I went to visit and stay the weekend with him, and for the most part I had a really good time.
We only ended up going to one show, and it was outside...so the huge group of people part somehow wasn't so hard to handle outside with more space to move around. I didn't feel so boxed in.
He treated me really nicely and I got along really well with all of his friends. Really well.
Before we left for the show, the first night I was there, Vicki said something about him and the really small girl dating.
Needless to say that made me feel like I'd just been gutted like a fish.
I had come there to spend the weekend at his place and I felt so stupid. I kept thinking, of course he chose her.
After that I guess I put a lot of space between him and myself as a protection and coping mechanism. I felt so hurt and ugly, not to mention I was in pain from having started my period.
I had just met this huge group of people who I didn't know at all. The only other person I knew there slightly well was Nick. So I ended up hanging out near him a lot of that night. It felt like he was the only person who wouldn't hurt me.
I kept thinking that if I held S's hand or cuddled up with him at the show it was only going to hurt me. If he really was dating that girl, if he really was just using me then I didn't want to be affectionate and get even more attatched. Because I really love him, and I didn't want to make it worse, harder to make myself let go.

I got to meet the girl again. She loves me. It turns out we have a lot in common, to the point where it's creepy. I can tell from hearing her talk she had/has an eating disorder. She even said that even though she's ninteen she's finally starting to get her period again because it had gone away for a few years because of "eating and stress issues".
The whole night she talked to me, hugged me, took pictures with me. She was really friendly, and she kept saying, "I like you!" and that she wanted to be friends. She asked for my number and invited me to a party at her house and told me that she wished I lived closer...that she wanted me to spend the night. She even told him to get me to come over every weekend so we could all hang out more.
The whole thing was painful because I wanted to dislike her, but I couldn't. All I could think about, watching her, is that she is better than me in every way. Even nicer.
I tried to let it go.
He noticed how distant I was being, and I think it bothered him...hurt his feelings. I wasn't talking to him a lot, I was angry and hurt and insecure and hormonal.
I was supposed to come over there and hold hands and be close and have fun, and I didn't. I ruined it with my insecurity and my unwillingness to just talk to him about it, and tell him what my concerns were. I should have done that.

Anyway, Nick and he and I went back to his place. He offered to sleep on the couch, but I told him he didn't need to do that.
When we got into bed and turned out the lights, he held onto me really tightly. We went to sleep curled up against each other, and it was all I'd ever wanted, I think. Non-sexual...really loving. I didn't know what to do with it. I was really awkward, I think. I hope he didn't notice. We had the stuffed dog he gave me between us too. Suddenly all of my anger and hurt and everything just melted away...and we talked for a while and then we fell asleep.

He woke me up early in the morning so that we could go to his band practice. I actually really like his band's music. They're very good, and so is he. You can tell he's very passionate about drumming, and that he has a lot of fun doing it. A lot of drummers make funny faces when they drum, but he just smiles like a little kid at Christmas, it's great. 

I think that's my favorite version of him...when he's drumming. He looks a lot more innocent and kind. I want to just keep him like that, while he's doing what he loves. Keep him that way, in that feeling. 

We went home and I took a shower. According to him, that girl and I both use the same face wash and chapstick. We ordered pizza and watched the old x-men cartoons with Nick. It was really, really fun. Then we went to the movies, and then we went back to that girl's house and hung out with her. I was still being distant when she was around, so I ended up gravitating to Nick. 

S and that girl were cuddling and acting like a couple and my heart about burst. But I pretended like I didn't notice. And when she ran up to me to take a picture I smiled happily. I look at that picture now and wonder if anyone can tell how hurt I was in it when they look at my eyes. Probably not. 

We went home and got into bed silently. We didn't cuddle. But he grabbed my hand and we held hands under the pillows until we fell alseep. I think that was my favorite part of the whole visit...that night. Just holding hands and lying next to each other. 

The next day we watched another movie at his house. He had filled the fridge with Yoohoo for me and I kept wondering why he was acting so close with her if this weekend had been about me visiting him. But even though it hurt I didn't worry about it. I tried not to think about it and enjoy the moment. With him and Nick I spent so much time laughing and having fun that day. We just had a really good time. And for a few hours, I didn't have an eating disorder, I wasn't depressed, and I wasn't worried about how he felt about me or anything else. It was just us, and that was all that mattered. I want to bottle that feeling and breathe it twenty four-seven.

