It seems like an unhealthy cycle to me. This is what I've noticed I do: eat healthy and try really hard...until I get to a certain weight or size that I consider ugly on me, and then I get back into unhealthy habits until I lose it...so I feel guilty for messing up and start all over again. Repeat.

It's sad when you begin to realize how predictible you are. I'm really not kidding when I say I can't wait for this month to be over. The show will be over, the first few weeks of school will be over, everything will be...moved on from a little. I want to put some distance between myself and my life for a moment and just live, not run errands and make appoitments.

 

Today was good for eating, I think. I got a lot done, bought a bunch of fabric for costumes for the show...which is stressing me out to no end.
I'm feeling too tired and on the run to slow down and acess this situation and how I feel.

 

I figured out how to read my comments, and they were so supportive and put a boost in my step this morning. I woke up feeling pretty much hopeless. I was supposed to be going to a belly dancing workshop this morning and found out yesterday that I really couldn't afford it. So after getting ready to go into work this morning I was feeling pretty down and unmotivated to get through my day, let alone go through it healthily. I know that sounds spoiled and like I was making a big deal over a little thing...but I've been noticing that it's the little things all together that really help make a difference in the end. Just like reading those comments have made me excited to even have a place to go into work for. I'm very thankful, and I'm going to try for an awesome day.

 

I must be computer illiterate or something because I'm having trouble reading comments that anyone leaves me. So if you left me a comment and I haven't replied, it's not because I'm ignoring your or that  don't appreciate it, I just can't read it or get to it as of yet. Sorry about that, but thank you anyways.

I got dressed this morning and my pants didn't fit. That's not very fun, not for me. If I were a more rational, logical person I could take this all with a grain of salt. I'm too stubborn to look for something that does fit, and as unhealthy as it may be I've just been walking around with my shirt pulled over the waistband, the pants are unbuttoned and unzipped. It's my hips, my hips are too wide for them now.

I always had this ideal image of myself in my head as "too small". I liked the idea of being too small to have children. Too small to get a period. Too small to grow up. Too small to have to worry about things because I was "sick" so I needed to be taken care of. I'm a "normal" person in a normal size and I like to think of myself as pretty independent and self sufficient now.
I think the too big for my jeans, again, has gotten to me though.

I had a dream last night that I was going to a carnival. There were these two twins that were doing a magic show there with face paint on, and they were supposed to be really popular and have a huge following. When I left the carnival to go home they followed me around a corner and were harassing me and making threats at me. Their big deal was that for some reason they thought they had one up on me just because I couldn't tell who was who of them and they kept bringing that up as if it mattered. I eventually shook them off. When I got home there were a bunch of hamsters and guinea pigs and rodents in my room and I couldn't find enough cages to put them in, but I was worried if I didn't get them all their own cages soon they would attack and kill each other. I was afraid they might also hurt Taco Beef and her baby Queso so I was freaking out. But then suddenly my mom came in, while I was running around picking up rodents, and said, "Amy, you don't really have all these pets in your room, it's just a dream." And they all disappeared and it was just Taco Beef and Queso in their cage like normal. And then I woke up all stressed out and sitting up. It was really strange.

 

Everyone's gone. Summer is over, I guess. But when the sun is still so bright and everything...I don't really feel like calling it over. I need a vacation somewhere. That's silly, but I do.
When I went back to school last year with my friends everyone was all concerned when they saw me. I was thin and so close to some sort of goal.
Now everyone else is going back and I'm bigger than I've ever been in my life.

I keep seeing stupid pictures of her everywhere. All of these people who are my friends have pictures of her on their myspace. She's supposed to be really cute and fun to be with. And she's from Arizona too. I just want to punch her and hurt him. Get out of my life.

I found the elevator guy on myspace. Don't ask me how, but I did it. I added his friend instead who seems like less of a lady's man and more of a nice guy. We're having a conversation right now. Last night I was so excited about finding them. But now that I see that they're just normal people with normal lives who work and go to school and have to get up every day and do the same thing, I feel empty. They can't save me from anything. They can't make me free from myself. It's supposed to be me. This sucks.

 

Huh.

My medical insurance no longer covers me seeing Scott who happens to be the first therapist I've ever had an okay relationship with. To continue seeing him would cost me $120 a week, at least. That's not including the gas that it takes to drive the fourty five minutes there and back to see him that we were already paying.

So that's it. I'll never see him again.
Life is kinda harsh. I wish I had had at least a warning before I last saw him, that's all.

The phone company shut off our phone service at the shop today, and my mom paid them to turn it back on. So now her bank account is over drawn yet again. So after spending all day scrambling trying to get it back in the black, they let her know it didn't matter...she was going to have to pay the charges anyway. So now we're gathering up all the scraps of aluminum that we can pull off our shed to take the the recycling place for some money. And tomorrow we're taking our sewing machine to the pawn shop because the flute is already gone. Hopefully she'll be able to buy it back once the student loans come in. It's too late for the flute, that's already gone.

And yet I say this while my nice cell phone goes off because of a text I'm getting with my nice unlimited text messaging plan, so what right do I have to complain anyway?

One of my favorite dancers and role models, Shamsi, is teaching a workshop in Baton Rouge that we're going to this weekend, and the only reason why we get to go is because we asked her to put a hold on charging us. And because she's such a sweet, understanding lady she'll let us pay a whole month late. It's so embarassing to ask people to do stuff like that. Like, our costumes came in for the show this week and we had to ask Ilea if she'd wait for us to pay her, too. I know it's not a big deal, and I guess it's because I'm spoiled that it's embarassing for me. I have a lot of pride and idependence when it comes to my family and our financial situation.
One day I'm going to make so much money and I'm going to pay for my mom's teeth and pay off all her debt and get us a nicer house and a new car. I don't know why those things should be so important, but they are.

I went out to eat with a friend today, and that was really fun. I did fantastic, and my feelings towards myself for eating so much are not too bad at all. Managable.

Everyone is going back to school tomorrow except for me. I feel like a failure most of the time.

 

My nerves are all on end today. I did my make up really nice and got dressed up in something cute and now I'm upset because I haven't been able to leave the house. I went outside and started to take a walk but everytime a car would pass I'd get so nervous that after about ten minutes I had to run back to my house and go inside.

I feel like my nice perfume and all my pep talks and everything went to waste today. I'm just going to wash it all off in an hour or two.
I was up all night last night listening to a song that I just kept putting on repeat.
I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop having replays of what happened with Ben going on over and over and over in my head. I was so embarassed and upset that everytime I'd close my eyes they'd just snap back open and I'd want to go run and hide because I was so bothered by my thoughts.

Is it selfish to feel alone when you're really, really not? Not only do I have three close friends that have let me know I can come to them for anything, that I can honestly say that I trust, but there are a lot of other people I have...accquaitances who want to hang out and talk with me too. But I just feel so lonely and I like I have to get out of here. I want to go back to the hotel room and hide in there.

I feel like this house is suffocating me and I have to get out, but I'm terrified to.

 

 

I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't answer it and they didn't leave a voicemail.

I wonder if it was him, you know?

I don't know what to do, but the suspense is killing me.

 

Let's all try to have a good day. A great day today. Let's all try to just try.
I'll try to.