For the first time in a very, very long time I went into Walmart today, carrying my bulky, old, beloved CD player with me. It's silly to admit, but my hands were shaking. I pushed my own cart past the arcade and the toy motorcycle, and went everywhere else that I needed to go first. I kept looking over my shoulder nervously. I don't know what I was expecting. I got bedding for my guinea pig, diet pepsi, and I picked up a package of the familliar yellow and purple diet pills that I used to eat like candy whenever I felt sad or just tired. Or hungry. Or empty...lonely. I studied them thoughtfully, like if I looked long enough they would tell me what I needed to know, they could answer my questions.
I put them in the cart and walked around for a while, test driving almost. Trying on the idea I had.
I went to the electronics and held my breath. I needed batteries. I kept looking over my shoulder. I stopped and leaned against the cart and watched that place. I just kept watching, as if somehow if I stared enough, it could tell me what was missing and why things turn out to be the way they do.
I picked up the brightly colored package of pills and walked over to the dvd section.
When no one was looking, I stuffed the package behind a dvd you once pointed out to me, you wanted it for your birthday.
I walked away smiling.
I think I hope they're still there.
Trying to walk away from two of my worst habits, I wonder if I'll ever know what I want anymore.
I guess I have time. Actually, time is all I have right now.
I have been lying in bed sleepless for almost four hours. Now I'm here updating real quick with a cup of tea that will hopefully put me to sleep, but even if it did, I'd have to get up in two hours or so. All I have to say is that insomnia sucks.
Claire called me today and mentioned that her new therapist says she has insomnia because it's usually two in the morning before she can ever fall asleep nowadays. Sometimes I want to cross my fingers and hope that she could feel what insomnia is really like. What it's like to miss out on important tests (like the one I stayed up all night worked up about until six in the morning and missed yesterday), important opportunities (like the one that I'm going to sabbotage for myself today), and important time that you'll never get back.
Claire also called to tell me that she has informed her mom of all the terrible things I've done, and the people I've had sex with, and that she's upset because her mom doesn't want her to have anything to do with me from now on. "Delete her from your myspace!" Already done, Claire's mom, already done. "And never talk to her again!" I thought that was her initial plan, seeing as I'm so terrible a friend already.
My head is killing me, it really is. I think that it's going to split in two, it hurts so much.
I dislike my body very much. I don't like myself. I'm not happy anymore. I feel lonely all the time, but when people are around I want to be left alone.
I just really dislike my body.
I'm looking at everything backwards, and it's reflecting on my mental state.
I keep seeing all of this as slowly undoing everything I worked so hard on, instead of slowly progressing towards health, towards something good. I feel like people are coming into my house and trashing and breaking things right now and it makes me feel panicked and upset.
I wonder if I need a new therapist. I really like Scott, love him even. But that's the problem. That's the point, I don't want to disappoint him. And that's not how a therapist/patient relationship should be. I want to lie to him about everything so I won't hurt him, I'm looking at this as more of a friendship than his job, than counseling sessions.
I need some relief.
I need to feel calm and okay. I should probably try to go back to sleep and get the couple hours I can. I don't want to screw up this thing that's going for me too.
I've been taking practice tests and studying up on all my weak points for about three hours now. I still feel unprepared and afraid about passing at all. My weak-point is still math, although on the last test I took I only missed four in math this time.
I don't know how to explain how hard I've been working so that I can get a good education. I've been working my butt off so that I can have the same chances as everyone else to go to school at the level that is appropriate for me.
My friend posted a bulletin on Myspace about the school jackets coming in and how they're cool. I want a jacket and a class ring too.
I've been studying and working harder than I ever did at MACA, which is upsetting because I won't get the degree when I feel like I really am smart enough to do anything I want, you know? And if not, I'm a really fast learner. I took yet another test proving what grade level I'm at. And you know what, I deserve to brag a little and all signs show that I'm beyond high school level. So I wish that people would stop treating me like I'm dumb, like I'm taking the easy way out, like I'm foolish for dropping out.
As Scott pointed out, I'm not dropping out of school. I'm continuing my education by leaving high school and going to college. I'm not dropping out and falling behind. I'm jumping ahead. So I wish people would stop making me feel like I don't know anything. This is NOT the easy way out, this is the hardest thing I've ever done, if I wanted to be lazy and take the easy way out I would have dropped out and not done all that I'm doing. Or I would have repeated the tenth grade and relearned everything so that I wouldn't have to do any work that's hard. It would be so much more acceptable and socially "normal" and easy to deal with as far as how others treat me and the work difficulty to just give in, suck it up, shut up, and repeat. But I didn't choose the easy way out. I don't care what anyone says. No one can say they understand, and no one has a right to judge me unless they've been through what I'm going through, and done all that I've applied myself to do.
And when I get my bachelor's degree, no one's going to care if I graduated from high school or got my GED, it won't matter. I'll have a degree, and to be honest, I'll have worked twice as hard as a lot of people to get it. This is really scary to me, and sometimes it seems unfair.