We said goodbye, he said I love you.
Nick drove me home.

I was still hurt and confused about that girl and his feelings, but I was also still buzzing from how much fun I had had. And how nicely he had treated me. He didn't even try to kiss me. I was still warm from holding his hand all night.
And I kept thinking about how he had said something to me about me being important to him. I was telling him that it was wrong how he made fun of some of the girls he talks to or goes out on a date with. And then I said that he probably did the same thing to me when I wasn't around and I was texting him too.
But he said, "No, because you're not just some girl I'm dating or trying to date. You're my friend and you're important, so you're different. I don't make fun of you like that."

And guess what? I believe him. 

Shortly after I got home though he sent me a text message that said, "This weekend didn't go how I had expected :("

I told him I felt the same, and asked him if it hand anything to do with something I'd done.

He told me, "Not really. It's just that you and Nick seemed like you were digging each other the whole time and you weren't really talking to me, so I didn't act affectionate with you or anything because I didn't want to get in your guys way."

I wanted to start crying and I was so angry, I said, "Wow...lol, um, no. I don't like Nick. I came there for you. And it seemed to me like you and (the girl) were digging each other and even dating, so I even though I didn't want to, I didn't act very affectionate either. "

He replied, "Damn, I was pretty sure it seemed like Nick was into you. The only reason why I was acting that way with (the girl) was because of the way you and Nick seemed like you guys liked each other. Which I wouldn't be angry if that were the case, I just don't want to be affectionate with you if so because I don't want to get in the way of my friend's interest." 

I was crying at this point and said, "Well, I came there for you. And I don't know about how Nick feels, but from the way he was talking on the way home, it sounds to me like he likes that other girl. And the only reason why didn't act affectionate like I wanted to was because I felt insecure and you were being affectionat with her. I like you and I didn't want to get more attatched and get hurt."

He said, "Well, my friends love you and you're awesome so I'm sure you'll be back here again. I guess it's a good thing we didn't get attatched either way."

I asked, "Why do you think it's a good thing we didn't get attatched, just curious?"

"The distance, it kills. And it just wouldn't be realistic for us to try anything with us so far away, it sucks." 

I said, "Yeah, I guess I agree. It's none of my buisiness, but are you and (the girl) dating? Sorry for the interrogation, but I'm curious."

"No, we're not."

"Okay, sorry haha. One more question, I promise. Do you like me?" 

"Are you kidding me? I pretty much like just about everything about you. I think you're awesome. And my friends like you too. You're way adorable, by the way. And just holding your hand before we slept, that was nice."

"Well, even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to, I had a good time this weekend. And I really like you."

"That's a good and bad thing then. Oh, and (the girl) told me she wants me to tell you to come over every weekend. And I wish you could too." 

And that's about where our conversation died out.
I don't know where we stand right now, I guess as good friends. That's how it should be.
The thing is that now I almost want more than that. I want to hold his hand and see him all the time. My heart was about to break there when I thought he was basically giving me a hint to leave him a lone for a second there.
I was really hurt and confused and angry at myself that night.

I don't really know how I feel right now.
It was silly to get so upset. But I'm feeling better.
And I don't know...

I don't know.

I didn't eat very well while I was there. So many triggers that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my emotional stuff.
I wish I were more "normal" about relationship stuff.
I don't know.

A lot more is going on besides silly boy stuff right now. But I'm tired of typing.
Good night.

Maybe I'm just pmsing.

I'm home and sad.
Very sad.

I'm leaving to spend the weekend at his place tomorrow.
I'm not getting any sleep which is a terrible idea. I'm going to be so tired. I keep thinking what if what if what if? about everything that could possibly go wrong.
And even though he's so excited and happy about it, I feel so unwelcome and like I don't fit in at all over there. I feel uncool. I'm not very fashionable or any of that, I don't know any of the bands that everyone knows about there that we're going to go see. I don't drink or do drugs. I'm young. I won't fit in at all.
I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack with all of the people. I wish that we'd just stay home and watch a movie. I'll probably be so tired all day.

