Ashley talked with me for a couple hours tuesday night. She told me about the first guy she was ever with, how she felt about it and how it is still affecting her to this day and probably always will. Hearing her speak about all these things made me come to some realizations...and it opened my eyes to things I'd put away in the back of my mind because they were too much to acknowledge before.

As she spoke and admitted some things out loud to herself, I felt like I was speaking through her and admitting to the same thing. She spoke about what he did and how she felt...physically and mentally. The need to scream or to move, but you can't move, you can't speak. It's like an out of body experience...it's like you saw the end before the beginning and you already knew it was coming. It's like everything goes hazy and there's a dead weight in your stomach and all you can do is watch, paralyzed in fear it feels like. It was there that I realized what happened and why it's been so hard to look at myself or others in a healthy life afterwards. I know what happened. I need to talk about it. I think I'm ready to talk about it. 

I don't know what to say here. I think it's because I've been up all night, but I'm feeling very emotional right now.
There are so many situations in my life that I don't know what to do about.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do about anything.
I don't know if it's a facade or a coping mechanism to act the way that I do, but it sure makes it hard to cope in the long run.
I feel very lonely, and that's my fault. I've pushed everyone away.

So Ilea asked us to be in the performance on the instructional dvd by Habibi Bizarre. I'm so excited to be a part of this. We shoot tomorrow.

Last night I spent some time crying over him leaving. He will soon. At first he had this elaborate plan to take me with him...and then he came back down to earth and admitted that realistically the way it's going to work out is that he will leave the state, and me with it in less than a year.
I said, "I want to know your life story."
He said, "You're my life story now."

I get so angry at the wonderful things he says because I want to believe them. I want to be able to fall asleep all warm and smiling, replaying the words in my head, not questioning it, without worries about the future, about how he will leave. How it's all lies, and about how much it will hurt.
But I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm going to feel this and let myself feel it so that later I don't regret not feeling it and enjoying it.

Already I want to change my hair. It's boring me. It's too routine already. I don't know. I wish I were always a blank slate physically that I could just take apart and constantly mess with, it would save me so much anxiety. It's so relaxing (at least at first) to change yourself physically.

My eating, I don't think I eat enough lately.
I don't want to list what I eat because that's just triggering and bad for everyone all around.
I just don't think it's enough and I can finally accept that my eating is linked with my sleeping.
For some reason I don't eat during the day, at night instead. I feel like this is an act of shame, and I'm afraid that I'm turning back into a closet eater. That frightens me so much...for my eating habits to get screwed up even a little. That feels so out of my control.

If it's not eating, it's something.
If it's something...it usually manifests itself through eating or eating habits.
Either way, it's always something.
Something's always keeping me awake.

I am finally starting to feel a little better physically.
I've been putting off explaining about my life right now because everytime I think about it I get a headache because there's too much to talk about. And I'm afraid of someone I know finding this blog. I'm afraid for people to know certain things. In order to keep sane, I've got to have a few things safe and secret to myself that I can die with. But aslo, in order to stay sane...there are some things I have to get out and let them be known. It's finding that balance that's the key to this.

We're having another show in Decemeber which is something positive to dedicate my time to and work hard on, so I'm very excited and grateful for that. Troupe Sorvada, Masquerade, Jungle Gumbo, Habibi Bizarre, and Audrey and I are probably all going to participate in it. Which means I get to be part of a LOT of the numbers, which is even more exciting to me.

Relationships.

Here's the deal. Or a very, very, very condensed version of it.

Ben and I have started talking a lot, and I can tell he is a very good and intelligent guy. Cool. Except when I talk to him I feel bad because he is genuinely friendly to me...and I feel like I use him to feel like I have one up on S. Like I use him to not feel lonely, to forget about S (or pretend that's even possible) because Ben is not very close to me and doesn't have feelings for me and so it's not complicated but I can still have a conversation with him and feel less dependent on S without getting to close to another person.

I don't like being dependent. 

Ces is still talking to Vaughn even though I can't stand him for hurting her even a little. I pretty much hate him. She told me she's staying with him until something better comes along. I hate that too. I can't help but disagree with the idea of settling for anything in life, I guess.
So I'm worried about her. I worry because usually when I talk to her she's almost always unhappy, and I feel helpless to help and so tired and worried. I feel like my words mean nothing, and that's there's nothing I could do for her when it comes down to it in the end.

Of course there's Brandon who has basically been a victim to my own personal issues. I basically ignored all form of contact from him for a few days before sending him some messages on myspace that probably did nothing but bring up more questions that I have no way to answer on his end. I don't understand what he sees here worth sticking around for. I don't understand why I feel so uneasy about the whole situation right now, despite logic, despite everything. I just continue to screw up. I feel this heavy, terrible weight of guilt all the time about that. But for some reason I don't, I don't want to, I won't change anything about it. He says he has feelings for me, and I'm doing all this terrible crap, and I can't even imagine what that makes a person feel like.

