Ceslie is alive and she's fine. In fact, we went to the mall today. Haha, amazing how quickly things have turned around, just goes to show how waiting things out just a while can change everything. And now I get to take a sigh of relief and calm down. That really scared me, whether she knows it or  believes it, I really love her and I don't know what I'd do without her, you know?

But one thing that bugs me is that I feel like she felt she had to threaten her life so she could see if anyone cared, which to me is unfair and I can't handle that too well, you know? But then...I got to thinking. Isn't that kind of like what I'm doing? Hurting myself, slowly killing myself and standing around watching people who care cry out and try to help and I'm ignoring them, testing them. Do you really care? Is what I seem to challenge every time I say no to food.

I don't know, it's something to think about.

Anyway, that's not what this post is about. I got home and let myself have some ice cream and a cookie. I freaked out and purged it up and started slapping my stomach and screaming at myself in the mirror. I have big red welts on my tummy now which upsets me. I honestly scared myself tonight. I don't really know what to do. I just so badly wanted to hurt myself, I was so angry. I just saw red.

I feel incredibly disgusting right now, like a big bloated cow. I don't know, just wanted to vent. So what else is new, huh?

So Ceslie tried to kill herself. Right now I have no idea if she's alive or not. I stayed on the phone with her pretty late, but in the end I had to sleep. Funny that I finally get some sleep the night my best friend is trying to commit suicide. I will never forgive her if she succeeds. I will never forgive her if she didn't decide to wait and try for me, for her family. Because I've stayed and I've been working my ass off for her and them.

And what am I supposed to do without a best friend? What, are things too tough, too painful, too boring for her so she feels she can up and leave me hanging like this? It's convienient for her yeah...she wouldn't have to suffer anymore, she could leave it all on me and the people who care about her to deal with. Leave us with our pain and then pile on some more. I love her, and I don't ever want that to be taken for granted.

I will have to wait and see what happens. I will have to wait.

I've had it with these people. I try to be how they want me to be because everyone bases their emotions on what I do or say.

I tried to be there and be nice for Claire, she's decided to explode at me, say she's sorry she's not good enough for me and that I just must not care about her and blah blah blah, woe is me.

And then I tried to write Ned because I never know what to do in this kind of situation, and of course, he ignores the message.

And then I get angry/depressed letters from Jessie that I'm not talking to him enough and can't I see I'm hurting him and poor him bla bla bla, woe is me.

And then when I don't say the right thing, same thing from Ceslie.

They act like this and then get all angry when I don't get close, when I don't tell the truth, maybe it's because they've given me a reason not to trust them! Maybe it's because I've learned from things like this that if I were to be honest and open up and say what I mean, and not put on a show to make them happy, then they blow up at me and turn themselves into the victims.

Poor everyone else. Poor, poor them. And they all keep saying, "Sorry I can't be a good enough friend, or that I'm not perfect!" what about me? What are you expecting me to be?

...I can be my own best friend. 

I'm reading the book "Second Star to the Right" right now, it's kind of depressing me. I just finished cleaning my room. We bought all the bookshelves we need for the shop. We should be in buisness soon, and it sounds like we'll be fine financially.

I just realized what this "numb" nothing thing I've been feeling is lately. It's not nothing, it's emptiness. There's a difference, I think. Because I realized that I'm, well maybe, I'm lonely. So why do I isolate myself? I mean, I socialize, but I make up stuff and lie. Not because I want to. I hate lying to my friends, but I feel like I have to protect myself. From what?

You know what I think? I need to protect me from myself, not my friends. Isolating myself is just making it worse. I'm not letting anyone get close to me. I keep turning my friend down to hang out because I'm ashamed because I want to stay home so that I can control how much I eat. Which has been nothing these past two days. Which is retarded, is what I think. But you wanna know how I feel? I feel afraid that I'm gaining anyway? I feel terrified that no matter what I do, that something's wrong with me and I'm gonna gain even if I don't eat at all. I'm terrified that I'm going to get sick, or never be happy again. I'm terrified that someone is going to leave me. So I guess that's why I push people away. They can't leave me if they were never there in the first place, you know?