I want to drop all of these inhibitions and just go have fun. Who cares? Who are these people anyway? Who the heck cares what they think? What makes them so cool? What is cool? He likes me, right? So I just need to be myself. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. Lesson learned early. 

I guess I probably won't post again till sometime Sunday or Monday.
I guess I'm doing okay eating wise.
My mom doest want me to go get my blood tested again because she thinks that I really need to be on vitamins and a meal plan again. She's concerned about my bruising and how sleepy I am all the time. I'm so sick of blood tests. I know I'm anemic. They tell me that every single time and I don't really care. I know that I'm sleeping too much and that I'm a shaky person and I know that I'm sleepy all the time. I get it. But I don't want to take any pills. I don't want it. I'm being so stubborn but I don't really care.
I feel like I'm making myself eat...I'm making myself keep it down, I'm taking away that little bit of control I felt I had and I don't want to be even more controlled right now. I can't handle that.
That's stupid, but that's how I feel. 

I'm so nervous right now. I'm really tired but I'm too nervous. 

In a few days this will all be in the past so whatever. 

I want to paint my room, and I have an idea for a project I want to do...I don't know.
I want to do something productive.
I can't handle crowds, I have no idea what I'm thinking.

 Crossing my fingers...

I applied for the community college here, and I have to take care of all that silly financial aid stuff soon and wait for them to approve me so I can do orientation.
I ended up just putting down that I wanted a bachelor's in fine arts because I really don't know what else to do.
I want to act, and I want to keep belly dancing. I would love to involve those in my career.

My mom told us that her and my dad are both doing really poorly financially right now, and so Audrey and I decided that this year we would just make each other gifts and not worry about presents. That stuff is overrated anyway. I am worried about how Peter will take that though. That kind of stuff is important to him...presents under the tree and a big dinner and all of that.
It's just a day.

I am going to Steven's this weekend, and I am so surprised my mom is okay with it. I don't think she is at all actually, but I think she's letting me to test the waters and because I've been moping around the house for the past few weeks and she wants to see me happy. I'm actually extremely nervous and have no idea if I'll have fun or fit in with any of his friends.
He seems so excited though, which I think is sweet...like he has all three days planned out, he even made like a schedule for us that he sent to me yesterday. Nick is going to be at his house all the time too, so I'm not worried about that at all. Even if we were alone I wouldn't be worried about him trying anything.
I'm not worried about that at all.

I'm worried about everything else. Eating situations. What I'm going to wear. Him seeing what I look like in the morning. Going to concerts with his friends. Not knowing anyone else. The fact that I'll be starting my period while I'm there.
All of that stuff is really stressing me out, but I just want to go and have fun and prove to myself that this could work.

On Friday night I went bowling with Ashley and Drew, and when I got there Steven and Nick were at the bowling alley too.
It turned out that he had set it up the whole time with Ashley for her to get me down there so he could surprise me.
He drove two hours just to surprise me there, and he gave me a yoohoo and bowled with us and everything...it was so unexpected and really kind.
Except in the middle of it the girl who is so tiny and cute and makes me feel so insecure showed up. She was just as pretty and extremely tiny in person. She was supposedly not feeling well but she didn't talk to me or smile or anything. That part was really awkward. But then her and Jodie left and we went to Walmart and walked around and that was really fun.

The only thing was that I felt so disgusting because I didn't know he was going to be there and I looked terrible. I hadn't washed my hair, I was wearing hardly any make-up, and I wasn't dressed very nice. But he still gave me all his attention and treated me well. And when he left he sent me a text message that said, "You're so adorable!! When I was waiting for you to get there I kept thinking of what I was going to say when I surprised you but your smile completely threw me off my groove"

Ashely said that she thought he was okay but that that girl being there really upset her since he had planned all of this for me. She also said that she wasn't trying to lecture me but our age difference was extremely obvious and made her uncomfortable for me. 

It's weird because I can see it...I can see that visually we look like we have an age gap, but I just don't notice it beyond that. I don't know if I forget or I don't think about it, but I never can tell or feel very affected by it. It just feels like I'm haning out with a friend, with someone I really, really care about. 

