I am in love with him.

As for the rest of my relationships, I'm successfully sabbotaging all of them with my insecurity and commitment problems.

I have another big show to prepare for that's in Decmeber in Baton Rouge. I might even get to be in another four or five things for this one too because almost all the troupes I'm in are performing choreographies.

I've spent the past few days in my house, by myself, either crying or eating or doing both.

I keep trying to smile and be positive because I feel like if I put out good energy, good energy will come back to me. So I haven't been purging, no diet pills, no scale. Just some exercise.

Now that I've admitted to myself that I love him, I can get on with my life. I'm going to be independent and get so much done. I can also focus on being his friend since I don't have to obsess about the feelings I'm repressing anymore. I'm going to be doing so many things that when he leaves me I won't even notice, and I won't have time to think about it.

I miss maca. I miss belonging somewhere.
And there go the tears again.

I don't know how to explain it...but it's like where you're so sad that you can't stop smiling. You can't stop smiling, and your chest hurts so much.
Some songs just make my heart ache so much.

 

This song has gotten me through a lot, and lately it's on repeat for me.
Maybe it can help someone else.

I open my mouth
And words just fly out
And I cannot stop them
I try
But I am only so much
I would love to give up
You have picked me to the bone
You kick the leg you stand on
I am only so much
And nothing much is left of me
You take more, more, more,
Till I'm gone
Till I'm good to no one
I open my heart
You tear me apart
And I cannot stop you
You love to point out
Some stupid thing that I forgot to do
Like I should strive to be you
But I am only so much
I'm about to give up
You have picked me to the bone
You kick the leg you stand on
I am only so much
Less and less is left of me
You take more, more, more,
Till I'm gone
Till I'm good to no one
I am only so much
Only I protect me
Will that ever be enough?
...I open my eyes

 

My nerves are all on end today. I did my make up really nice and got dressed up in something cute and now I'm upset because I haven't been able to leave the house. I went outside and started to take a walk but everytime a car would pass I'd get so nervous that after about ten minutes I had to run back to my house and go inside.

I feel like my nice perfume and all my pep talks and everything went to waste today. I'm just going to wash it all off in an hour or two.
I was up all night last night listening to a song that I just kept putting on repeat.
I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop having replays of what happened with Ben going on over and over and over in my head. I was so embarassed and upset that everytime I'd close my eyes they'd just snap back open and I'd want to go run and hide because I was so bothered by my thoughts.

Is it selfish to feel alone when you're really, really not? Not only do I have three close friends that have let me know I can come to them for anything, that I can honestly say that I trust, but there are a lot of other people I have...accquaitances who want to hang out and talk with me too. But I just feel so lonely and I like I have to get out of here. I want to go back to the hotel room and hide in there.

I feel like this house is suffocating me and I have to get out, but I'm terrified to.

 

 

I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I didn't answer it and they didn't leave a voicemail.

I wonder if it was him, you know?

I don't know what to do, but the suspense is killing me.

 

Let's all try to have a good day. A great day today. Let's all try to just try.
I'll try to.  

I don't really know what to say. I'm just posting to get my mind off of things.

I'm really stressed out about money. Money problems are triggering to me, I've found.
I did a really good job as far as eating and caffeine pills go this weekend. But I haven't stopped worrying so much. The money.

Camille's check that we gave her bounced. I'm so embarassed and angry. The unresolved phone bill. Groceries. Everything is piling up on top of itself.
I need a different reality.

I went to Goodwill today and found some cool CDs. I shouldn't have bought them. But everyone at mechacon bought all this cool stuff and I didn't get myself anything, so I figured I'd buy some dollar cds, I mean why not? I need to lay off the worrying.
I'm going to make sure that when I get older my family never has to worry about money again. I swear right now that I will work myself to death if I have to to make sure that we never have money problems again for much longer. My mom has had enough to last herself a lifetime.

 

 

So I'm home from Mechacon. I had a great time, but not really because of the convention. Mostly because of my friends Skylar and Jennifer and how much we laughed and fell all over each other because we were happy and comfortable.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life just living in different hotel rooms. It makes me feel like nothing is real, there's something different when you're in a place like that, something so impersonal and laid back about it. You almost forget yourself.
I didn't have to see Ben at all. I only saw Kaitlin, Chris, and Jordan a few times.
I really missed last year depsite how much fun I had. I won't wallow in that at all though. This year was still better, in my opinion. Living off of vending machine food and sneaking around the hotel at all hours of the night. I feel like I need to do that more often, I need to learn how to give myself a break and breathe.

I did do something stupid. It's just that in when you're in a setting where you're letting go of all this stress you tend to be a little more uninhibited. I know that I'll feel like an idiot tomorrow after all the giddiness wears off. Around one in the morning yesterday, I was going to the lobby with Skylar and Jennifer to get change. The elevator in the middle is my favorite so I always wait for that one to open. When I did these two guys got out and motioned for me to get in, saying, "This one is free." I got in thinking that was kind of weird and I was suprised when after stepping out they followed me back in. They told me they'd been "riding the elevator" for the past hour or so, with the goal of meeting new people at every new floor. This sounded so genius to me. I mean, that's a great idea, I was really jealous because I don't think I have the guts to do that. I'd tell myself it was stupid and quit after a few minutes.