But I'm also excited to kick some major ignorant butt as far as this whole process goes. I'm setting a new standard for students, that's my goal. If the schoolboard wanted to set an example out of me...I'll give them an example. A successful, confident, hard working, down-to-eath, non-judgemental student who will someday make twice what they do.
I promise.
"What am I doing here?
What am I waiting for?
Will somebody fall from heaven
And join me on the floor?
Why am I holding out...
Pretending it might be sent?
I will not understand this
Any better than
If sugar falls
All over me
If sugar falls,
Then we'll see
So I'll wait
As I always wait
As I always wait
For something more.
What If I try escaping this...
Hoping for some repair?
Then what if all this heartache,
Follows to find me there?"
I have to, have to, have to, absolutely must study for my practice GED test tomorrow. Seriously. I need to do that, now.
Ehhh.
I think I'm going to start slowly but surely keeping track of what I eat as far as vitamins and nutrients go. I have a feeling I'm missing out on key things that should be in my diet, but I've been afraid to even go back and analyze what I eat even a little at all because even a step in that direction (the direction of controlling what I eat) is just asking for trouble.
But how to go about it...? I'll ask Scott. Although he'll probably tell me not to worry about it. I want to be healthy though, really healthy without any regrets. Is that impossible?
I'm sure that the overwhelming guilt about eating normally stops at some point. Well, maybe it never stops altogether, but hopefully it lessens as time goes on. If not, don't tell me...I need to have something to look forward to with this, even if I'm lying to myself.
I've had two really good meals today, and I kept them both down and I'm here because triggers are everywhere. And here where I keep typing and keep moving, it's hard to let myself stop and catch up on what I'm feeling. Bad, yeah, I'm sure.
I know that my need to please myself, to hunger, to take over the control, gets jumbled up in every day things in my life all the time. If it can't come out in eating, it sneaks through the cracks of my health shield and meddles in other aspects of my life. But when the damage is done at the end of the day...it all comes back to me blaming it on myself, it all comes back to me not being thin enough. Or at all.
I feel as though my body is constantly changing. One day I'm getting there, I feel thinner. The next I feel out of place and huge and clumsy. And others I feel strange and pretty average, which still manages to upset me. Sometimes it's just my butt or maybe my stomach or my legs or my arms that have put on weight in my eyes. I wish I were joking, but it all seems so real to me. It really does appear to my eyes that I change like this. Not like comically, movie morphing changes. But like, realistic looking (if that makes sense at all) changes.
Will this always be there? I don't know yet how to approach this problem at all.
I've just been trying to eat when I'm hungry and feel what I have to feel, even if it's misery or self hatred for a while. I just feel it and tell myself it's worth it. Tomorrow is worth it.
I ate well today, I think. Although lately it's hard to tell because I've been living off of what my mom brings back to me occasionally or whatever I can find the time to buy when out because our house is really lacking in the food department right now.
I did a tarot reading for myself today, and I was inspired by the cards I did pull. It made me think more deeply about this period in my life. It's not an ending. I keep looking at things in a series of the end. Things are just changing. I do have a lot of oppurtunities right now. And as scared as that makes me feel, I just grab onto my stuffed animals and know that I can always hold onto some old ways of life.
I just have to let a lot of other things go right now.
No Arizona, no Spencer or anything. We don't have enough money to make the trip.
If you've had/have an eating disorder then I'm sure you know what I mean when eventually reality and the truth kind of switch off with lies and denial. At least, I know this to be true. When I first began skipping meals and throwing up when I did eat in the sixth grade, I was ashamed about it and knew it was wrong. I was positive it couldn't be good for me, and I told myself I would stop eventually when I felt like I wanted to. That's funny. Looking at me now, that's hilarious. But anyway, there's some point that I don't know exactly when...when you just suddenly don't feel ashamed, you don't feel like you're being unhealthy. It feels like everyone else is wrong and you're right and they're trying to keep you from being happy. It's like all logic and a sense of reality gets thrown into the closet. You no longer tell yourself you'll stop eventually when you feel like it because you know it's unhealthy. No, you don't want to stop because you can't and you're afraid and you feel like this is the only healthy thing you have going for you, the only thing you have.
That is a place I never want to go back to again. It's like you're out in the ocean in the water somewhere and it's dark. You're alone with yourself. It feels like nothing is going to make you happy ever again.
I'm so glad that I belly dance.
Before a lot of other stuff happened last night my dad called me. It was weird to try to come up with something to say about how I was because I couldn't remember what I'd said since I last heard from him (my birthday). We usually talk on the phone about once a month and see each other about once a year. I finally told him about school. Of course he's disappointed and stuff, but he doesn't let it out on me. I can appreciate him for that, he doesn't take things out on me...he tries to hide what he's feeling until he gets off the phone. But it's my dad and I can tell he was upset. And he kept saying "well..." and trailing off. Ridiculous. I almost wish he'd have said it, "I'm let down by you." That would feel liberating.
