groceries (fruits, brown rice, veggies and such) because I'm going to try a new structrured "diet" that's low cal but hopefully healthy. I want to lose weight so bad but I want to live, you know? I'm tired of this controlling me, but sometimes I just want to surrender into it. Anyway, I'm exhausted, so I'll get back to you guys tomorrow.

God, I couldn't help it. I just felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt alone and stupid and I binged and then purged it all back up into the kitchen sink, as if my throat didn't hurt enough already. I just felt like I had to. It's getting bad again...the purging. It's been every day for a week or so.

Anyway, my mom got home and was doing the dishes and she called me to come in and I got all nervous like maybe she somehow could smell it even though I tried to wash the barf down well. She just looked at me with no emotion on her face and said, "if you're going to throw up in the kitchen sink, please do a better job of covering it up, Amy." And she went back to doing the dishes. I am so mortified and I feel so stupid. I feel like a little kid and like I have no control. I feel so weak and stupid and alone right now. And more importantly, I feel fat. I want to just fast so bad but I know it will only lead to more binging and purging and I don't know what to do.

I just wish I would have gotten to see that stupid specialist lady today, as if she would be able to do anything.

I went to the doctor, and I have strep. Hooray. God, this hurts like hell. Anywho...I got a call from mom and found out that after all this worrying and purging and anxiety about the specialist lady, she cacelled on me. I mean, I'll get to see her in two more days instead of today, but that's like an eternity to me. I don't know if I can handle this, you know. Haha, of course I can, I always do, huh?

Anyway, I've been thinking about things. I just watched "Intervention Kim" about a chick with anorexia, hit a little too close to home. My throat hurts, I'm going to go take some pain killers.

One good thing about being sick: it's a slight distraction from food. Slight but still there.

Have a good day, y'all.

source:

http://in.news.yahoo.com/070820/139/6jnkz.html 

London, Aug 20: Anorexia, an eating disorder, might be caused by a genetic brain disorder which shares its traits with autism and Asperger's syndrome, a new study has found.

The study was conducted by a team of researchers led by Prof Janet Treasure at King's College London.

As part of the study researchers tried to figure out the neural networks in the brain to find how patterns of information are processed and how this affects behaviour, to look at the aspects of brain functions that increase the risk of someone falling prey to an eating disorder.

Researchers found the anorexia patients shared traits with people who suffered from autism.

Autism is a disorder that is usually first diagnosed in early childhood. The main signs and symptoms of autism involve communication, social interactions and repetitive behaviours.

The study noted that people with eating disorders had difficulty in changing self-set rules and learnt behaviour once fixed in the brain. They also saw the world in close-up detail, as if they were looking at life through a zoom lens, but this could be at the cost of having an ability to see and think about self-identity and connections with others without getting lost in the details.

This distorted pattern of processing information has a strong similarity to autistic spectrums. It has even been described as the female form of Asperger's, a milder version of the disorder. Traits that may appear in childhood, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or overperfectionism, can often indicate a vulnerability to developing an eating disorder later in adolescence.

"Examining other family members is very important, especially when there is another young woman in the family. The children of women who themselves have had an eating disorder are particularly interesting, as comparing patterns of the illness across generations can enhance our understanding of environmental as well as genetic factors and how they interact," the Telegraph quoted Prof Treasure, as saying. (ANI)

I think it was due to stress about my appoitment today that I binged and purged in the wee hours of the morning. Because I have a head cold and a terrible sore throat, this didn't feel too good. But it was something I felt I just had to do.

I'm so afraid that the specialist will take one look at me and think that I'm too fat to be anorexic or something. I don't want to be weighed, I don't want anyone to analyze me, and I definitely don't want someone to tell me what I've been doing wrong. I guess I'll be going to this appoitment with some bias, but who wouldn't?

Anyway, I can barely talk, my throat is so bad. And my head feels like it weighs a ton. My mom said that I could rescheduale since I'm sick but for some reason I just want to do this. I've stressed out and put myself down enough, it's time I got this over with. 

So my weight has stayed the same since yesterday. Had an apple and some yogurt today, and tomorrow I go back to school. My throat hurts so badly, it hasn't stopped since yesterday morning. I think I'm going to try to organize a diet plan to stick to tomorrow and the rest of the week because it seems like I do better when I know what I'm going to have for the day.

So I've been putting off a lot of things. I've been wanting to make a list of reasons I dislike and like myself (kinda like pros and cons on a personal level) but the thought is frightening so I've avoided getting to it.

I just recently was watching the documentary "I'm a Child Anorexic" and I still think it's very good. It's been my third time watching it. But for some reason it is still so hard to relate to, I always hope it will help me, open my eyes. But I think only I can choose to do it.

My friend and I are supposed to go out together one weekend and hit up all the restaurants we love and order whatever we want and just enjoy and eat everything we've been terrified to. It's like a binge day together, only the rule is that there's no throwing up, no purging. Just support, I guess. It's not the healthiest idea but I want it so bad. It's more terrifying and thrilling then getting a tattoo or piercing or riding a roller coaster for me. The most terrifying thing is food.

Today I just kinda snapped, in a good way. Ate a lot, at least for me. And it wasn't like a binge, it was a healthy amount of food. At first my body welcomed it, I welcomed it. The food, the taking care of myself, it felt so right and I'll never forget that, how taken care of I felt.

I purged in the shower when I got home, my throat hurts so badly, like it feels raw. I don't know, but I want so bad to punish myself. I want to punish myself for eating. I want to punish myself for not eating. I want to punish myself for purging. I want to punish myself for not purging enough. I want to punish myself for wanting to punish myself.

Anyway, I feel calmer now. I can't stand to look at myself, but I feel calm and collected. I figure it could be worse. But I can't help but think how much better it could be. So much better.

I'm glad that I get to get away and do something, hopefully it will take my mind off things. I guess I have nothing else to say. You know the drill. I feel fat. I want to never eat again. I want to eat until I can't move. You know the story.

Well, I was really close. This seems to be routine for me, post something hopeful, and then post again a while later with bad news. I swear, I'm not trying to do that. Anyway, I purged a bit, but not until a few minutes ago so I held out for a long while and purged what I could. I would say I couldn't help it, but I could've. So, I just wanted to get that off my conscience.

Dr. Brillart asked me where I saw myself in the future. Did I see myself as healthy and better? There's the million dollar question. But...maybe that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where I see myself in the future. What matters is what I'm doing now because...that's what's going to affect tomorrow anyway, right? 

You know what? I don't think I want to be thin that much anymore. I'd much rather be happy. I used to think they were the same thing. They're probably not. Too bad I'll never let myself know.