I'm having a really bad panic attack right now because ...well, I don't know why. No, I didn't make the cookies. I can't do it, I'm sorry, I can't. And no, I did not binge, I can't do that either. I don't really know what to do. I tried to kind of hint at my mom about how I'm having a breakdown right now but she didn't notice. See, I'm getting a little too good at playing it cool, it's getting harder and harder for people to even notice anything is wrong.

I had to get off the phone with a friend who right now I bet is all trying to 'evaluate' our conversation and probably feels victimized and like I don't care and whatever. Fine, I'd rather have her feel that way then think anything is wrong with me. I'd rather have her think I'm mad at her than that I just honestly don't care about anything but myself. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel anything. Doesn't anyone understand this? I DON'T feel anything but hunger and numb and nothing. Never, it's been this way for forever, I don't feel it.

Anyway, a lot of people in my life are playing victims and letting me take the fall. I know I whine a lot in this journal but that's because I'm always nice and polite and cheerful when I talk to other friends. I try to say the right thing and do the right thing, and I'm sorry, but I don't have any best friends. I don't have time for best friends. I don't have time for anything. I just have me and this ...thing. That's it, and yeah, duh, I hate it but what am I supposed to do?

I'm so damn hungry. There, I said it. I'm so so so so hungry. I want food and I want to feel passionate about something and I want to live. I'm starving for it.

My stomach has never hurt so bad...oh, God...I just don't know what to do. I really, really need someone to talk to but I really really don't want to talk to freaking anyone. Everyone makes me so angry. Everyone pisses me off, and I don't know why but I want everyone to leave me alone.

A little less than two years ago during a time like this...I would have been calling someone who used to be my closest friend. He always listened and it helped better than anyone else listening. He didn't evaluate or care or stay silent or hang on anything. And now he hates me. He won't talk to me, he won't do it. No matter how hard I try he won't talk to me. The more I see him the more I want to starve because I think about him and his friend who have both hurt me so much in their own way. And then I think about my other friends who all seem to have these terrible, terrible lives and never do something just because, it's always deep and the end of the world, just like it is with me. And I feel like I'm trapped and there's a huge wall and I want my friend back so bad. It makes me want to get worse when I see him now though instead of helping. Like I want to show him off for ever leaving me, abondoning me without any explanation. And I still have to see him every day and he won't even make eye contact, won't respond to a simple 'hi'.

Oh, God, I'm so upset. I haven't cried in so long and I think I might. I'm actually trying right now and it seems physically impossible which is scary but I feel like I can't cry, even alone right now when I always thought I could.

I'm so hungry, and I don't know what to do. I know this may be triggering, well...definitely triggering to a lot of girls but I really need to list what I've eaten today so I can calm down, so please don't read if it will trigger you.

Okay, sheesh. Two apples. Carrot sticks. Green beans. Gum. Diet Coke. Two saltine crackers.

Okay, Amy, this is not a lot! Get it through your thick head that this is NOT a lot of food and you are fine! 

I don't know what to do with myself, I want this all to stop, I want it to go away and I want someone to talk to.  

I found this recipe for low calorie cookies. See, I haven't had anything sweet in over a month besides like...sugar free gum. I figure I should let myself do this and eat the cookies without depriving myself and then cracking down and binging and doing something harmful and purging it back. And it's better to just get the cravings out of my system. So, taking my therapists advice, I'm going to make the recipe because it will give me something to do, something to calm me down and to let me think. And also, I eat something sweet that's not too bad for me.

I think I will be okay. Oh, God....please let this end up okay.

I'm crossing my fingers.

I don't know what I'm posting this blog for yet. I just feel like I need to. I have nothing to say. It's the same, today has been the same as all the other days that I don't remember. I don't remember what happened last week. I remember what I ate.

Today I woke up, avoided weighing myself, got dressed, took some diet pills, did some sit ups, and then scolded myself for doing that, thought of you guys and decided to eat today. Went to school and drank a diet coke. I got home about half an hour ago. I've had four carrots, an apple, and one saltine cracker. And now comes the inner conflict. In the sick part of my mind, this is good, and I've had a whole day's worth of food and I need to exercise, take more pills and not eat for the rest of the day, just like yesterday and the day before. To the part of me that likes life and likes the thought of being healthy, I'm debating about how to fit in a healthy dinner that will not make me freak out but will still have enough nutrients and calories in it for me to be alive and well.

