I feel like there is too much of me sometimes. I feel too intrusive to the space around me...too much. Somehow this has to be backwards. Saying I'm too much (physically and mentally and spiritually) is counter productive. It's like saying someone is too alive. I feel foreign to myself though. Every time I look at myself I catch something new that I didn't notice before, something I didn't like.

So from now on when I look at myself, if I must look at myself and see something I don't like, I'm going to make myself find something about me I do like. I have a good, strong body. I just disgust myself sometimes at how selfish I am. I feel like there are two of me, and they both hate each other and have different view points that are completely opposite. 

I feel like I'm walking around in a dream these past few days. I feel nervous and paranoid all the time. 

I've always wanted to live by the beach, on the beach. Every Christmas we would make the six hour trip to California to see my grandparents, and we would spend almost every day at the beach because there are no beaches in Arizona. Don't get me wrong...I love the desert, actually. The colors are gorgeous, and I dare anyone to find sunsets prettier than the ones I've seen behind the mountains there. But the sea stole my heart a long time ago. I think it was the sea. Or the sand, or maybe the sound of the sea, the smell, or the feeling of the water. Maybe it was feeding seagulls and finding eels with Spencer when I was four. Maybe it was nine years later, still very in love, bringing chinese food out in the sand, and playing tag in the shallow water with him while the other two watched.  I've finally realized I don't really care why I feel like I need to go back. I'm tired of spending all my time looking for answers to things. Answers just leave you feeling unsatisfied and empty. It's the questions that keep you searching and hopeful, I think.

When I was five years old I used to play with my babysitter's three year old daughter. I thought she was annoying, and I hated playing with her. One day she wouldn't stop crying about something, and I got upset. I made her lie on the ground and stacked pillows, toys, and stuffed animals on top of her until she stopped crying, or maybe it just got muffled out. I remember that I was trying to kill her. I wanted to see how long she could live without air. After what must have been about ten seconds I got scared and realized what I was doing and pushed the pillows and toys off of her. She was fine and just kept on crying, and got up and went to the kitchen for pretzels. I remember that now. 

I don't understand why I did that. It's not really a big deal, but I wonder why I did that. How can a child want to hurt someone like that?
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with my brother having abused me a year earlier, if I was acting out from that.
I know she doesn't remember, at least I hope not. She probably didn't know what the hell I was doing anyway. I feel like apologizing.
I'm glad I didn't do that ever again.

I don't know what to say anymore, I just feel sick and want to be out in the sun and in the sand. 

I sent the letter. We're going to be friends.
I hope this works, I just don't want to get hurt, and I don't want to stop talking to someone I like talking to. I'm trying to compromise between what I want and doing to smart, healthy thing for myself.
I weighed myself. I don't know how I feel.

I'm so stressed out right now. And I'm a bad friend.
Oh, and I'm sick. I started my period, and everything seems normal there...we'll see. 

I am getting up the courage to send this to Steven:

Hey, you.

I don't know when you'll get this, but I figured it was way too long to try to fit into a text. Haha.
So I'm getting dangerously close to really liking you, and I feel so stupid and dramatic for saying this, but I'm not so sure I should be talking to you anymore. I promise I'm not trying to be like the good kind of girl for you that you were talking about, who would say "screw it" if she knew what you were like and wouldn't want to get involved with you. I'm just trying to for once in my life take care of myself. I would be a hypocrite for what I said about girls if I didn't learn from my own mistakes myself. I wish I were cool and that I could continue talking to you without getting more and more attatched, but I'm only human, and it doesn't look like my feelings are just going to stop because I want them to. I would love to be friends with you and hang out and stuff, but because you're so cool and sweet to me I can't see myself not falling for you and getting hurt. I can't see myself not wanting to kiss you or being able to just turn off my feelings anytime soon. 

And man, it's killing me to say all of this because I don't really want to stop talking to you. I know we're only texting, but I have feelings for you as silly as it sounds, and I can't just put myself in a position where I know I'll only get hurt, you know?  I've done this before, and I can see it happening again, and I don't deserve that. I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt me, and you and I both know you won't have trouble finding other girls to talk to lol. I just wanted you to know that I think you're great, I gave you my number for a reason...even if it got in the wrong hands on the first try. I also hope that you do find someone who you can be happy with...but not too soon. You're young and all that and you should have a good time while you can. I just don't want my feelings to get sacraficed in the process. If I weren't worried about that, believe me, I'd be over there right now with you. Haha. I know what it's like to feel like your mind is all screwed up, I had an eating disorder for almost six years. But I also know what it's like to overcome those things and to find happiness afterwards.
Wow, I'm starting to sound cheesy. But yeah, you're going to find her...and you'll still owe me twenty bucks, I don't care what you say. :)

I hope you're not all pissed off and stuff. And I also hope we don't just both stop talking either. That would suck. A lot. I'm just letting you know before hand how I feel about all this.
Cheesy, girl talk over.

