Can't seem to take even my own help.

These past four days of my life have been full of all the ups and downs and dramatics I could ever imagine. Not to mention emotions. I have swallowed and purged and indulged and avoided and restricted every emotion possible though food. And as always now that I'm done and I've run out of room and bullshit to use to hide from all of the pain, I am here and I'm alone and so surrounded by myself and everyone at the same time.

Friday night: Amazing. I spent time with some amazing people. I ate pizza and I laughed my skinny ass off and I didn't regret any of it. Jacob and Brandon...I can eat around them, I can forget myself and her and what she wants when I'm around them. Even if the food hurts my stomach because it's not used to it. It's going to have to get used to it.

Sunday night: Watched an awesome movie. My best friend falls into a hell hole of emotions that I can recognize in the blink of an eye. She was like a mirror image of myself when I got back from the hospital. Kicking, screaming, crying. Pushing it all to the limit. Silently shrieking for change and for nothingness....I know this. I have felt it. So I told her what I've always wanted to tell myself. And then we almost made love. And for a moment I could feel all of me. My fingertips and my toes and my tongue were all a part of me that I loved and could connect to...no longer foreign objects I had to learn to control. Mine. It was right. We stopped. But it was okay.

Monday: The hell hole is back. I feel myself being sucked into it. I have a date with a new guy who I am not interested in, but I need his attention. I need someone to want me so I can turn them down, I need someone to use me so I can play the victim. That is how shallow I can sometimes be. My friend is unresponsive to anything I say, depressed, an empty shell. And I know I did something wrong. She explodes at me later that night, takes it back almost immediately. But I know that those hurtful words were the most truthful things she's said to me in days. "Your act is blown". Maybe it is.

Today I miss school and talk to Markus, he's picking me up around six. I've eaten a bowl of cereal and I'm looking at the facade I've created. So perfect and beautiful. I have a job, a potential boyfriend, a life. I've got it all together.

It's funny how so many people are okay with playing the victims in life. Of course, it's easier sometimes because we're used to it. We're familliar with the feelings of despair, betrayal, and depression. But I hope someday that we'll all try to be the positive ones. The ones who smile when they feel despair. The ones who give because they have felt loss. And the people who learn to be happy because the world is full of so much sadness.

Even if now I am friendless, even if she doesn't believe I care, I know that I do care. I care so much now about myself, them, the world...everything. And no one can take that away from me.

I used to think taht getting out of this labrynth of worries and fears and self hatred would be the hardest part of working towards a normal life again. Now I realize that that's just the tip of the iceburg.

See, once you get out of all the darkness and break to the surface of what's "real", you look around like a newborn baby and you feel confused, weak, helpless. You look around and feel like a little Freshman experiencing her first day at a big campus. Once you get out of the warped mindset, you realize that overcoming the twisted frame of mind about yourself doesn't finish the batte. No...now you have to start over and recreate yourself. You have to learn how to use new coping skills, new ways of thinking, reacting, and feeling. It's scary and sometimes you'll need a hand to hold. That's my biggest problem - accepting help.

I was noticing my stomach...how I have a tummy again, today. There are mixed feelings there. I think that I look good with it, healthier, my clothes still fit and stuff. Some of them are even still too big. And then the other part of me feels ashamed, wants to get right back to fasting, wants to throw this all up. This poison. But it's not poison, it's what's keeping me alive. And I want to live, I've just got to figure out what to live for now.

Your post hit me like a lightning bolt. Sometimes I forget anyone is even reading my posts and I get so caught up in myself that I forget that I'm not the only one going through this. It makes me feel so...alive to be told that I'm recovering. I really needed to hear that from someone other than myself. And I'd have to say, with all my heart, that you're recovering too. Especially since you can say all of those wise things. Even through all the self hate and that confusion, there is one thing that is constant and worthwhile in front of us like a light, and that is life and recovery and living.

See, I had a bit of trouble after my last few days after my last post. I began to fall back into the purging cycle and I got very weak for a few days. I got caught up in this depression that was pulling me in, and soon all I could think about was what I failure I was. A failure at getting better, at being thin, at living, at being a good friend. I had belly dancing class last night and I went out for pizza with my best friend. And something in me sparked, a real thing called happiness that I haven't felt in a long, long time. Real happiness, that had nothing to do with a number on the scale of a skipped meal. That was a miracle. I had two slices of pizza. Two. And I didn't throw them up. I kept something down for the first time in three days, and I felt so much better. Not worse, like I had been telling myself I would if I let myself eat.

Anyway, the point of this is that it didn't end perfectly. I got really depressed in the middle of the night after waking up over a bad dream. It was a rough night, but I pulled through and here I am. And I got up this morning and read Through the Looking Glass's post and I feel so much better. SO thank you. And here's to today, and all of the days that will follow.

I am doing sooo much better, I think. I'm having an after school snack, and then I get to go to belly dancing! I keep hoping that if I do so many things that I never get a chance to stop and think about it and look at myself, then I'll never have time to panic about my weight, or the fact that my stomach is huge. The point is that I'm alive so I'm not going to let anything stop me.

Oh, I went to a party, like I said I was going to, and it was awesome. Amazing even. Because I drank normal soda (not diet) which tasted so strange and I was so proud of myself. And I ate cookies and chips and laughed and it was great.

