This past day has felt like a year of ups and downs and betters and relapses. Now I am home alone, missed school, my mom let me sleep in. She didn't even try to wake me up (don't blame her). I guess we're going to get an excuse from my therapist for school.

Let's see...yesterday I woke up exhausted, even though the night before I'd made sure to go to sleep very early. Realized I was out of diet pills. I still had a bottle of two other brands but I'd run out of my favorite brand, and I have this obsessive thing where I have to take them in order at certain times in certain ways and if I can't, it's all or nothing. So I figured I'd just skip them, go cold turkey, I didn't need them, right? Ugh.

Anyway, I was so unbelievably dizzy and tired all day, I have no idea how I did anything or walked, seriously I felt like I was dying. I can't describe it, and it also upset me because I hate feeling dependent...and yesterday just proved how much I am.

Went home, ate some apples and a bowl of cereal, panicked because I realized I had consumed 240 calories, ran around the house freaking out. We had to go clean out the bookstore yesterday which was just great, haha, spiderwebs and dead roaches everywhere, but I felt okay because I was being active and useful and that made me feel better about, you know, being a human being and eating. Then my friend's mom thought it would be nice to bring us some Chinese food. Which, it really was, but I could have died. So I sat there trying to avoid the food and yet eat something and appear to be cool with it so my friend would eat hers and be cool with it and my sister would too. Which is stupid because I am not responsible for them. Went to the bathroom, threw up just a mouthful but got scared/upset at myself/ depressed and stopped and went back out and did leg lifts and some sit-ups.

I mean, I shouldn't have freaked out, I had some steamed shrimp, white rice, and some brocilli. But it still just triggered all of this crap back up and I was so upset it felt like I couldn't breathe.

We went to the grocery store, I bought more diet pills, apples, and carrots. Then I smelt and saw the donuts and wanted them so bad. I spent like ten minutes reading the nutrition facts of all the bread, donuts, and cookies, and cakes that they had and then opted for not getting any. I felt like crying, my stomach hurt so bad, I was so angry for no reason at all.

I went home, ate an apple, told my mom I hated myself, collapsed into bed at 8:40 pm because I was so exhausted, I'm still exhausted. And I woke up alone at ten.

I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal but I honestly don't know what to do. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to get all that off my chest. I have an appoitment with my therapist today and I really don't want to talk about anything. I just want someone to give me medicine and say, there, it's better. I wish this were like the flu or something. A five year long flu...

"What am I doing here? What am I waiting for? Will somebody fall from heaven...and join me on the floor..."

I am listening to a song that has gotten me through a lot of stuff for years, and I have no idea why. "Sugarfalls" by Tapping the Vein.

I need to take out the trash in the bathroom, it smells disgusting in there. I puked my guts out in the trash can last night with the heater on so no one would hear. I did not ask my mom for help or for a way for me to get to a hospital or at least for some alternative to what I'm doing now because I didn't think I could go on last night. But I'm not asking her, her and my sister are really stressed out right now. Of course, we don't show it to other people because we never have, we're the family everyone wants to be a part of because we always look happy, loving, and laid back. We look it.

We are going to be extremely tight on money right now, and my mom is at her wit's end and feels like a failure as a mother. I cannot do that to my family. I cannot waste my parent's money on a trip to the hospital where I will be the fattest one. I cannot keep doing this. It would be different if I were really sick and dying and couldn't help it, but I can help it. All I have to do is stop, the easiest, most terribly hard thing to do in the world.

I have two different friends coming to me right now, wanting to know if I think they have an eating disorder. I know they're not...but it almost as if they're trying for one. Like they think it will make things easier, interestingly tragic, and that they'll get attention. It just screws everything up, can you be more stupid? Don't they see I can't handle this crap?! No, of course they don't because I act as if I can handle everything. I'm Amy, I have a good life, I'm smiling, I'm confident, and I'm going somewhere. So come to me with your problems because I'm perfect and have all the time in the world without any cares at all. That's the message I think I sometimes send out to friends.

Anyway, I feel I have to get better, if not for myself than for my family. I can't put them through this. I was honestly going to surrender and give up and check myself in somewhere last night but when I saw my mom she looked bad enough already. I looked at how little money we have and realized how incredibly selfish I am. My mom needs me to watch my sister, she needs me to help her with the shop, my sister needs me for a good example, for some kind of hope in her crappy life. Who's going to feed the dogs or make people laugh without me? But what's going to happen to me...? I have to get better, and I have to do it on my own.

Now, if you excuse me, I have some trash to take out before anyone notices the stench.

I'm depressed and suicidal at the moment. Just had a big purging session. I cannot trust myself to be alone, I cannot trust myself period. I think I'm going to talk to someone about hospitalization because to me it's either that or death and I don't think I want to die, I don't think I do, not really.

I just know I can't do this, I can't. I just want to give up and go away forever.

