I'm so tired of being so negative all the time. A lot of hard things have happened the past two weeks, and I'm sick of it. I don't want to feel cynical and like I'm just making it by all the time, it's a waste of my time right now. I'm going to try to be more positive. You know, I was feeling so bad about myself today. I've been eating emotionally (a LOT) the past few days, and I was afraid of what was going to happen to me. In my mind I was like a balloon being blown up slowly, getting bigger and bigger by the hour. Unrealistic. I went to belly dance class tonight, with my shirt pulled and tucked up, showing my stomach. And while we were doing the moves I watched myself and saw the muscle under my stomach flexing with the movements and realized that that's what health is supposed to be. Me fueling my body to build muscle so that it can function correctly for me. It's very simple.

I went home and sat down and ate dinner instead of eating it on the run. I sat down and tried to have an anxiety free meal with protein and veggies and good food. Food that I like. I tried to tell myself with every bite, I'm taking care of you. I'm trying to imagine myself as the kitten we found outside. I'm taking care of you. I should want to take myself in from the storm and just...keep me healthy. 

 

We lost power last night when the tropical storm hit us, but that didn't last for too long, so I'm glad. But no ac did make it hard to sleep.
I can't think of anything else to say right now. A lot has been happening, but I don't feel like I have the energy or patience to go into it.
Everything is triggering, and I am eating all the time... I think to deal with my emotions. Something's gotta give.
I've been thinking about Kalvin a lot lately, he is on a lot of drugs now. I used to believe that if I tried hard enough and cared strongly enough, I could make anything happen. I could save people, him. Nobody wants to be saved anymore. I don't think so.  

I'm relieved that it looks like hurricane Ike won't be hitting us, although I feel bad for the people who it does hit.
This week has been the biggest head and heart ache ever. Not ever, just bad.
I was very happy to hear a lot of compliments from different people who saw the show these past two days. Apparently I need to teach a seminar on hands, because I have "very beautiful hands and hand gestures while dancing". I'll take that, though I never even thought about it. And I've heard from fellow dancers that, although she never said anything to me, Ilea has been going on and on about how proud she is of me, and that she's very happy that I took leadership when we were doing improv and that it's made her excited. That makes me very happy and gives me some hope in myself.
I have a problem where I feel as though my stomach gets physically bigger after eating certain foods, not just bloated, bigger. I don't know why I think so irrationally like that, but it's so hard to get out of my head. Just certain foods I don't want to touch because in my head I feel that they immediately put weight on me. I know this is crazy, I know. I don't get why I have such a huge fear about that.
Ashley and I discussed if when we think about it, deep down, if we can really see ourselves happy with someone, having kids and a family with someone. I thought about it long and hard...do I subconciously envision myself with someone eventually, permanantly? Do I see myself settling down? She said she doesn't know, she thinks so though, even if it is scary. I don't see it. I don't see myself doing that. I don't see myself enjoying that.
I need to get better at doing things, more dedicated. I've been walking around in a numb, dream state since the storm. It's time to come back down to earth unfortunately.
I need to prepare to teach. I need to start getting myself ready and in a school mindset. I need to think about a job, and driving more often. I need to start being a better friend, and learning how to not let myself sabbotage important things like relationships and life oppurtunities.
I was going through some old clothes, and out fell a little enclosed pack of four diet pills. I don't remember putting them there, but they pop up like that all the time. They must be hidden all over my room.
Despite everything, I've been a good girl and eating just fine.  

 

So I found out that I graduated today. I passed my GED, and I'm by myself in the bookstore right now. Turns out we might not get power until Tuesday, which feels like a very long time, considering I need to prepare to teach a belly dance class in less than a week or so.
My mom was so happy for me, about my GED. She keeps saying, "This is so big, this is so good! You're a highschool graduate! You're going to college!" It makes me embarassed because she sounds so relieved. She called a lot of people and told them, and she says in three months we're going to have a graduation party for me, which probably means we'll go out to eat or something. But I don't want to. Yesterday she talked to much about how yet again we don't have enough money to pay the bills or for gas. We have just enough to pay the taxes, and that's it. How can she even talk about celebrating right now? I don't think it's sunken into me yet because she keeps asking me what's wrong and why I'm not excited. I heard her call my dad to tell him, and I heard them arguing. He doesn't like it at all...he's ashamed.

Whatever.

Most of my friends are angry at me. I can't do anything right. It's probably because I don't answer phone calls, or maybe it's me not hanging out, maybe it's because when I'm down I'm no fun. It's too much to explain, and it makes me so tired. I just want to lie in bed all day honestly. And of course, I can't. I don't have a bed right now, no privacy here. But everyone takes me not being sociable personally. I don't understand how I manage to hurt so many people in the space of a few days by just being myself. Maybe people forget that I'm human, that I just have my moods and act distant sometimes because I feel so much self hatred I don't want to be around others sometimes. Maybe they care and I just don't know how to respond correctly to that. Maybe I just don't say or do the right things, especially when I feel so empty. I just never get it right for anyone. It's like everyone wants a piece of me...and if I don't say and do the right things, I'm a bad friend...and yet no one will tell me what I did wrong.