I have this new goal that if I work really, really hard, someday I'm going to be an awesome person, and everyone will look at me and think, 'wow, she's really living her life', no more pity.

I started my period! It's come again, which means I'm still a little healthy! My mom bought a new scale and I'm kind of annoyed by that but I can't expect her to stop her life for mine, so yeah.

I've got to go to work in twenty minutes but I thought I'd post to let everyone know that I feel a lot better. And I think my meds are working because my head is clear and not so jumbled. It's easier to think now.

I'm going to a party tonight and I'll only know one person there which should be exciting because I get to meet new people. Oh, and I just decided something today: I like my breasts. I've always hated them and wanted implants and wanted them to be a different shape and color and what not. But I realized today, when I was looking at them, they're really not so bad. They're pretty nice looking.

Ceslie just visited and I'm breathless. Why is it that she's left me speechless and not so suave like I usually am. I always know what to say when I'm flirting with a guy, I always know what to do and I'm always calm. But my heart was pounding and I was excited. She just turned me on so much, just standing so close, I wanted to grab her and kiss her but I knew that I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I feel like I would be a bad person. What if I was just leading her on? Because I don't know how I feel. Just how I physically feel. And she's been hurt too much. But I think she wants it too, so why am I dragging this out so much?

Anyway, I'm at home doing homework, my mom gave me a break from work. Joy. I'll update later.

I missed school again. My new medicine has me on a roller coaster of emotion so far, but it's better than being numb. I feel like crying, but I haven't been able to cry for weeks, so I don't know how I could.

We had our first belly dance class of the year last night and it went really well. Huge outcome, looked like everyone was enjoying themselves.

I'm so sick of myself.

I don't really think there's anything wrong with me anymore except that I'm stupid. And stubborn.

Oh, and last night my mom was so happy for the first time in forever! I was so glad because she's usually either depressed or screaming and it's nice to see her happy. She went out and bought so much food last night around ten and said we had to celebrate so we all ate, and ate and ate. And I had this thought in my head that this was my last meal and that I was going to die after I ate so it was all right. And I woke up this morning and I'm alone and it's freezing and I'm tired and ashamed and fat. And of course my friends will give me crap about it that I probably deserve. I wish I could explain to them in a way that would leave them satisfied, but I don't know what's wrong...except that I'm stupid.

It just hurts so much and I don't know why. I was looking at my breasts last night and thinkiing about how they look like they're getting bigger. Which means I'm getting bigger and that terrifies me. I always thought I would get implants so I could wear a nice B cup when I'm older and still be thin. But what if I get that way already? What if I gain so much that I won't even recognize myself? And hell, would that be so bad? Maybe if I changed I wouldn't hate myself...but I have a feeling maybe I would regardless.

I don't know. I'm trying to prepare myself to be as happy as I can when my mom gets home. I'll be out working till like nine so I have no idea when I'll finish my science project...due tomorrow. I'm so stressed out and yeah, I don't know.

I missed school this morning. I don't really know what's wrong with me. But that's not very important in the first place...what's important is to know how to fix it. Or move on with it. Something.

Last night I couldn't sleep...thinking...who am I? Can I someday be a person worth loving, a person who has done something with their life? Can I just be a good person? See, I don't know. I guess the answer is...let's find out. But it's so easier said than done.

Everything seems bleak which is funny because I've been having a good past few days. I think I'm lonely. I know I'm lonely. Or maybe I just want a body against mine again.

I was watching my friend and her dad the other day. They picked me and my lil sis up from school so we didn't have to walk in the rain. That was really nice of them but I think it would have been nice to walk in the downpour anyway. I wish I had a dad like that. I guess I'm a sicko. But I fantacize about lying on the couch watching a movie with some middle aged guy, my friends dad...my male teachers...it's not sexual. I just want them to ask me how my day was, to hug me and ruffle my hair. I want a man to be worried about me, to want to take care of me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it makes me ashamed.

Anyway, I'm about to go to the doctor to check up on my meds and see if we need to change things around. They don't seem to be helping which makes me feel stupid, like I did something wrong. I just don't want to mess anything up anymore.

Wow...so I feel incredibly numb today. It's all a big nothing. Not good, not bad. Anyway, not much new, trying to get back in the loop of things. Catch up with school work and try to feel okay. So far I feel nothing at all, which I guess could be worse but it feels empty and lonely.

Man, I'm embarassed because I have nothing new to say. I don't know. Same old, same old. I ate a banana and a protein bar. So horray for me.

I've spent years fighting to discover the key to getting better, the secret cure to all of this. I realized last night that there is none. Not for me. See, I will always have an eating disorder, but I've got to not work on eliminating it...but I need to work on filling my life with things that I find more important than it. Belly dancing has literally saved my life, it's something I've found myself more commited to than my eating disorder. My friends, I'm slowly becoming more committed to them than my eating disorder. Acting. Roller coasters. The taste of Hot Chocolate. It's all coming back to me so slowly that it's tauntingly painful. I can taste life and it's just within my grasp. I feel like I'm being born again but only if I want to be. And some nights, I don't. Like last night, I wanted to die. But the point is that I didn't. And I had a banana and some cereal this morning and I'm about to go dance. I still have an eating disorder but it doesn't have me.