They asked me what floor I needed and I forgot so we started having a conversation, riding the elevator. I noticed they both had signs on their chests that said "free hugs". I rolled my eyes and asked them if they were doing the stupid skinny puppy thing that one of my friends has done before. One of them, he acted all offended and said that they figured some people just might actually need a hug and need a push in the right direction. I rolled my eyes again, and remembered the floor we needed.

When the doors opened the guy said, "Maybe you need a hug." I shook my head and stepped out saying, "I don't think so." 
"Well, if you change your mind, ride the elevator and come find us."

I made fun of them in my head and Jennifer and Skylar got the change. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I don't understand what it was, but for the first time ever I had this sensation of really being drawn to a person at first sight. My heart was pounding and I felt like laughing. After almost an hour I told Skylar and Jennifer I had to go, I had to go find them. I went to the lobby where the elevators are, but I knew it was way too late and no one really would ride the elevator for that long, not even those idiots.

I stood in front of the middle one and the doors opened. They were both standing there in disbelief in front of me and we all just started laughing. I got in and said, "I think I need a hug." To them it was probably stupid, and they were probably drunk. But when he hugged me I had to try so hard not to cry. I had no idea how much I wanted that. I'd been walking around all day hoping I wouldn't run into anyone who might hurt me, I've been so afraid of getting hurt lately that I wouldn't let myself be happy for fear of getting it taken away.

I felt happy. I feel so cheesy, but it made me so happy. I felt beautiful. 
We rode the elevator.  I got embarassed and got off on the next floor. The elevator guy said, "Thanks," when I got out but I just walked away as quickly as I could, I was so embarassed. I felt like an idiot for coming back. I felt like a clingy person, afraid they'd think I was easy or something.

I couldn't sleep last night. A few times I wondered if I went to the elevator if they'd be there. But I knew that that was it, there wasn't anymore after this. It's just a funny story.

My ride was there to pick me up. I ran upstairs to the dealer's room to grab my bags and he was there. I wanted to walk over and smile and say hi like we were friends. But I realized that we weren't. We aren't. He probably didn't even recognize me. We locked eyes and I turned around and walked away. A few seconds later I looked over my shoulder and was was looking at me. I'd like to think he did remember. I guess it doesn't matter.

When I went back to the lobby, I suddenly felt this burst of energy and realized that I had to do something or I might regret it. And I can't ever, ever regret anything.
I found a piece of paper in my purse and wrote on it: "Free hug" with my name and number on it. When I got back to the dealer's room he wasn't there. I saw some old friends there though and, while blushing, asked them to give it to him (they knew who I was talking about when I described him). They told me they would, and I haven't heard anything since. I don't know if I want to. Maybe I just want to leave it at that. A nice story with a nice ending.
No tears, no painful questions, no loss.
But sometimes those things make it worth it. Sometimes it makes you stronger, interesting, wise. Not alone with memories, but in the moment. In the moment I feel beautiful. I just don't want to wake up from the idea that it was realistic. Because it wasn't.

But I wish I hadn't ever gotten off of that elevator.

 

 

I'm going to be heading off to the gigantic nerdfest that is mechacon. I've been there for every one since it began about three years ago, and even though I'm not as into it anymore I'm mainly going to see my friends from maca who I don't get to see very much at all anymore.

There's an entry in this very blog about a year and a day ago from last mechacon. I remember because my dad was visiting here and I didn't eat anything all day at all except for an apple around midnight that he made me eat.

I've already had something to eat today, so I guess history will not be repeating itself. I feel happy and sad about that at the same time. Last year around this time I didn't have a lot of drama with friends or love life stuff going on, and I was thinking last night about how much easier last year was with problems for me than this year is because when I think back to last year I can't really put my finger on any real problems that I had.

But now I remember. I know why it seems like nothing was happening then or that I didn't have people who I had drama with back then or anything. It's because then I was so deep into my eating disorder I didn't care about anything. I didn't have anyone to have drama with because I didn't care about anything enough to have drama.

So this year I'm healthier, I care about a lot of things, and I have a lot of stuff going on in the personal life department with people.

Which year is worse?
I think they're both just different.

 

I got my nose pierced. I went to tribal belly dancing for the first time in two weeks today. It's too bad it's cancelled next week, I really need it some days.

I saw Scott today. He seems worried, leaning towards me and his eyebrows wrinkling up when I talk about how I feel about myself, about my brother, and about food and what control means to me. He shakes his head because I have left him speechless. We both go around in circles every session, me and him. I feel sorry for him because even when I'm willing to open up finally, he's baffled sometimes.