I ate dinner and sat here alone and started crying, pathetic. I guess it just came out because no one was around to see so I didn't feel so embarassed. I ran to the bathroom because I felt my food rising in my throat. But I didn't purge, I just clenched my fists and crying some more and felt like pulling my hair out or hurting myself so badly because it just felt like I needed some sort of releif that wasn't coming. I wouldn't let myself do any of it. I just sat on the disgusting floor and cried, and I felt so insignificant in this place. In this building that's just a dot on the map. Half a dot. But I had to prove to myself that I had some control over it, I didn't have to purge if I didn't want to. And I didn't. Hardest thing I've ever done.  

I graduated.

And we found a kitten outside, and gave it something to eat and it's exploring the shop right now. Animals never fail to amaze me. They're so smart and set on living and experiencing, they don't second guess themselves.

I have too much pride to apologize to people I should be apologizing to right now. I don't even know what I did. But I know that almost everyone is angry at me. Does that make me stupid? I feel like everyone knows what's going on with me except for me. I feel out of control and lonely.

I haven't heard from Jason either.

I told Steven about Markus. He just basically asked me a lot of questions about how I felt and what I want in life. He asked me if I'm really over any of that stuff. I didn't have an answer for any of it. He wants to see me, and I feel so much like he wouldn't like me in person. I'm not afraid about him trying to take advantage of me, and I'm not worried about him being rude or mean to me. He said, "I want to know your whole life story... I want to know everything about you." And what is there to say? No, you don't. You wouldn't care about me if you did. There are only about three people who I think know a lot about me, and they hate me now because I'm depersonalized and drop away from people when they get too close because it scares me.

I'm afraid that if someone likes me it's going to be terrible and painful and full of hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore people. I screw up so much, and I don't apologize very much. I'm full of false pride and self hatred and it ruins a lot of relationships.

 

Spending another night at the bookstore, could be much worse though. I really appreciate the comments and support, it helps a lot and gives me better perspective on things. I hope everyone else is doing all right. I've basically been forced to live off of french fries and soda for the past three days, and it's made me feel so angry. I have a lot of misguided anger at others and myself right now. It's made me not want to have much contact with the world, and I think a few of my friends have taken it personally. Of course, I know they'd prefer it if I just told them about these things. But that's the complicated part. It feels almost physically painful to speak about things like how upset I've been about my body and my eating these past few days. It's embarassing to me because I feel like I should be beyond that right now...and because I know what they'll say "you're beautiful" "you're wrong to think that" "nothing but french fries isn't going to make you gain weight, and you'd look fine if you did gain weight". I get it. I know. But it's so frustrating to hear, basically I feel like there's nothing anyone can say right now. Which is why I don't bother to bring it up to them because it embarasses me and makes me feel like there's no point. There's nothing anyone can say, it's something I have to believe myself.

 

So we and our house made it through the hurricane just fine. We're still without power, so I'm on the laptop at the shop posting this. I don't know when we'll get power back, so I figured I'd make a quick post while I can. It's raining very badly over here right now. The shop did flood partially, and our fence was broken in a few places by fallen branches (our backyard is littered with them), but it wasn't bad at all. No ac was probably the worst part of it. The lights are flickering while I write this, I really hope the shop keeps it power, or I swear I'll lose my mind. We don't have a generator or anything. Stupid.

My self esteem is terrible right now. I haven't had any choice in what I eat or how healthy it is, since my choices have been limited greatly with no power and nothing open. I'm frustrated with myself and my family right now, I feel like I need to get out of here now more than ever.

I'm angry that my dad still hasn't called. I wasn't surprised earlier, but now I am. Don't know what's changed really. If he called, I probably wouldn't want to talk to him.
Ceslie's dad did come over and help saw down all the big branches in our yard and stuff. That's really cool.
My body image sucks, I haven't been able to really take care of myself like I want to with no power and stuff. I'm just avoiding mirrors at all.
For some reason I'm so angry right now. But I have to cut this short. I should really stop complaining, we're fine, our house is fine. Everything's fine.

 

Getting ready for the hurricane over here, but now there really is nothing left to do but wait around. I'm going to miss having no power, but I have a few good books to read and stuff, so I'll be fine, I guess. I'm not looking forward to my cell phone going dead or the cell tower going down or anything like that. I feel very attatched to my cell phone as of late.

We'll see.

So...the show was last night! It went great, Ilea is amazing and so inspiring to me. I can't help but feel like her and I did a lot of running around comforting people who were crying and freaking out. And even though she had a lot more going on with running the show and stuff, it made me respect her a million times more to see just a bit of what she has to deal with. I got offers last night to teach too, and a very nice compliment about my usage of facial expressions and my eyes when I dance. My confidence level has definitely been boosted. Of course, I'm such a perfectionist I feel like there are a million ways I could have done better last night. I'm trying to ignore those thoughts for now and just soak in the pride. There'll be time for criticism later, I'm sure. 