You know who I miss? Well, there's this asshole named Ned...yeah, I've mentioned him before. See, our school had a so-called dance yesterday (everyone files into the gym and they play music). The first time I went to one of our school's dances, I really didn't want to go. I was going to call home sick because I was afraid I would have no one to talk to. Ned convinced me to go, said I wouldn't regret it. It was Valentine's day and I remember sitting down in the corner. And I was joking with Ceslie, the only person who is actually worthy missing right now because she actually treats me right. Anyway, Ned was with us. He asked me to dance, at first I said no, but he convinced me. I stepped on his foot. But I remember instead of pulling away, he pulled me closer and whispered, "It's okay," that was the first time I ever believed anything a man told me. Worst mistake ever.

Anyway, he asked me out, I said no. But we called each other every night since then for a year, we were like...brother and sister, and I really trusted him. He's the first person besides my mom I've ever trusted. I mean, yes there was Kal, but I didn't trust him. The only thing I trusted him in was coming home drunk.

And since around this time last year, the calls stopped. I mean, I would call but he'd ignore them. He stopped smiling at me in the hall. And then he stopped talking or looking at me period. That stupid top eight thing on myspace? I used to be number four. I'm not on it anymore. He made a promise to me that the next dance we went to, he would dance with me and we would go together since we both hate to dance.

But that's stupid high school stuff. Anyway, that's my tragic story. Bascially I went to the dance we had yesterday, he didn't show up. I always remember him as coaxing me to go, it would be worth it...it would be worth it and we would dance together. But it's okay because I think he might be happier now. I don't know, but I think he is. I wish I had a life and I could say the same. I just wish he would call one more time and want to know how my life was going. I want to listen to Disturbed and The Beatles with him again. I want to joke about showers, octopi, and Mt. Dew with him.

Anyway, I don't know where that came from. The point is, that I'm lonely. I guess I should be thankful that I ever had a reason to be. He's probably with her right now, and they're probably happy.

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight

lyrics by Bright Eyes

I just saw an ad on myspace that really upset me. I guess it's silly to be so affected by some stupid ad, but I found it really triggering. It was one of those game ads, where you supposedly play a stupid game to win a cell phone ringtone. Anyway, it depicted a little Nichole Richie walking around dizzily with the words "FEED NICOLE!" floating over her, and you had a slice of pizza and you were trying to force feed it to her by throwing it at her. I tired to ignore it even though it really got to me. And then, suddenly I noticed that if you ignore the game and don't play then when you "lose" Nicole falls over and faints from dizzyness. This just...it disgusted me. I've gotta go take a walk or something...

I went to my appoitment yesterday, and I guess you could say it was good. Good is such a small word; simple.

So I sat in the waiting room while my mom talked to "Ms. Lisa" for what seemed like forever. There were tons of pamphlets on eating disorders and what to do to help if your kid has one. I was about to flip through one of those but then I noticed the magazine rack on the other side of the wall. "LOSE 10 POUNDS IN JUST 2 WEEKS!" and "How to keep the fat OFF!" and the like, graced justs about every single magazine cover in bold, red words. I picked up one of those and learned how to lose ten pounds. Like I didn't know how already.

The appoitment was bascially my mom's form of an intervention. Ms. Lisa gave me the choice of working with her through therapy, or hospitalization. She said that at the rate I was going, she was not going to just stand there and watch me kill myself. We talked about thinspo sites. We talked about my life. We talked about how I feel I NEED to lose fifteen more pounds. We talked about Dad and Mom. We talked about how I'm secretly crying out for help and how proud of me she is for taking this first step. She told me to keep a journal. And she got me a dietitian. Or however you spell it. She's trying to convince me to drink Ensure for nutrients and to focus all of my passion for my eating disorder into my passion for music and theatre and friends. She wants me to make a collage about what I want my life to be like when I get healthy and recover.

