I just binged and purged. Well, I guess it's not really binging. I had a Lean Cuisine (280 cals) and two bagels (240 cals) and spent about forty five minutes trying to get it all back up.

I don't know, I don't know why I'm even telling anyone this. I'm a screw up, I know.

I'm suddenly feeling really good. Physically, I feel terrible, but mentally I want to take on the world. I think it's because I feel like I want to make everything better. I want to take care of everyone right now. I'm not happy at all, but I'm just confident in what kind of a difference I can make in people's lives.

See, I still feel fat and disgusting and worthless. But I feel like that doesn't mean I can't change that. I feel like I can get things done right now. I'm still so weary about getting better and eating normal amounts and not purging, but I'm going to do my exercise tape again tonight and think it through. After all, I can't do much change for the world if I'm not alive, eh?

I just finished purging what I could of breakfast. I found the sink clogged with my purging from yesterday which was depressing. I think I've gained weight, but of course, I have no idea because I'm not allowed to see a scale. And of course that's for my own good, according to someone else. My mom is mad at me, I think, and I feel bad because I realize that such an amazing lady like her...she ended up with a leech of a daughter, just sucking all the good and fun and stuff from her and spitting it out ungratefully.

I think that the purging right now is a way to get back at all the people who are trying to help me recover. I forgot after a year about how humiliating it can be to have your weight taken blindly. To have to strip down and step on the scale and not even know what the number is, but someone else does and she's writing it down and she's shaking her head and she's telling you what you need to do if you want to get better and you're telling yourself why you shouldn't and she's telling you why you should but it sounds like she's speaking spanish and then she probably goes home to a family and eats her dinner and goes to bed and lives and you go home and throw up just to spite someone when really the only one you're hurting is you and your family who don't deserve this shit.

Yeah, so I missed school and I don't really care. I don't really care about this, it's getting worse, you know. The need to lose weight. It's getting pretty psycho the way my brain is working.

I went and got my hair done, drastic difference from how it used to be. I was so happy because I felt like I looked good. And I went home and grabbed a handful of crackers without even thinking about it and ate them. It wasn't until later that I realized what I had done, I didn't even look at the nutrition label. I didn't even think about eating. I had been hungry, and I had let myself eat because I was feeling good and confident, I guess. That's what normal people do, right? They eat a handful of crackers without thinking about it, right? It was just amazing, I haven't done that in such a long time.

I got confronted by my friends about 'how thin' I am. See, I guess I kind of got back home and freaked out because I felt so out of control and huge and bad about myself for the crackers I ate. I binged and then purged last night. I am exhausted today, but I ate breakfast and didn't purge this time. I don't feel good. I don't feel happy, just chill.

I haven't been following my dietitian's rules, I feel bad but also like I have to "protect" myself, which is retarded because it's me I need protecting from.

Things I miss:

*Onion Rings.
*YooHoo
*Hot chocolate
*Stuffed crust pizza
*nachos
*Real sugar
*Real Dr. Pepper
*Muffins
*Frosting
*Peanut butter
*KFC's macaroni and cheese
*Biscuits
*Bananas
*Chips
*Tea with real sugar in it
*Licking the spoon when I make cookies
*Cordon Bleu
*Bread
*Cheese
*Chicken
*Ice cream
*Fun
*Me

So my life has been taken over. No more diet pills, no more weighing myself, no more doing what I want. It's one step away from hospitalization. Things are clamping down around me and I'm scared. Actually, no, I don't really care. I guess I never did?

Today:
*Went to therapy, lied.
*Saw dietitian, got a huge list of rules, my mom was told I had some "major issues".
*Got blind weighed, weighed backwards just like they used to do in the hospital, freaked out.
*Went to Goodwill and treated myself to new old CDs.
*Exercised.

New rules:
I need to get my blood work done.
I have to throw the diet pills and the scale out.
I have the choice of drinking gatorade or ensure every day, naturally I chose ensure.
I will be weighed every week, if I'm getting worse or my weight is declining, I will be faced with hospitalization.
I'm not allowed to exercise anymore or write down what I eat.

The Reality of it all:
I'm having a panic attack, I'm scared, I don't care, I feel disgusting even though I haven't eaten anything, I'm becoming sneaky, I'm arguing with myself, I don't know quite what to do.

Oh, and I'm going to go get my hair done tomorrow.
I feel strangely calm yet freaked out about all this. I want someone to talk to, I was trying not to cry on the drive home and now I feel strangly giddy, I can't handle my emotions right now. I guess that's why I choose not to feel them.

Also, apparently I'm worse off physically than I thought and now I'm going to have to go get another physical done. Joy.

and I put my waist length hair in a ponytail and cut it off last night. I was freaking out, wanted to take scissors to my skin, wanted to feel something. So I cut my hair instead. It's terribly uneven and just cut badly so I'm going to the salon to get it fixed on Thursday. I felt so better after I cut it, I couldn't stop laughing, I guess I probably sound like a crazy person. But I was so happy because see, I felt elated and good and I just felt something and it was nice.

So I was all of the sudden craving crackers like madly today, so I ate some. I'm kind of upset at myself so I'm staying out of the kitchen, that place always triggers me to starve/purge/binge and whatnot. Thanks for reading the madness. I'm doing okay, just moving on.

My first memory of being cuddled by someone. He was so big compared to me but I still felt fat lying on him. When he put his arms around my body it was like I could dissappear. No one was going to get to me because for a moment it was as if I didn't exist. When I feel nothing, it's when I feel as though it's all okay. I love someone who can make me feel empty because there is nothing, and it feels so...empty and safe and not too much, not too little...just right.

Oh, god...I just hate myself.

These days keep melting into one another like a big haze. I have no idea what day it is, I have no idea what time it must be. Seems like no matter where I am I am tired and I am confused. Of course, no one will notice because I am just that good. Psh, yeah right.

I saw myself in the locker reflection today and I saw someone else and looked behind me but no one was there and maybe it was me. So I'm arguing with her right now and I think she's angry because she thinks I don't love her as much as she loves me. She tried to strangle me today, but all I had to do was say the right thing and she loosened her grip. I know how to hurt people without touching them. She says all I feel is numb and maybe so. I think so. I sent him a message saying that I want to go away forever, and I'm sure he rolled his eyes because it says my message was delelted.

People all look the same, they all have the same bodies. Mine is deformed and misfigured and I am ashamed. I purged again, but I did my exercise tape. Things have all ran into each other. Everything is the same and I'm sorry to sound so cliche but everything hurts right now. Everyone is hurt, and I'm tired of hurt. So I'd rather feel nothing.

I suppose I'm going to stop feeling responsible for everyone. I can't keep doing that because it's making me snap. The stupid head games, the drama fests. It disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself. I do not ever believe that giving up is the answer, it's the excuse. It's a choice of the weak, and it's not for me.

So if someone's going to fall, I'm not getting dragged down with them. Sure, I'll be there with my hand out when they're ready to try getting back on their feet, but I'm staying standing up.

I can't get the song "She's Falling Apart" by Lisa Loeb out of my head. And it's pissing me off.