And then there's the part of me that feels like she's not a part of me at all. Like she's someone else and she's been watching herself do all these things her whole life. She feels the pressure, the heat is on now officially. What choice will I make? Will I go to a close friend for support or get my "support" from some pro-ana site while I'm supposedly getting better.
She chose to post on this blog instead and realized she had nothing to say. I'm beginning to see a partern in my blog posts, they seem so tedious and annoying to read when I go through them. If that weren't me, I would strangle whoever was writing them out of frustration.
I have to wonder if people in my life feel like that about me.

Anyway, I've been listening to the song "Into Pieces" by Hungry Lucy right now for support because it's a neutral song to me. It doesn't make me sad or happy, it makes me think.

I look at all of my friends and I think I have things pretty well off. Most of them are thinner than me and yet I'm the one with eating problems. Or maybe they all have eating problems. I've always been ashamed to say anything because I don't want people to think I'm too fat for an eating disorder or that I'm looking for attention. It's the exact opposite actually...like, I really just want to disintergrate. Not die, just disappear and go away and have everyone forget me and me forget myself. I guess in a way I am trying to pull a disappearing at. And it's working, I'm losing everyone and everything.

This is something I could relate to extremely well. It was made by a girl I subscribe to on youtube, and I hope you find it just as helpful as I did.

I know it doesn't have any answers or anything, but I fould it helped me feel more determined towards living a healthy life that I can be proud of someday.

The whole "self hate" episode I was having this morning I guess is due to last night. We went out to eat, and I'd have to say I did good. I didn't refuse food, and I didn't order the greesiest thing on the menu either. I got the soup and salad deal and ate my side salad and my soup and I felt full and better.

But then we went to the supermarket and I had a little run in with some obsessive behaviors of mine. I think the insecurity after eating was what it might have branched off from. Anyway, I insisted we had to go to the bread section, spent at least an hour there, I swear, while I read the nutrition label of every package they had, ranting on about how they don't tell you everything because there's this conspiracy to make us fat or something. My mom was all worried and was trying to make me leave but then I saw the peanut butter and started going on about that, and read every brand I saw and compared them...I felt like I had to, just in case, for later, if I ever needed to know. It was very important.

The thing is, I could have stopped myself, I do have control over my own actions, so I feel bad for surrendering into that behavior. Went home and shoved slices and slices of toast with peanut butter and regular butter slathered on them. I just don't know what was happening last night, it was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten but I really wanted it, like a pregnant lady or something. Haha.

Anyway, I woke up and realized everything that had happened and I just...snapped. I feel really bad and really stupid, you know?

Anyway, yesterday still wasn't a failure, I did normally in a restaurant and i enjoyed it. I know if I can do that, I can do it again.

Venting ahead.  

I can't take it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I really hate myself right now. I can't stand myself, I can't take it. I can't go to any friends or family, I know what they will all say, they will all shake their heads in pity and tell me I'm crazy, tell me I'm being stupid, tell me that it's not true and it's just my warped view. But it's all I've ever seen, it's what I know, it's what I feel.

I feel so, so fat. I feel so disgusting. I can't stop putting myself down, beating myself up about it. I just can't stand myself, I really can't. I mean, I considered taking a knife to myself last night I was so angry. I'm just so infuriated with me. Every inch of me is just stinging with pain and hate. I hate myself, I hate myself. I don't know...I don't want to look like this. I feel disgusting.

Friends like to think that they understand this, they openly go on and on about how they hate themselves too. But they don't...they don't hate themselves. They let themselves eat and sleep, they let themselves read and relax and enjoy things. I can't , I won't, do any of those things and it's my fault. God, I can't stop going back on and on again to pro-ana sites and I just so badly wish for something to take me away so I don't have to do this anymore.

I have to go to school now, and I don't have today planned...I don't have it planned to be healthy or unhealthy or anything. I just don't want to think about it anymore. Oh, but I know I will, I will. I will obsess over it like I always do.

So today I packed a little baggie of about seven baby carrots for myself to snack on during my lunch period so that I would not get a case of dizziness or grumbling tummy and have at least something in my system.

I feel stupid because someone made a comment to me about, "well at least you're eating now." and it really got to me. I started worrying, jumping to conclusions, I suddenly felt as though everyone was watching me and talking about me eating and everyone thought I was giving in and pigging out. I know this is probably far from the truth, but my anxiety has a mind of its own sometimes.