I kept nodding, I kept eyeing the huge doctor's scale behind her desk. And I kept wondering how much I would weigh on that thing. Would I end up with moderate self hate, complete loathing, suicidal hate, or getting there but still needs work? Those are the measurments that have been encoded into us.

Anyway, here's what I was thinking the whole time: HELP ME! Which is funny, because I was in the right place for help. But my heart was not in it. In fact, I was planning on fasting today, maybe just to spite her and the dietitian. I am terrified of them and myself, I guess. I feel like the control (which is terribly out of control right now) that I have is being taken away. Which is funny. It's as if supporting parents, a professional on eating disorders, and a nutritionalist aren't enough to help me learn how to eat correctly. But that's the thing, they're not. We're missing one important candidate in this fight for life: me.

How selfish, my mom's money goes down the drain, I disappoint this lady, and voila, you have my life.

There was this girl who was out in the waiting room. She looked really upset and nervous, she was very thin and she was blonde. She kept stealing glances at me when she thought I wasn't looking. But I guess that makes both of us, I was looking at her too. I wonder what she was thinking. I was thinking I was jealous of her, she was beautiful and thin. I wonder what she was thinking...maybe if I knew, maybe this wouldn't be so hard. I'm too afraid to believe that we may feel the same. I don't even know her name.

Anyway, my mom decided it would be appropriate to go to Olive Garden right after my session. Joy. Heavenly joy. Oh, please, God...no.

I did it for my little sister. I wish I could say I did it for me. I ate and then I threw up in Barnes and Noble's bathroom stall.

There's a girl at school who pulled me aside today to talk to me and she wanted to know if I was okay. She said I was losing more weight and that she was worried about me. I just...I felt so undeserving and stupid. I felt like I was out looking for attention, but I hugged her anyway and I'm really grateful for that. Especially because she said if I ever needed to talk about it she would be there for me. I don't even know her well.

So yeah...those are the events since I last updated. Which was only last night, but still.
You gotta keep an eye on this world, it can sneak up on you and suprise you when you realize where you are. 

I'm about to leave to go to my appoitment, yes that dreaded one. Haha, it probably won't even be a big deal or worth all the anxiety I put myself through. Anyway, I forgot to mention that I binged and purged again last night. Which really sucked, and I think my mom noticed (yet again) and didn't say anything. I really got very depressed last night for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I'm going to do my best today, and I'll let you cool cats know how it went later, I guess.

So all the things I said I was 'losing' last night I'm busy getting back. My life was just a total wreck last night but I just recontacted everyone I've been ignoring, I took a shower which I'd been putting off (eeew, I know), I took care of my hair and myself, I ate breakfast (which I purged a bit but not all of), and I'm dressed nice and I'm ready for the world again. I just feel renewed. I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid last night because I would have missed out on this feeling of a new chance. Every day really is a new chance, I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true, isn't it?

And you know what, I miss my friends. At first I didn't, I wanted to be rid of them and the guilty feeling they gave me when I hurt myself. See, I hated them for making me care because caring made me feel weak, attatched, and it kept me from harming myself even more because I cared. But I owe them my life and now I owe them an apology. So I'm about to go do that but I thought I'd just update to let you all know that I'm still alive, I'm still screwed in the head and sick, but I'm still alive.

I think I'm losing everything. I just...I don't know. My life and everything good in it is just slipping away and I am just this close to having a breakdown here. My friends are gone, it's not their fault, I won't answer my phone. But they know that I don't want to talk to them and they've given up on me, and it makes me so angry at myself. My mom has obviously given up on me. I'm terrified about my appoitment tomorrow, I feel so fat and so hungry. I can't figure out which one hurts worst right now. My school work...well I can kiss that goodbye, I've already missed so much school already. I have no life and it's all my fault. I just screw everything up, my head really hurts.