My mom keeps going on and on about how it upsets her that my dad hasn't called to check up on us at all, especially with the storm and everything. I am not surprised one bit. I'm not angry, and I don't understand why things like that still hurt and shock her. Maybe I should be jealous...?

I told Steven about Ben last night, I didn't go into the little details or even too much about how I felt about it, how I still feel about it. I was positive that was going to be what scared him away, that would do it. Surprisingly, he just have me some advice and is still talking to me just as much...just not so flirtatiously anymore. Maybe he feels like I'm not over Ben and like he doesn't want to get involved with that. I wouldn't blame him. That's my whole point about not needing a relationship right now, I wouldn't know how to handle one. 

I don't know if this will be my last post in a while because of the hurricane, but if so, then I hope everyone takes good care of themselves while I'm gone.

As far as eating goes: my appetite came rushing back to me as soon as the show was over. Haha. And I'm trying to deserpately to keeping a balance between starving and binging. I think I might be doing okay. 

 

A lot of stress going on from every direction over here. I'm having a major loss of appetite this week. I finished up everything with my GED though! All that's left is to sit and wait for the results. I'm not even going to lie, not passing is definitely not an option for me right now. I don't know what I would do if I don't pass...

Spencer is being a lot nicer these past few days, I guess he's maybe trying to talk to his family as much as he can now that the wedding is getting closer. He even told my mom to say hi to me for him, which believe me is a big deal lately. It's a big deal for him to acknowledge my distance anymore. I've always meant to ask him why one day we suddenly just grew apart like that. 

So with the whole hurricane buisness going on over here I'm really glad that it seems like there will still be a big turn out for the show tomorrow. Wow, it's tomorrow. I don't feel ready, and I'm worried because the dress rehearsal didn't go so well. I think I saw at least four people cry backstage today, one of them being Becky who is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out...so that was upsetting. Camille cried because she eventually cracked under pressure. It was all very solemn which is just too bad. Hopefully (pleeeease) tomorrow will go great though. 

Um, let's see, my hair color has changed again to a very, very dark red with a purlple-ish hue highlighted in it. I'm really surprised with how well it came out, I'm feeling more confident now. I can't believe how much altering my appearence in little ways like that makes me happy. I don't understand it. 

Things are going pretty well though, I just can't wait for this week to be over. 

One thing that's upsetting me lately is Jason. He's been acting differently towards me lately, and I really, really don't like it and didn't expect it. 

 

I feel like there is too much of me sometimes. I feel too intrusive to the space around me...too much. Somehow this has to be backwards. Saying I'm too much (physically and mentally and spiritually) is counter productive. It's like saying someone is too alive. I feel foreign to myself though. Every time I look at myself I catch something new that I didn't notice before, something I didn't like.

So from now on when I look at myself, if I must look at myself and see something I don't like, I'm going to make myself find something about me I do like. I have a good, strong body. I just disgust myself sometimes at how selfish I am. I feel like there are two of me, and they both hate each other and have different view points that are completely opposite. 

I feel like I'm walking around in a dream these past few days. I feel nervous and paranoid all the time. 

I've always wanted to live by the beach, on the beach. Every Christmas we would make the six hour trip to California to see my grandparents, and we would spend almost every day at the beach because there are no beaches in Arizona. Don't get me wrong...I love the desert, actually. The colors are gorgeous, and I dare anyone to find sunsets prettier than the ones I've seen behind the mountains there. But the sea stole my heart a long time ago. I think it was the sea. Or the sand, or maybe the sound of the sea, the smell, or the feeling of the water. Maybe it was feeding seagulls and finding eels with Spencer when I was four. Maybe it was nine years later, still very in love, bringing chinese food out in the sand, and playing tag in the shallow water with him while the other two watched.  I've finally realized I don't really care why I feel like I need to go back. I'm tired of spending all my time looking for answers to things. Answers just leave you feeling unsatisfied and empty. It's the questions that keep you searching and hopeful, I think.

When I was five years old I used to play with my babysitter's three year old daughter. I thought she was annoying, and I hated playing with her. One day she wouldn't stop crying about something, and I got upset. I made her lie on the ground and stacked pillows, toys, and stuffed animals on top of her until she stopped crying, or maybe it just got muffled out. I remember that I was trying to kill her. I wanted to see how long she could live without air. After what must have been about ten seconds I got scared and realized what I was doing and pushed the pillows and toys off of her. She was fine and just kept on crying, and got up and went to the kitchen for pretzels. I remember that now. 

I don't understand why I did that. It's not really a big deal, but I wonder why I did that. How can a child want to hurt someone like that?
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with my brother having abused me a year earlier, if I was acting out from that.
I know she doesn't remember, at least I hope not. She probably didn't know what the hell I was doing anyway. I feel like apologizing.
I'm glad I didn't do that ever again.

I don't know what to say anymore, I just feel sick and want to be out in the sun and in the sand.