So my weight has stayed the same since yesterday. Had an apple and some yogurt today, and tomorrow I go back to school. My throat hurts so badly, it hasn't stopped since yesterday morning. I think I'm going to try to organize a diet plan to stick to tomorrow and the rest of the week because it seems like I do better when I know what I'm going to have for the day.

So I've been putting off a lot of things. I've been wanting to make a list of reasons I dislike and like myself (kinda like pros and cons on a personal level) but the thought is frightening so I've avoided getting to it.

I just recently was watching the documentary "I'm a Child Anorexic" and I still think it's very good. It's been my third time watching it. But for some reason it is still so hard to relate to, I always hope it will help me, open my eyes. But I think only I can choose to do it.

My friend and I are supposed to go out together one weekend and hit up all the restaurants we love and order whatever we want and just enjoy and eat everything we've been terrified to. It's like a binge day together, only the rule is that there's no throwing up, no purging. Just support, I guess. It's not the healthiest idea but I want it so bad. It's more terrifying and thrilling then getting a tattoo or piercing or riding a roller coaster for me. The most terrifying thing is food.

Today I just kinda snapped, in a good way. Ate a lot, at least for me. And it wasn't like a binge, it was a healthy amount of food. At first my body welcomed it, I welcomed it. The food, the taking care of myself, it felt so right and I'll never forget that, how taken care of I felt.

I purged in the shower when I got home, my throat hurts so badly, like it feels raw. I don't know, but I want so bad to punish myself. I want to punish myself for eating. I want to punish myself for not eating. I want to punish myself for purging. I want to punish myself for not purging enough. I want to punish myself for wanting to punish myself.

Anyway, I feel calmer now. I can't stand to look at myself, but I feel calm and collected. I figure it could be worse. But I can't help but think how much better it could be. So much better.

I'm glad that I get to get away and do something, hopefully it will take my mind off things. I guess I have nothing else to say. You know the drill. I feel fat. I want to never eat again. I want to eat until I can't move. You know the story.

Well, I was really close. This seems to be routine for me, post something hopeful, and then post again a while later with bad news. I swear, I'm not trying to do that. Anyway, I purged a bit, but not until a few minutes ago so I held out for a long while and purged what I could. I would say I couldn't help it, but I could've. So, I just wanted to get that off my conscience.

Dr. Brillart asked me where I saw myself in the future. Did I see myself as healthy and better? There's the million dollar question. But...maybe that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where I see myself in the future. What matters is what I'm doing now because...that's what's going to affect tomorrow anyway, right? 

You know what? I don't think I want to be thin that much anymore. I'd much rather be happy. I used to think they were the same thing. They're probably not. Too bad I'll never let myself know.

But I feel good. I made cookies, we went out to eat today and I haven't thrown up or purged or anything. I go to see my specialist on Tuesday after labor day and I feel okay about that. I'll try to be honest. Right now I am 98 pounds, my bmi is 16.5 and I know that scientifically, logically, I am not fat. Right now, I feel like there is no one wider and more disgusting, but I haven't broken down. I'm just letting myself feel. I have not over eaten today, and I have not restricted. I've eaten normally and my body and mind and soul don't quite know how to take it. But they will get it eventually. I really hope so.

So anyway, I guess I'll just hang out with friends and keep my cool right now. I really need to do something right, please.

We went out to eat today at Chili's. My mom kept saying I didn't have to go if I didn't want to, she kept asking if I was even going to eat and I kept saying I was. I went and got their "lettuce wraps" (330 cals) and ate about half of that with my water. I sat there and took deep breaths and chewed my gum, and I felt like crap. And I hated myself at first. And I wanted to purge, and I did...a little. I threw up a mouthfull, spat it out, and stopped myself. I came home, and I haven't gained or anything and you know what, it's okay.

I think I'm so much closer to mastering the restaurant than I was even a week ago. It still seems pathetic, but I'm really doing a good job, I think. And, I resisted the urge to exercise. I still am but I'm going to go take a bath and read and just relax with some tea. Pheeeeeew.