I wish that I were the only girl he liked. I know that I'm not. And I get that since we live so far away it's unreasonable for him to not go on dates and not be interested in other girls. We're not dating and we're not exclusive so there's nothing wrong with him seeing people and I'd even understand if he found a girlfriend. I guess it's just that hearing him say I love you to me and knowing that there are other girls is sometimes difficult. I want to go out on dates too...and flirt. But I have no confidence right now. I'm not interested in anyone else like that right now. I wish I could say "I love you" and go see other people too. But I just can't be like that, I can't love someone and see other people, it just isn't appealing and I guess I sort of resent him for that. He still goes out and has fun, and good for him. But I wish I did too. It makes me feel pathetic. 

I almost want both of us to get significant others so that we can both be friends and talk on the phone every once in a while without all this pressure. Don't get me wrong, to see him with a girlfriend would probably hurt a lot and leave me feeling jealous and upset initially. Because I love him. But I feel like then we could both be friends and stay in each others' lives when the attraction or excitement is gone or not as intense. Maybe?

I know he says he'd really like to kiss me even just once, but I'm going to tell him I don't want to.
I don't want to kiss anyone anymore like that. I haven't kissed anyone who I was in a relationship with where there was mutal love and exclusiveness with in a long, long time. I want to tell him that even though I badly want to kiss him too, I know that I don't want to be melded in with all the other girls he kisses and goes on dates once with right now. I want to kiss him and hold hands and all of that if we're in a relationship. Otherwise, I know that next week he'll be kissing another girl under the same circumstances. I don't want to be another girl. I want to be important this time or nothing.

This morning I woke up and 8 and went back to bed. I woke up again at 10 and lay awake for a while and for some reason Ben popped up in my head again. I'm definitely not over it. It was like I was frozen physically and my brain completely replayed everything that happened like a movie and it was very realistic and it bothered me a lot and I didn't want to get out of bed after that. I just felt like I had no energy because of it even though I had nine hours of sleep at that point. 

It was stupid and it really upset me. I took out his nametag and looked at it for a long time. Like that'll give me answers.
I need to just burn it.

I feel great right now! But I don't think it's a good thing...I'm not even going to lie...I may have abused some caffeine pills around six this morning. Still not sure why. Still not sure why I'm intentionally staying up even more past these twenty four hours I've been up. Not really sure how I feel.

Some stuff happened, pretty seemingly insignificant stuff. I don't know.
I'm going to have to write about this later when I get my thoughts sorted out.
It makes me really sad that I feel so optimistic right now, now that I'm not dealing with things on my own.
I feel really bad even though I didn't even do very badly....I still feel really guilty. BUT, it's almost been like a month or two so I really think that that's progress?
Or I'm lying to myself as usual. I think something's wrong.

False alarm on that last post.
I'm okay, I'll be okay.
I just feel really bad, but I don't give up.

Just not doing well.

I can't deal with this anymore. I'm sure anyone would know what I mean when I say I feel I can't do it anymore.
I've done so well and put up all really good fight. I've tried so hard and I feel like I can't even move anymore.
It just hurts too much mentally and physically.
I can't manage to eat anymore. I can't keep lying to myself and making excuses for people in my life. I can't keep picking myself back up like this. And I can't keep telling myself positive things everytime I get hurt. It hurts too much. It hurts too much and I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.
I'm tired of being thrown down, dusting myself off, and getting back up. It's too much this time and I just want to lie down. I don't want to stand up anymore.

I just don't feel like lying to myself anymore that it's okay. It's not okay.
I'm tired of force feeding myself. I'm tired of getting hurt so much and I feel like I have nothing to grab onto right now but this. I feel so hurt and afraid of myself and so angry. And I want to feel safe again. And I just want to make the hurting go away.
I have to have some relief.

I feel so empty and I just want to make myself disappear.


"Thirty licks with a belt; same old tricks on myself.
And I wonder: Does everyone else live this way?
A succession of tests, a triumphant success,
Each time, I'm still in-tact, at the end of the day.

It's no mystery: you should obviously go,
Before I break everything.
You’re always telling me that you're dying to know;
But you’re not really listening.

My personal demons can scheme with professional care...
Oh, god, they're after me
If I could shut them out just for a second,
I swear
I could stop this catastrophe.

Now all the demons are screaming, their wages aren't fair.
I've left a secret kept.
If I could shut them up just for a second, I swear
It’ll look like an accident."