I haven't seen Ben in almost a month. I've spent so much time hiding it and being embarassed by it. Telling myself I'm wrong, it's wrong. But it's not, and I miss him. I'm not over it, and it still hurts. And I'm still confused about everything, and I miss him and I miss what used to be. I just feel like crying all the time when I think about Rachael and Jennifer and Ben and Chris and Hannah and what I thought was a hard time in my life, but it was nothing at all.
About a year ago from now I woke up 101 pounds, and I cried because I felt gigantic.
I can't believe anything anymore. I can't trust how I feel right now. Look at what's happened. I dare you to look at it and smile.
Self worth. How much do I mean to me? How much do I mean to other people...? Am I worth sticking around for? Am I good enough to try for? Do I mkae me happy? Can I make someone else want to live? Can I make myself want to live?
Am I second best?
Am I the safety mat? Am I too nice? Am I too mean?
Am I ugly? Am I good enough? Am I good enough?
Tomorrow hurts my head.
I don't know if any of my friends have the patience...I don't know if I'm good enough to stick around for. Like I have to send out reminders...like I'm trying too hard and not doing enough. Not enough.
My family really needs a miracle right now. We're so in debt, it's ridiculous. We have a tank of gas and when that's gone I don't know...I have about fifteen dollars. I gave my mom my paycheck so that we wouldn't be in the red anymore in one of her bank accounts. In the shop bank account we're still in the red.
When I think about money problems I feel so out of control. I want to do drastic things.
I want to be back in control without handouts or anymore loans. I have dangerous ways of "taking control". So I stay in this limbo in between loss of control and helplessness.
I don't want anyone to know what I think about myself when I look in the mirror.
I don't want anyone to know what is always screaming in my mind, and I don't want anyone to know about money stuff. It's embarassing. Pity is embarassing. I'm embarassed of myself, everything about me.
I'm embarassed that I'm so upset and stiff and hurt right now. I hate people right now. I just hate the way things are working out. I miss all my friends who leave me. And I feel like things are beyond unfair right now.
I have these fantasies about getting back what's gone. I'd have to start all over. I'd have to miss out on a lot to gain back what's been gone. There's no even trade off here.
I want to cover myself in tattoos or clothing and close my eyes and feel beautiful.
I want to feel security. But my mom says security is purely fictional.
I saw my good friend Jason a few days ago, and I spent the night at his grandma's house. We stayed up half the night talking about everything. We discussed how much we missed the innocence that it felt like we used to have. He said he was happy though because it felt like I was one of the few who hadn't really changed. When I got into bed that night I felt so relieved because it seems like he hasn't either. No matter where we're at in life we can both spend the day or night with each other and end up in exactly the same, comfortable place. I don't feel so nervous wondering what he's thinking, and I was not afraid that he would try anything on me. And he didn't. I ate so well when I was there.
To live in fear of yourself is no way to live. I sit here feeling physical pain because I am too afraid to do anything with myself. I am afraid of what happens when I eat something, what will happen and how will I feel.
When I go back to Arizona fifteen pounds heavier then when my family last saw me, I wonder what they will say. I am regretting their sighs of relief that I'm alive and I've "filled out". I remember getting off the plane and everyone's eyes going wide. I remember my aunt pulling my mom aside and whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear, asking if I was sick or something. I don't want to go back and see Kim, and see dad and see everything that doesn't have a place for me. I don't want to go because I feel like there's no room in my head for it. And there's not enough room in all of Pheonix for what I'll be taking over there with me.
My mom is closing the shop. She's been crying and cursing and ranting all day about money problems. I really hate money. I really hate this.
I went to Ashley's and we went on a walk around midnight. It was dark and we went to the park and sat on the playground's slide. She said, "You know, you're the first person I've taken with me." I kept praying that she would never go out alone at night by herself again, but I know that she will. I'm getting the feeling lately that everyone I care about will keep doing harmful or risky things to themselves no matter how much I pray or cry over it. That makes me want to stay in bed most of the time.
But I have this feeling that any second now something is going to let up. I've been walking around holding my breath. Waiting for the camera crew or the check.
Truth be told I've been spending most of my time in bed. I don't want to ever trust anyone again after what she did, I don't want to talk to people because I'm constantly viewing them in the perspective of what kind of damage they could possibly due to me lately.
And if we're telling secrets here, I don't want to go to college. I don't want to get a job or make money. I want to live somewhere else and do whatever I want. I want to live in my dreams where sometimes things are scary or disturbing, but I know whatever gets dished out at me is just my own thoughts in my mind...and I can almost handle that. But everything else is just so overwhelming.
I did really well on my practice GED thing and the pressure is so on now. The pressure to be really awesome at life and to do great things so that I'm not a failure, so that I don't ever regret my choice.
After what she did to me I can't stand to even look at food today or yesterday or tomorrow. I can't stand to look at myself or to smile. To be honest, I just hope that I don't wake up.
Oh, and I'm in love.