I've been thinking about Kalvin so much lately. Almost every day I think about him. S is so much like him, I've been noticing lately.
I love them both.
So many times S will call me and tell me he's coming to pick me up and take me with him, and that he loves me and to come be with him. So many times he calls me for advice or just to talk about other girls. He texts me while on dates with them...and I watch him shoot them down one by one. He always says that he loves me, and he doesn't. I don't think so.
He told me a few nights ago his ideal romantic life would be to have a wife who he loved and only cuddled, held hands with, and spent time with, but never had sex with...and to have other random girls who he'd sleep with that he didn't love. He says that to him sex and love have nothing to do with each other. He said he could be happy loving someone and being with one person his whole life like that way...not having sex with them, but with other people. 

I understand my place in his world much better now.

He is just like Kalvin. Kalvin never did anything sexual with me. He brought girls home and slept with them. He was always on the phone with random girls, telling them he loved them, planning dates with them, while I sat on the couch next to him. He would hold my hand or cuddle, that's it. He wanted both of the best things in life, he wanted to live two different lives through different people.

I understand what role I play in their lives. But at what cost?
For now I think I feel okay this way.
Of course S always tells me he wants me to be over there so that I can be his girlfriend and so that he can stop dating girls and just have me, but I don't know how true that is.
I want to believe it, my heart wants to believe it and just dive right into this happy feeling.

Everyone I've loved up until now I loved in a way where I wanted to take care of them, to fix them. I wanted to take care of Kalvin, make him happy. I wanted to protect everyone I've loved, I feel so protective and responsible for the ones I love.
S is the first person I've loved who I want to take care of me. I want him to protect me, and I want to be dependent on him. But at the same time I know I could never do that...loss of control, so frightening. But he's the first person that instead of feeling motherly towards...I feel small and safe.

I feel like any day now though, because we're also friends, he'll finally find a girl who meets up to his standards and is prettier and smarter, and he'll date her and drop his exciting, strong feelings for me and leave me to be a freind...if anything.

This is all really silly, but it keeps bouncing off the walls of my head all the time.
Already I want to delete this. It makes me feel so vulnerable to have all this up here. I'm so afraid someone will find it and I'll be humiliated and scare everyone away.
I don't know what to do. I feel like there's so much going on right now.

I don't even know where I'm at with eating. I'm eating. But am I really living?
I don't know. I've been trying to eat without thinking about it, just eat when I'm hungry and try not to think about it.
I still have such a hard time knowing when I'm hungry or not...the feeling is so foreign...so confusing. I spent such a long period of my life being emotionally and physically hungry that I just molded the two together as the same thing. So it's really hard to differenetiate these two and to tell what I need, emotional fulfillment or food.
And it feels like I'll always be hungry.

I woke up this moring with a horrible stomach ache and had to run to the bathroom to throw up and ended up staying there for a couple of miserable hours.

I've been lying around in bed all day because I feel to weak to do anything else. I tried to eat something an hour or two ago and it came back up. 

I just realized today how much I hate throwing up, and I hope I never actually make myself do it again. It's so hard on your body, and as my body has shown me today...it doesn't take kindly to barfing at all. I feel like I got hit by a car. 

I'm going back to bed. 

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I need some change, but I really doubt anyone will notice because it's not going to be a drastic change or anything...I just need some change in my physical appearance, and this was the healthiest, cheapest way I could think about doing that.

I feel like I'm trapped inside my own skin. 

Sometimes I wish that I knew exactly why I do all the things I do. Would it make any difference to know?
I'm not sure.

Having spent all weekend sitting at home eating is finally catching up to me. I'm having a panic attack. Bleh. 

I am in love with him.

As for the rest of my relationships, I'm successfully sabbotaging all of them with my insecurity and commitment problems.

I have another big show to prepare for that's in Decmeber in Baton Rouge. I might even get to be in another four or five things for this one too because almost all the troupes I'm in are performing choreographies.

I've spent the past few days in my house, by myself, either crying or eating or doing both.

I keep trying to smile and be positive because I feel like if I put out good energy, good energy will come back to me. So I haven't been purging, no diet pills, no scale. Just some exercise.

Now that I've admitted to myself that I love him, I can get on with my life. I'm going to be independent and get so much done. I can also focus on being his friend since I don't have to obsess about the feelings I'm repressing anymore. I'm going to be doing so many things that when he leaves me I won't even notice, and I won't have time to think about it.

I miss maca. I miss belonging somewhere.
And there go the tears again.

I don't know how to explain it...but it's like where you're so sad that you can't stop smiling. You can't stop smiling, and your chest hurts so much.
Some songs just make my heart ache so much.

This song has gotten me through a lot, and lately it's on repeat for me.
Maybe it can help someone else.

I open my mouth
And words just fly out
And I cannot stop them
I try
But I am only so much
I would love to give up
You have picked me to the bone
You kick the leg you stand on
I am only so much
And nothing much is left of me
You take more, more, more,
Till I'm gone
Till I'm good to no one
I open my heart
You tear me apart
And I cannot stop you
You love to point out
Some stupid thing that I forgot to do
Like I should strive to be you
But I am only so much
I'm about to give up
You have picked me to the bone
You kick the leg you stand on
I am only so much
Less and less is left of me
You take more, more, more,
Till I'm gone
Till I'm good to no one
I am only so much
Only I protect me
Will that ever be enough?
...I open my eyes