My mom told me today that my grandmother (who has alzheimers) does not understand the English language anymore. When you talk to her or ask her questions, she just looks at you and she can't process what you're saying to her. She doesn't speak English anymore...she doesn't speak much of any language. According to my grandpa (who finally decided to contact us to tell us this), she speaks gibberish, her own language that sort of sounds like English but isn't.
The doctors aren't really sure what's going on or why this is happening. They're doing all sorts of tests, but she's basically finally losing the last bits of control she has over her mind and her body.
She can't control her bladder anymore, she forgot how or that she was even supposed to. She can't communicate.

I feel a lot of anger right now. And helplessness. I am still angry at her and at my grandfather for instilling the need to be thin in my head at such a young age. And now I feel guilty that this is happening to them. There are a lot of intense emotions I have right now. I think I do need another therapist. Just not having one anymore isn't working. I want Scott back though. But that wouldn't work. We'd have to start all over because I've kept a lot of things from him, more than I even knew...because I was keeping some things from myself, turns out.
I'd have too much to explain.

When I think about getting a therapist, I just get really tired. I get tired thinking about how I could possibly fill someone in on everything that has happened and everything that is still going on.

There are a lot of things that I want to talk to Ceslie about but I don't know how to put into words. It's very frustrating and it causes me to go back into my shell even more out of embarassment and frustration which causes her to become hurt and fed up with me herself. I'm worried about James. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I also want her to be able to read my mind and feel everything I'm feeling. I feel like I'm motioning silently at her, but we're both in different rooms and it's like a bad dream where you're trying to scream and you can't make any sounds. The more that I want to share with her and get reassurance from her, the worse of a friend I act. And then because of that she gets insecure and tries to hurt me to make me show some sort of emotion to her...which means that she says hurtful things like I do sometimes which pushes me away more. 

I can't believe it was a year ago that I met Brandon and Jacob. I'm getting sick of these one year anniverssaries, they make me feel so confused.I feel guilty all the time about what's happened with Brandon and it's the same thing with Ceslie...I think about it all the time, about what I want to say. And then when I think about it I just get so tired, physically tired thinking about all there is to say and I just want to crawl into bed. And I usually do. And then someone gets angry at me and I can never explain why I'm doing the things I do because I honestly don't know...so I don't say anything, and I come off as if I don't care. I really think that I need to talk to someone about this and ask why this happens. Is it just me being stubborn? Am I supposed to do something differently here? Is it all in my head and do I just need to suck it up and learn how to treat and communicate with human beings better? 

I'm afraid that this is going to start happening with him soon too. One day maybe we'll be like that...maybe in my trying to tell him that I love him and want him to say I'll end up pushing him away. 

Becky admitted to me yesterday that at one point in her life she went through some anorexic tendancies because of the weight she gained having Ben. I wanted to hug her and tell her about everything that I've had issues with, but it felt inappropriate at that moment...but I still want to. I still want to because I feel like maybe her and I could talk about it since she is a very healthy person now, maybe it wouldn't be so triggering like it sometimes is for me to talk to other girls who still have unhealthy habits they relapse into sometimes. Not saying that anyone is perfect, but I feel like maybe Becky would be neutral, safe ground for me to be on to talk about these things with. Plus, we both dance together so we have a healthy outlet to grow with each other through.

He told me that this girl (who I'm almost positive is sleeping over at his house right now) that really likes him, he told me that she weighs 95 pounds. She's really cute, and older, and apparently a good cuddler and very cool to hang out with. She makes me feel so insecure. I wanted to start crying when he told me that. I wanted to defend myself and say that I'm taller and that I exercise a lot so I have more muscle so of course I would weigh a little bit more. 

I shouldn't but I keep looking at her pictures and just thinking about how small and cute she is. I've never been a small person like that. I'm thin. But I've never been small boned or anything. I'm tall and lanky and boyish. I have big feet and long arms and legs and hands. Everythinga bouot her is tiny and adorable. Everything about her seems perfect and unattainable to me.

When he told me that I seriously considered just not eating again. I have already gained five pounds since the weather has been getting colder and I kept thinking about how if I got to 90 pounds...just back down to where I had been again than I would be okay.
I told my mom what was bothering me and she ordered pizza for me and told me to not worry about it haha. I don't know how healthy that is, but it did help a little. I'm feeling more logical now and I know that losing weight is not the solution. I need to start believing that I'm beautiful and that it doesn't matter how much I weigh.

