Today has been a roller coaster unhinged off its track, emotionally, at least.

Woke up depressed and sad and lonely and self concious. Became confident and ready to change from 10-12. Became severely depressed and suicidal from then on until 4:30 today. Became extremely energetic, purged, cleaned the house ran around and ignored my feelings and decided that life is so worth living, happy happy joy joy, ect. Now everything has calmed down and I feel like crying, I feel exhausted and used.

I don't know what's happening to me. This medicine was supposed to work better, but it's not, it's not helping at all. Today I was supposed to go to the doctor and check up with him about how the new meds are working, cancelled that appointment. I'll have to rescheduale it. I don't know what's happening anymore. It's like I'm a million different people and I can't trust myself.

I'm feeling the strong urge for someone to use me, control me, screw around with me, use me. But then I just want everyone to go away, I just feel so worthless and I'm sick of my cliche whiny self so I'm trying so hard to still be a happy, reliable friend.

I hadn't eaten for almost two days, came home and ate four slices of toast and three mini candy bars and wrote a suicide not that is extremely selfish and pathetic. I ripped it up later and that's when I purged and started cleaning the house. I've had an apple since then and my stomach is killing me. I'm up to 101 and I'm disgusted and scared and relieved.

I don't know if I'm getting into any colleges anytime soon. My grades just plain suck because I don't care about them anymore. Jeez, I am a mess, and all because I can't help myself. I'm too much.

When I used to be desperate for thinspiration and didn't have access to a computer in my darker days, I would always pick up my fashion magazines and look at their deathly, dizzy looking models. They look like they're sick, diseased, dying, tired, deadly.

I looked at them and saw my goal, a target to shoot at. They were always better, stronger, in control. And I felt I was hopelessly inadequate.

So, now, I've got a plan to change things so that hopefully one day, no more little girls will have to look to them as role models or ideals of beauty.

I'm writing a letter with a petition attatched to it of as many signatures I can get of fellow teen girls I know who promise to boycott the magazine until they discontinue their sick, twisted illusion of what beauty is. I'm going to try to get people all over the county to do the same so that hopefully the message will get across, and that we will be taken seriously. And if it doesn't work, then so what? That's just more encouragement to try harder.

I went to my friend's house, saw this bowl of chocolates and knew I was going to eat them. I stuffed my face, to put it kindly. I hadn't eaten anything else but half an apple today and I was hungry. So...so what?

A girl stopped me in the hall today and said, "Hey, do you eat?" I didn't know her at all. "What do you mean?" I said uncomfortably, I'd been feeling self concious and fat all day (more so than usual). She says, "Do you eat, like, at all? How are you so skinny?"

The old me would have secretly cherished a comment like that. It would be a sign that I was doing something right. But now, I felt totally devastated. I don't want to be a freak, it's not about how I look so much anymore as it is the control. I don't know how to explain it correctly. Anyway, I got really depressed and started thinking about how I wanted out of this, I wanted to overcome this and kick it in the ass for good. To do that there are a lot of feelings I will have to confront and face that I really don't want to. But it's time to decide what I want more.

I kind of feel like I'm wasting time, like that I should be doing something more important. I want to be important and respected, but so far all I am is someone cliche and weak; a follower. So what's the first step? I guess it's really wanting change, and actually making that commitment to yourself that you are going to change.

My friends hate me, I know they must. They do. The smiles and the "it's okay"s, they're getting old, they're faded and more and more forced each day and they're getting tired of me. They're almost as sick of my excuses and lies as I am.

I'm embarassed. It seems like...I can never hold a friend down, you know? I'm so bad about answering the phone (it gives me anxiety attacks) or responding to e-mails or saying the nice thing, the right thing. I'm no good at that stuff, and it takes a huge toll on me. It's exhausting keeping up with the rest of the world. And I'm jealous, I'll admit, of all my friends. And for no reason! They're lives are worse than mine.

I want to make a difference, and it feels like the me on the outside is. She's got it all figured out, she's in control and in command and she's making a difference. I have a petition planned out and everything, I could go somewhere with this. I just have to focus, and yet...I really can't. I'm so anxious about my weight, so nervous.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Another Monday. I'm going to catch up on my sleep.

I'm on a cloud, and my arms are out and I'm naked and I'm okay with that; I am comfortable with that. My hair is being played with in the wind and my eyes sting with tears and my mouth is slightly open in content. The sky is beautiful and I am beautiful and because of that the world is beautiful. I don't care about anything but the colors and the feeling in my chest when I see them. I'm not worried about yesterday, tomorrow, or even right now. My heart is beating at a healthy pace in my chest and I am alive and that is enough for me. I am safe but so close to the edge and I'm okay. Everything is going to be okay, and I look fine. And it doesn't matter what I look like anyway, because I am in love. I am in love and loved back. I am in love with the world. I am in love with my family. I am in love with myself and my body. I am in love with destiny and the trees and the sky and love itself. I am eternal and everything and everything is me. And it doesn't matter if it's raining. I'm dancing and I'm free. And I am above calories and I am above selfishness, I am above the cares of the world because I am infinite.