I started thinking about how the carrots were 25 cals, and wondering if I walked up and down the hall and got a bathroom pass if I could burn it off. I took a sip of my diet coke and realized what a fool I was being. It was in that moment that I had the undying need to be normal. I wanted it so bad.

I saw my friends laughing and joking, and I joked along with them and acted like I was retarded...but my heart wasn't in it. I wonder, and am almost certain I am right, if I was the only one at the time calculating a plan on how to burn off the baby carrots I just ate. I wondered what it would be like to just...be laughing and joking and to really mean it. I wonder what a handful of baby carrots feels like when you enjoy it, when you have no idea how many calories you're eating and you don't care because it's just a handful of carrots.

I am about to go out to eat with my family. My mom said she wasn't going to invite me in the first place and said something like, "Are you going to even eat if you go?" I feel as though I have to, to prove it to myself. I am nervous but the memory of lunch today, I hope, will help me. I will be thinking of all of my fellow bloggers out there tonight. And I hope that I can enjoy my meal.

So yesterday, after my amazing "today is a new day" post, I began to consider abondoning my blog. I began to feel myself surrender willingly into my eating disorder, almost relieved, I wouldn't have to try anymore, I could get sicker and sicker and sicker and go away and never have any problems or responsiblities again. Other people could take care of me, and I could be in control of what went in and out of my body.

Instead of going with this thought, or pushing it away, I though, why? Why do I want to do this? Because it would be easy. Because it's so dissappointing to post blog after blog of 'I tried but oh well...'. Sometimes I feel so ashamed and get caught up in this limbo of not being a good enough anorexic, or not being a good enough recovering anorexic. It's so much easier to give up, give in, to stop trying because it's too hard.

I have to tell you now that I always try to make this blog inspirational, but it will also be real. I'm not going to always be in a good mood...a lot of times I turn to this blog for the moments that are so bad I have nowhere else to turn to. I won't always be doing great or on the road to recovery. But I will always try to shoot for it. Because if I give up this blog, I realize now, I'm not only giving up on you, I'm giving up on myself.

If I stop posting in here, if I stop trying to get better, it can only get worse. And yes, I won't have to take on the responsability of failure because I won't have tried. But then I will never know what it is like to succeed. If I do succeed at anorexia, I will die. If I succeed at health, I will live. It seems like a simple choice to make, but it's not.

I cannot point fingers at siblings, parenting, TV, chemicals, or therapists for this. This is me, and if this is about control, it's time I got some.

Today is a new day. Today I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Today I am me, and today I can feel or be whoever, whatever I want or need to be or feel. Today I am no longer tied down, today, everything that happened yesterday...happened yesterday. What will I do with this opportunity? What will you do with your day?

I wonder if I will limit myself, if I will not permit myself enough calories to feel and enjoy and experience like I wish I could. Will I get things done, free of inhibitions and food. Or will I limit myself, timidly aware of the scary things my human self wants, needs. Will I refuse myself my own humanity? Or will I live?

Today is a very important day. Today I am once again given the opputunity at a new life, a new existence. Today is a gift limited to only those as fortunate as I. Will I let the bad surpass the good, only drawing more terrible things to myself?

Or will I for once let myself feel and hunger and live? I'm the only person who is able to answer this question?

I want to be the girl whose presense dominates and influences the mood in a room. I want to be remembered as amazing - not withering and weak. I don't want to be a tragic icon. I want to be a respected, inspirational legend.

And what I become is all up to me, today.

I feel a lot better now that my mom got some food into me. At first I started having a panic attack, but I've calmed down and the two hundred cals have done me good. Mother is on a date now that I'm feeling better, and my little sister is in the family room watching TV.

I'm not sure if it was like a twenty four hour flu bug or that I hadn't eaten anything since almost two days ago. I guess I did have a bit of a relapse, which scares me because it was as if I was completely under my eating disorder's control again, I don't know...if I hadn't become so physically sick, I think I'd still be at it.

Anyway, the nausea is gone for now, I still feel extremely weak, my head hurts, but not as bad as it did earlier. I've goten a few more hours of sleep and some food in my belly: two apples, handful of baby carrots, saltine crackers, and a slice of toast...all stuff I thought my stomach could handle.

A lot of people are trying to get in touch with me right now, I feel bad but I just can't talk right now. It wouldn't be worth it, I'm like a breathing corpse, a zombie at this point.

I'm mad that I wasted my Saturday with this, but it's okay, I'll just try to do better. That's all I ever can do.