I'm going in to clean out the bookstore today and help my mom with setting junk up. I've had some tea and I'm about to eat an apple. Took my Prozac (4th bottle since initial perscription...woo hoo).

You know, this is the first blog I've ever kept and been viligant about updating. I've opened up and deleted and opened up and neglected so many livejournal and xanga accounts. The only other blog besides this one that I update reglularly on is my myspace blog, which is just a place I use to store poems I write. I'm not really composing for readers or anything. I guess I just feel safe in this one. Which is silly because for all I know everyone I know has acess to reading this. But ignorance is bliss and it's been great. I really appreciate this space to get out all the junk on my mind, I know sometimes it must be tedious to read, it is for me sometimes.

I've been talking to friends and fellow patients at the last hospital I was admitted into, we gave each other our contact info when I left and we've just been keeping in touch for the past year. Also, I have a friend online who I met through a support group. We both have relapse issues and it's easy and nice to talk to her.

I am ashamed to say it, but I am the pro-ana queen, or...I used to be. I swear, name any pro-ana site and not only will I know it, I will know it backwards and forwards, who runs it, and most likely have an account with it. It would take months to go through every pro-ana site I have bookmarked or saved on my computer's files. That's really sad, when I think about it. But I haven't gotten rid of them because they are my safety blanket, my security and I still visit them.

The thing is, a lot of people would go to me for help with losing weight and tips on how to fight off hunger pains and hide things from your parents. And I gladly informed them on how to successfully starve yourself to death like an idiot. I'm so ashamed of myself, I feel like I'm responsible for ruined...and even lost, lives.

I had friends online who suddenly disappeared, only later for me to find out they were dead. They were finally thin enough, the perfect anorexics, immortal and goal points for other girls to look up to. It sickens me and sometimes does cause me to get physically sick to even think about it. And yet, I still visit those sights. More like a lurker now though. I don't talk to other girls who seem so early into their diseases and so eager. I remember being eager and active on sites like that. I feel like a veteren in some sick way. Now I stay silent, no longer eager and upbeat about this lifestyle but solemn and bitter.

Somehow I feel like I need to do something to make up for the girls I feel I have personally corrupted. I know I haven't...but I can't help but think that I somehow ruined them by helping them. But I know if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, something else. I just hope they're okay and that they're happy and healthy and love themselves.

I don't know, I was just thinking about it. The internet is a terrible, sick, beautiful thing, isn't it? 

No comment on today. I know I didn't eat a normal amount of food, less than I ate yesterday. And I'm feeling down on myself...suprise suprise.

Anyway, Right now I'm having a hard time staying awake, not feeling well again. The thought of school starting up is making me relieved and also feeling scared. I'm scared because I'll have to be around people who I have to keep my guard up around, which is strenuous and I'm drained emotionally and spiritually right now, even a little physically I guess. I'm relieved because I get out of the house for eight hours, no choices to make about food, no pressure. I'm away from home and I'm forced to sit in a desk and work which I despise but there are less risks of me getting a panic attack there. Less hours to be at home and battle myself with.

This is not a permanant solution, school, I mean. It's really an escape from all the crap but I'm open to escapes at the moment.

I had a lot of feelings and things I wanted to talk about tonight but I'm just so exhausted I can't do it. My fingers keep hitting the wrong keys because I'm so out of focus. So yeah, tomorrow I'll have more engergy I guess.

One thing I'm worried about: my dependancy on diet pills has increased even more. I had eight today and that was one of my low days which is scary. Feels like I can't move or function without them. My nerves are terrible too. I'm getting obsessive about little things and paranoid and it's driving my mom up the wall. I had this episode in this department store the other day about time and only spending a certain amount of time down to the second in each section. I started pulling on my hair and kicking the wall when we ended up staying longer. I didn't even notice I was doing it until my mom told me to stop. I've been having breathing and coordination problems lately which is worrying me. I can't make a connection to any of my life style habbits that could cause that.

Anyway, yeah. I can hear my mom's car, she's just getting home so I'd better go. It's almost two a.m. She was on a date.

Later.

I'm really sorry...I lied. Last night didn't stop with 480 calories, and I didn't feel great. At first, I guess I did. I felt okay. But then it hit me how much I had eaten...480. It scared me and I panicked and I hurt myself a bit. As if that wasn't enough, I went and ate more...like two chewy bars and some saltine crackers with peanut butter on them. I started to choke because I was shoving stuff in my mouth, but I just kept on eating it thinking that I didn't care if I choked and died. I didn't care then because I already felt like I had nothing.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I refuse to weigh myself, although that's a lie, I probably will. The thing is, I don't feel safe right now. Not by myself and not with people around. I don't trust people or me, and I don't want to go back to the hospital, but things aren't getting better, are they?