That's what I want, that's my greatest wish. Is that selfish?

It's all I can do just to hold myself together today and I feel so awful. I hate that, I so badly want to see the world in a different light so that I can get something accomplished. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I feel unbearably guilty, almost to the point of tears, and I have  no idea quite why.

I have nothing to feel guilty about! Right? I really hope so, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm defected. Like I came messed up and so there's something wrong, broken inside me that can't be fixed.

Anyway, I got a lot of cool stuff today, so I should be happy. My friend Ned talked to me finally a few days ago. Asked me for fifty cents and said thank you. I was so, so incredibly happy it's pathetic. And I couldn't even let myself be happy about it because I had to overthink it.

Sheesh, it's retarded, being me.

I feel like a bad person. A selfish person. It's ridiculing me everywhere I go now, in my head. The voice says, "You're worthless. You don't deserve that. You hurt everyone. You're so selfish. You're so disgusting and fat." And you know what? That gets old!

I just want to be alone, but I want company and I don't ...don't know what I want.

I feel so inspired to be something more than I am right now. Have you ever felt so fed up with yourself...so...contained within the shell that is you that you just want to explode out of yourself and do something worthwhile, world changing? That's just how I feel right now and it's unbearable.

As the depression sets in I realize I've been neglecting my friends very much. I'm trying so hard to put on the it's okay act and to get my work done and to just live like normal. But I ache and I'm exhausted from life and from myself. I keep hoping that if I hold out long enough, I can get through this, I can get better if I hold out, if I'm strong enough...then someday I can start living and practicing what I preach. But it's slowly setting in that I'm probably wrong. I can't do it on my own.

I don't know exactly what I do or where I go from here. What's supposed to happen to me? Is my own weakness holding me back or is it my mind? My emotions? The chemicals inside me? The prozac isn't helping, sometimes I get paranoid and think it's making it worse. Is it my fault it's not working?

So many questions and I just don't know. I'm so anxious to get out there and life and do something. But I feel so weary of it, so tired of it. Life. Will I wake up tomorrow and find I'm okay? Or will this nightmare never end?

I feel so glad that I didn't give in last night or give up. I missed school again, but at least I'm alive and not in a hospital, you know? Jeez, I feel so much better, I think it's because I'm taking my meds again.

Music has been a big part of my life right now, I don't know. It just is.

So...I'm going to take the advice of the specialist I am no longer seeing and list my accomplishments for today instead of my mistakes:

*I ate a banana this morning and kept it down.
*I got a good night's sleep.
*I kept in touch with my friends today by sending them all upbeat messages.
*I have not told a lie to cover up my eating problems so far.
*I weighed myself and felt okay with the number.
*I took my Prozac.
*I only took two diet pills so far.
*I did all my homework
*I am going to school tomorrow
*I am done with my AR book.

See, now that feels better.

I'm having a hard time right now, I don't know...I feel so alone. I want to be happy so badly. I really need to go to the hospital, not for physically dangerous reasons, I'm not that bad, but for mental ones...I swear I am a threat to myself and I don't want to be and I can't do this anymore. The only thing that's stopping me from going to the hospital is the money...and I'm so afraid of being the fat one there. I don't want to be the fat one, I don't want to deal with all the skeletal chicks that will be there while I'm just normal. I hate this. I'm so retarded. I need to get out.

Things have been kinda messed up lately which is why I've haven't posted in a few days, so I'm sorry about that. Monday I basically starved myself and fell into a deep depression about my medicine. See, so far it had been actually working well....I felt better about everything in my life, except my weight. I felt miserable and the bad habbits were still there. I began to question the idea of taking my Prozac, bad idea. Threw it up. Binged and purged several times yesterday, not even because I was starving the day earlier...just to do it. For the hell of it. To spite my doctor and everyone else who cares about me. I basically was hoping I'd drop dead yesterday.

Exhausted from all of the purging, I was lying in bed last night with a calculator, trying to figure out how many calories I would burn that night in my sleep when it hit me that this was stupid. I dropped the calculator and went to sleep.

Didn't have lunch or breakfast today, but I feel good about myself a little and I just had a bowl of cereal and some crackers, so hey. Life's better.

I have no idea how I pulled myself out of that dark place...it felt like it wasn't me who was taking over and cheering up...it was something else, someone else. Strange...but I'm thankful regardless.

I still haven't heard back from that school yet. I don't know.
Oh, and I cleaned my room and I'm going to go exercise and take a bath. So here's to a better start, eh?