I'm having some issues right now with fasting and eating at all period. Mentally, I feel extremely calm and just...good. But I know I must not be good mentally or I would be able to eat right now. I still haven't weighed myself, but seriously today...just walking around with my friend was so strenuous that I just kept having to tell myself, "don't faint, don't faint". It's almost as if I refuse to let myself be sick. Anyway, I feel no anxiety, at least not openly, about eating. It must be all subconcious right now or something because I feel pretty much...nothing.

Got this from http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/index.php

Hope the rest of you find it helpful in some way.

"I feel 'fat'"

First, we've said this many time before. "Fat" isn't a feeling. Sad, happy, angry, frustrated, annoyed, scared, confused, vulnerable, lonely, (in)validated, cheerful, surprised, pride; these are feelings.

When you say "I feel fat" what do you think you really are trying to say? When you say "I want to be thin" what do you think you are really looking for?

While looking in the mirror, on your worst day, how would you describe yourself -- the catch -- you cannot use the words fat or thin or overweight or skinny or any of their counterparts. You also cannot use the word ugly. In our little world we aren't seeing physical descriptions.

See yourself for who you are -- not what your physical appearance and/or size is, or what you think it is.

This is my response:

When I look in the mirror I see a girl who is vulnerable, out of control, scared, weak, and stupid. I feel alone, worthless, and cliche. When I go on diets and starve myself I am doing it because it makes me feel powerful, safe, like a winner, successful, confident, and in some way...happy. I never accept my body because I have never accepted myself, I hate what I look like because I feel that others will and so I put myself down beforehand. That's what I think.

so much better! I think it's because I did all my homework, I showered and got dressed, I've been cleaning and everything (except for me) is in order and well. My mom called and said that she got an appoitment with the specialist and we'll see what happens from there. Oh, and I had breakfast today: banana and cheerios. It's three thirty now and I don't know, but I'll try to do the right thing and eat. Oh, and I'm not weighing myself today, I refuse to. I don't need to add that kind of pressure while things feel okay.

I don't know, just thought I'd write and say that. I just finished "Stick Figure", the book about the eleven year old anorexic, it was very moving and got me thinking, a lot. I reccomend it.

Anyway, I'm out of things to say, so thought I'd post this video, very easy to relate to. I just love this chick.

Have a safe, healthy day, you guys!

This time my mom tried to wake me up, she sighed and said, "Amy, you know...at this rate that you're going in, you're going to be right back in the hospital in a few days." That didn't rouse me, I already had a feeling she would say that. That doesn't scare me right now, I'm afraid to stay alive, I'm afraid to try. I'm not afraid to die.

I'm going to go to school tomorrow though and take my tests and make up work so I can fall right back into the scheduale and hopefully no one will even notice I was gone.

"Skinny...and it will make you cry, skinny...and it will make you lie." - Filter - "Skinny" Love it.

Yesterday was very hard. I binged and purged. I binged some more, purged that up, but my mom caught me the second time. She didn't say anything, just walked out and pretended like nothing happened. I think she's sick of me, whatever, I am too.

I saw my therapist for the last time yesterday. He said he's sending to me a specialist and that I am beyond his help. My mom says it was big of him to say that. He said that he wished he didn't have to refer me to somone else...and that he would miss me, but I had a lot of work to do and he knew I would turn out to be a very interesting person. He said he regretted not being able to continue working with me because I am a very interesting case. He said I intrigue him. My mom signed some papers, he's calling an eating disorder specialist for me. He asked me what I thought about being hospitalized, I told him I didn't like the idea, he said to try working with the specialist, and see what goes from there.

I wanted to give him a hug goodbye because to be honest, I've never felt a bond with any of my therapists like I have with him. And it makes me hurt so badly inside because I feel like he's leaving me but I should be used to it, this will just make number eight of my therapists and I should just move on. I just feel like....it's so stupid to say this but I feel like he replaced my dad and I finally got a glimpse of what it was like to have a dad. And maybe...maybe I want that. But I don't need it so I'll get over it. God, I'm crying.

Anyway, farwell to you, Doctor. I really appreciate you. Thank you for not locking me up.