I think that I'm waiting for myself to drop dead or faint in class or something, and then I think I'll be sick enough to finally turn myself in to people who will help. But I won't feel that way, that's not true. No matter what I do, I don't think I will ever let myself feel "sick enough", thin enough. My bad eating habbits have come in like a tidal wave, an avalanche, and I feel like a twig in their strong wake and I feel helpless. But I also feel the temptation to surrender.

I don't really know what to do right now but go along with the flow and keep on lying and keep on struggling. I don't know, I think that my mom is getting fed up with me. I'm almost positive I saw her researching eating disorder clinics online. She clicked out of the window so fast though I'm not certain.

I'm exhausted, but I just wanted to write real quick to say that tonight has to be the best night of my life...in months. Haha. Seriously, I just want to stay in this moment right now, it feels great. I had two apples and some popcorn in the theatre! And I came home, and you know what? I made myself some toast with butter on it because I wanted some. I have had 480 calories today and I'm not freaking out! I'm okay, I really am. I feel like things are going to be all right, they are.

I'm going to be okay, you guys.

I'm going to go shopping with my mother right now and after that she wants to get something to eat, she didn't ask me if I wanted to get anything, just that she would drop me off before she got food or something. Which hurts, but I think she's trying not to pressure me, which I guess is thoughtful of her.

After that we're going to go see Hairspray again...I really liked that movie, it made me feel like I'm okay in the body that I'm in momentarily, if only I could bottle that feeling and keep it with me always.

My mom and my little sister were talking about me today, about the restaurants I used to go to them with and what I used to eat and the things I used to enjoy. I hated how many times they said "used", like I'm dead now, like I don't exist anymore. I can understand how they would feel that way but you know what, I'm trying hard to be better.
I sort of remember the things and food I liked too, like when I was eight we would get pizza and I would eat it and put that shredded cheese on it and just enjoy it. It's fuzzy, but the memory is still there.

Anyway, I've had half of a veggie burger pattie on a slice of wheat bread and a diet coke today. It took a lot of self control to not throw up, and you know what, my stomach feels uneasy but I feel proud of myself. I didn't throw it up, and it's still inside my body and that's okay.

I'm going to pack my own snacks in the movie theatre in my bag, my mom bought me some low calorie popcorn packs and I'm bringing an apple and I'm going to freaking enjoy this because that's what movies are all about.

Turns out I didn't lose my period again that I had worked so hard to get back...it was just late and I was jumping to conclusions. Sorry for the details, but I was so happy to realize in the middle of Civics that I was bleeding. I wanted to announce it to the whole class "MY PMS IS HERE!!"

I know that the theory about anorectics is that they resent puberty and periods and transforming into a woman. But I LOVE my period. I embrace the terrible cramps I'm having right now, to me it's heaven. It's like initiation into being a normal woman. It's something natural and normal that my body is actually supposed to be doing. It's great, I feel like I've done something right in my life when I get my period.

This is interesting to me because I usually try so hard not to fit in in almost all aspects of my life, I mean I freaking hide my eating issues from people not because I don't want them to stop me but because I don't want them to know because I feel like it would be cliche and predictable to have an eating disorder! But I think somewhere deep inside the little girl in me wants to feel safe and like she belongs. And that's okay with me, for now.

I was just thinking about it...I say that getting my period makes me happy because it's something normal that my body is doing and it makes me feel safe. Well, it's normal and naturally for me to be hungry too...so why am I so terrified of it?

I promised myself I wouldn't get upset in this post. I'm getting sick of myself reading my blog, haha. I read it and feel like I'm reading the blog of an idiot. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that this is the first week that I won't be seeing my therapist. I was nervous because that would mean I'd have more crap to have to tell him about when I do see him next, also...I always feel like if I ever take anything too far, someone's out there who knows what kind of help I need. I don't trust him, not at all. But I do trust him to follow the rules, to keep my buisness private. And I trust him to shut up and be quiet when I'm talking. I also appreciate his patience with my dirty, loud mouth in our sessions.

I am not a rebellious, typical teenager in that I even pretend to act like no one understand or that grown ups = BAD. No, I find that pathectically dumb and predictable. I'm tired of all the little girls at my school and my friends who think it's great to broadcast to the world about their "eating disorders". Meanwhile I will keep trying for health, I will keep smiling, I will not be predictable, and I will do something with my life. That's my approach to all of this. I've decided to not bother with caring about them anymore. Isn't that cruel, I don't care about my friends. Well, I actually do, to some extent. But I don't let them affect me. They are people to talk to, they are people to cheer me up, they are people I trust more than others, and they are people who I would take a bullet for. But when they are pointing the guns at themselves I don't care.

I have myself and my own life threatening drama to worry about. I'm tired of that people who are actually TRYING for an eating disorder. I mean, come on, get over yourself and let it go. It's your decision but I'm tired of it. And I'll say what I very well please. I don't care if what I have to say is supposedly offensive. People all over the world have tried to be politically correct and unoffensive for too long and look where it's gotten us.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this becasuse my blog entries have been...weak as of late and I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not going anywhere.