I just feel like bursting into tears right now but I can't stop smiling or acting like everything is fine. My body, and my heart just feel numb, nothing's coming...no emotions, no tears, nothing. I'm so tired of feeling like this. It's been like this for months, I can't feel. But I can - overwhelmingly. I don't know.

I just had so much to eat today, I just totally binged out of nowhere. I ate at Popeyes today so that my friend would eat. She would totally deny this, but if I hadn't ordered food, she wouldn't have. And because I ordered food and ate it, she did too. Which made me feel better, because more than anything I never want anyone to go through this...ever. This is eating me alive. And I didn't throw it up, I worked out a little when I got home, but not enough. I came home and my mom had bought my favorite doughnuts from my favorite bakery. And I had some of those. I don't want to throw up because last time I did I was bleeding from my mouth. I usually don't binge or purge because I restrict, and I'm fine with that. But today I just gave up.

 I don't want to not eat anything and be a skeleton, but the only other thing I know is to either eat nothing or eat everything and then throw it up and exercise. I am so sick right now, I feel disgusting and like I'm about to burst. I keep getting on and off the scale. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow if I get on and I've gained. I don't want to live this way. This is not worth it. I kept acting like everything was cool at the fastfood place, and after that...and the whole time I was screaming inside. I just want to die. I've actually been considering dying...but I can't do that. I'm not that weak, I don't want to die because I feel like I have stuff to do. But I can't keep living if it's going to be like this. This sounds so over-emotional but I feel so alone in this.

I feel miserable right now. I feel as if there is no end in sight to this, and I feel trapped and scared. I don't know what I want. I guess what I want is someone right now, someone to just not need to say a word or for me to explain anything, and for them to understand what I think and feel and do...and to just give me a hug. Because I don't even understand what's going on. I can honestly say I have never felt more alone then I do now.

No matter what's ever happened to me, or the people in my life that I've lost...I've always never been truly alone because I've always had myself. I've always taken care of me, I think, and calmed myself down and helped myself and known what to do to make it better. I don't have myself, I am not me. I don't know who me is now or who she was to begin with. I'm just Amy, the girl who wants, who needs to lose weight. The girl who is terrified of food, of telling the truth, and of people. But I want all of them so badly right now. I want to be normal and to be happy.

I feel like I hate myself, so how on earth will anyone ever be able to like me? Let alone love me...

I just realized how many things used to make me happy. How many things used to define me, and they don't anymore, I don't like them, I don't enjoy them. I have lost my favorite things and people to...myself and my problem and my obsession.

I used to love muffins. I used to love YooHoo. I used to love toast. And hot chocolate. I remember the taste of stuffed crust pizza. I remember Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper. REAL Dr. Pepper...not diet. I remember spinning around for fun without getting so dizzy I had to stop. I remember laughing and finding things funny. I remember having energy, not needing diet pills to be able to get up and walk around. I remember loving to read, I have no focus. I remember loving to cook and taste the food I made. I remember going out to eat with my family instead of staying home while they have fun. I remember getting to eat birthday cake on my own birthday. I remember feeling hungry, and eating because I was hungry. I remember how every once in a while I would feel pretty and confident. I remember loving wearing mini skirts. I remember being able to do things, being strong and athletic. I remember food. And I remember...just barely...living. I remember life.

I miss these things, sort of. They don't seem as fun anymore. Or worth it.
Nothing seems worth it. I don't seem worth it.