After all, when he told me he had been saying it to make me feel better about gaining five pounds. Something like, "Weight doesn't matter, you don't look any different, you're still tiny and I mean, look at (that girls name)! You and her look the exact same size and she's 95 pounds...so weight doesn't have anything to do with it, you're fine." 

But all I heard when he said that was 95 pounds.

Ninety five pounds...
All the way through seventh to the beginning of tenth grade that was my ideal weight for myself, a goal that I did eventually reach at one point and still felt miserable about my appearance, mind you.
To hear him say that, to have that brought up and fixated back into my mind...it awakened a lot of things inside of me I thought were gone, but apparently they were just sleeping.

I've been very hard on myself recently. What I look like and how I eat and everything...everything feels so negative and everything makes me want to start crying. I feel very tired and hopeless lately.
I don't know how to fix it. In my mind I feel like if I weighed less and could fit into my old jeans again I would be so happy, so so happy. But I know, I know that even though it really feels like that is true, it's not. It can't be. It's not even logical.
But this has nothing to do with logic.
Oh, well. I guess I just keep on truckin. No slip ups so far. 

He wants me to spend next weekend with him at his place. I asked my mom about it...she's very weary about it and is thinking it over.
I told him that she was thinking about it and he said that it was happening either way. That if she said no he would come get me himself.
I can't tell if he was joking or not over the phone...he sounded serious but I could be wrong.
I'm afraid because he wants me to meet all his friends, he wants me to meet her, the tiny cute girl. He wants me to spend three days over there so we can check off our "to-do" list of things that we're supposed to do together.

He calls me his girlfriend and tells me he loves me. He tells me things about when he was little and about his day and how he's feeling. He says that he loves me.
I love him too. Very much. I love him so much that I want to cry or laugh with all the emotion that I have in my heart.
But I don't know if I want to meet his friends or sleep in his bed...if I do that, if I do that I feel like there's no going back. I'd be throwing all caution to the wind, I'd be letting go of my inhibitions and letting myself do what feels right. If that's what this is.
I'm afraid he'll think I'm ugly. I'm afraid he won't like me so up close like that.
I'm afraid that the only reason I'm so appealing is because it's so rare for us to see each other.

I don't know. Is that why he's appealing to me?
I don't think so.
I think he's appealing to me for a lot of different reasons.

I don't know why I feel so sad right now though...it's usually not this bad, but for some reason I feel like something bad is going to happen.
I'm still pretty sick, and it's very uncomfortable.

"We're half awake in a fake empire."

There is a lot going on right now.
And I'm still sick, so things all kind of feel like a hazy dream.

My feelings are really hurt right now. And I know he didn't mean to hurt them. Just like how those people at the dance didn't mean to hurt them. So I have all this anger and hurt that I can't direct at them because I know they didn't mean it. So guess who it gets directed towards? Me. 

Of course.

So what can I do with this...hm.
Well, I can get ready for the show in December (well, not right now, but when I get better) and put all that anger and frustration into determination to do my best. And I can go get my hair dyed again, since the pink and red are definitely starting to fade right now.
That would make me feel better, I think.

I don't know how to ask him if he thinks I'm beautiful no matter how much I weigh. Do I want to know? 

I feel really gross. I'm all congested and my throat really hurts.

I went to a thing at my old school tonight, and I saw a lot of old friends (a few of whom I hadn't seen for almost  a year).
I know that people are trying to be nice and to compliment you when they say the things that they said. Three people commented on my weight tonight. And I know they were being positive about it.
One of them said, "You look skinny, but a healthy skinny now, it's good!" and "You've filled out!"
I know that they are just making it known how relieved and happy for me they are. I know that.
Still...

Today at the doctor's I found out that yes I have gained weight. About five pounds since last time I weighed myself, which I think was about almost two months ago.
Now that I know I have it's less anxiety-ridden and more just there...like, the idea of it.
I wish that they didn't weigh you. I should have asked the nurse not to say it out loud because I didn't even look at the scale, I looked up at the ceiling and felt proud of myself for not peeking and then she said it out loud when I stepped off.