Now go eat a poptart and be happy, you. 
:)

I re-pierced my nose.
I just found out yesterday that I will be teaching a belly dance class starting next week. I had no idea about this until now, so I'm so excited and so stressed out.
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I'm hoping that maybe it will bring up my self esteem a little. I'm very excited about a change in my appearance, no matter how small.
The show is a week from tomorrow. Wow.
Things are getting a little more serious between Steven and I in that we talk a lot now about more serious things and are getting along really well. We don't just flirt anymore, but we're not being sexual or anything either. I'm not sure how I feel or what I want anymore. I'm not sure what he wants either.
No caffeine or diet pills or weighing myself or restricting lately. I've been eating three meals a day.
My body image sucks, as always. But nothing new there, right?
In fact, I need some change.

"But I've had some time to hone my lying techniques."

I've had some time away from him.

I am trying to slowly ease back into the idea of having to see Ben around a lot, and having to try and go back to being friends again. Or pretending to be friends again. I don't see how he's capable of doing it, I don't see how his heart (or at least his head) can handle it, being around Kait and I both at the same time. I still can't imagine how I would ever be able to sleep at night like that. I guess that's one thing I should count myself thankful for. I still have a heart. But really, am I any better? I still play along with the show around her. And I still find somehow at the end of the day a way to sleep. Sometimes. Maybe not tonight.

Most days I wonder if there was really anything I could have ever done to stop him from crossing the line and treating me differently. I wonder if it was something I said, or wore, or did that suddenly made things speed up so much more in the direction of being physical out of nowhere. I wonder if it was going to happen regardless. I want to blame myself for everything. 

I've been trying so hard not to think about it or talk about it or stay in places where he might be. That's very hard to do in this town. I feel like as long as I'm here doing this, as long as every other week I'm playing this game back and forth, I'm never going to get over it.

I should have known not to talk to Steven or drag him into this, it's a big mistake. I guess I thought I was doing something so far from the truth that it would be liberating and so exciting that I would forget about everything negative. Now it's just another name on a list, another insecurity I didn't intend on having. I don't get into situations anticipating that they will end with my feeling insecure, it just happens a lot.

I send Tanner messages in response to his bulletins, asking "what's up?" "how are you?" "everything okay?", of course no response. I figured we left on pretty good terms. But who knows anymore. It was always a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs with me and him. 

Now that Scott is gone I have some really important questions for him, and I want his opinion. I want to ask him what he would do if I were his daughter, as stupid as it sounds. I like to pretend he's a father sitting up for me at home, comforting my mother when she was crying today, bringing home a check monthly that would keep us secure instead of so afraid about each upcoming day. I imagine him shaking his head at my clothing choices and asking me questions about the boys I talk to. And even if it would annoy me, I would secretly be so happy when he told me to stop talking to half of them, and that all I needed to focus on was my schoolwork and my dear old dad.
Instead, I dreampt of him dying during a session of ours. 
I don't think I need a dad, I just need perfect attention is what I need because I'm spoiled.

I ate a huge amount of food today, but I think it will be okay as long as I don't wake up bloated. That might be a little too much.
Either way I'll be fine. I think I just need to go to sleep.

"Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory

But we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Your tortured and hanging factory
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"

Today has not been the best day for eating. I am in a lot of pain right now. This week my stomach has been killing me. I don't know why but I hurt so much. I've had some problems with eating today, it's been a toughie for me. I had lunch (subway) and right now the thought of eating is making me feel physically sick.

 I'm really stressed out. Ben keeps texting me about how we need to hang out. Well...not hang out, about how we need to have sex. Thinking about his girlfriend makes me want to throw up, thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I just feel really physically terrible right now. Mentally I'm okay, I feel like things are looking up. But I just hurt all over right now.

So in my last post I said I was going to a play. I did and I had a great time, until afterwards. We went out to eat to celebrate (my mom and sister were main characters in the show) at the Wafflehouse since it was the only place open.

I hadn't had anything to eat all day, so I told myself, live a little, let yourself eat. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of raisin bran. I ate most of the sandwich, picked out the raisins from my cereal carefully and ate that, after I made sure the milk they gave me was skimmed.

I sat there while my family ate their huge meals and smiled and made small talk. I felt my stomach churn and could feel the food trying to come back up and I began to panic. I began to feel myself get bigger, the voice in my head was saying, "You fat pig, you have no self control." I told myself it was okay, I would look up the calories at home and exercise. But it was too late. I got up, went to the restroom and puked up my dinner.

I let myself breathe, washed my mouth out, steadied myself, and went back to the table, smiling and watched everyone finish eating, feeling smug like I had achieved something. I have failed. I know that this is no way to live, this is a selfish existance. I hate this, you know?

I went home and dry heaved for a few minutes unintentionally...it was like there was still something in my body and I began to panic that maybe I had still absorbed some of the calories even though I'd thrown up. I went to sleep exhausted. I said earlier yesterday that that day was a sucess, it was not. I want to try harder today, I need to live for my family. I know I have things to do, things to say...and I can't kill myself. But I am afraid that I already am.

Today I visited with my therapist, and we basically spent a lot of time focusing on my past. My past situations do have a lot to do with sex and violence and food...and drugs, but not the commonly known meaning of them. Drugs as in perscriptions, constant trips to the hospital and many, many pills. Just call me the little pill popper.

Anyway, I talked about the kids who harassed me in fifth grade in Texas, the fact that I was the only "blonde haired, blue eyed white girl" at school so therefore the girls alienated me out of jealousy and the boys teased and made sexual jokes constantly. I felt like an outcast. I distinctly remember looking at our class picture that was hung on a big paper cut out of an apple on the classroom wall and thinking, "I'm fat."

Weight, even before then was a huge issue and conversation topic in my family and day to day life, but though I had always been health concious, I'd never seen myself as fat. But starting that day I did. My mom was gone at work constantly and always stressed out from the big move and culture shock so I took on the role of mommy, even though I really didn't need to, my mom was great. I don't blame her for any of my problems, she always gave 115%, you know?

Anyway, I felt alienated, ugly, fat, stressed, and depressed. My therapist and I focused on that and the fact that suddenly I became very aware of my body at that age because of the sex jokes that were pointed at me, so we think that maybe I unconciously hated my body for the ridicule it brought up and that's why I began to diet with my friend Amanda, the girl I mentioned in my first post.

We went into some later things, how I lost weight and then went through three more moves after that. Then there was the naked picture situation. I'm starting to think that maybe I secretly hate myself because of my sexuality. And that's why I try to starve myself, because I don't want to be put under that kind of situation again. But I'm not explaining this well, am I? Long story short - I gave nude pictures to a guy I used to care deeply about. He betrayed me, they were given to his girlfriend, and then spread around school. Haha, how do I get myself into these situations?

We talked about how I blocked out all of my emotions in all of the above situations and used them to fuel my self hate and abuse. I'm not totally sure of this, but I'm willing to give it some thought. When I talk about my past I don't feel like it's me I'm talking about, like it's some other girl and I'm just an innocent bystander.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update. I'd say today was pretty successful, and I feel okay. Still very tired.
We talked about a lot today, but I still didn't mention the incident yesterday at the restaurant or the freakout, I'm pretty sure my mom told him though because she hinted at doing that.

And on a lighter note, I'm still not finished with the seventh Harry Potter book, I'm putting it off...savoring it, since it's the last one.

I guess that's all I have to talk about for today, I'm off to go see a play now, I'll talk to you guys later.

I am beginning to hate restaurants. Long story short, big freak out today over several bites of pasta I ordered. I ended up going home and puking up what I could of it anyway, I haven't eaten anything else today besides an apple in the early afternoon. I don't know what my problem is. I just pulled my mom over into the restroom and burst into tears and told her I couldn't do it, I could literally feel my stomach and thighs getting bigger and I said that I hated myself. She kept saying things like, "Amy, you have to eat, it's normal, you're human, your body needs food. And it's good food, you should be happy, honey." I understand that, I really do.

But my body and my mind don't really get it at all. I feel just terrible right now. I'm afraid I'll have gained tomorrow when I weigh myself, I'm too terrified to weigh myself right now, I did when I got home and I couldn't see a difference. But I'm scared, so scared. I feel very bad -physically and mentally. Spiritually, even.

Anyway, I realized on the long drive home today that I'm so tired of this. And that I really don't want to be doing this my whole life. This whole food and diet thing, it's getting so old. I just don't want to live like this anymore, I don't think I can. I think my body is barely pushing itself by. And I am too. I can barely handle this anymore.

I have an appoitment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early in the morning. Joy. I don't know what I will say, I don't know if I should bring this incident up.

I wonder, what will the old man do if I look him straight in the eye and say, "I cannot eat without hating myself, and I don't want to anymore." What will he say to that? Because I'm not fooling anyone with this "getting better" crap. I guess I'm bad at that too.

Ugh, I am so sorry for all of the negativity I hate posts like this but I had to get this out somewhere, I honestly can't stand myself right now.

I'm going to go take a bath and then pass out.