Packing up the shop and everything did not go so well for me today.
It made me really sad and just...brought back a lot of memories, good and bad.
I guess I really don't want to let go of or accept this year. But since the new year is coming closer and in no time it will have been three years since I started this blog, I think there's some accepting I really do need to start doing now before things catch up with me. So maybe I can step into tomorrow clean and as me, not my memories.
There is a song called "Bellyfull" that I really like for more reasons than one. I can relate.
I would like to tell Spencer about some things before he gets married, and not over the phone.
I'd like to tell him about everything.
I went back and read some of my very first posts in this blog and it was a hard experience for me. But it did help the growth that's occured sink in more.
I want to be a brand new person. I don't want anyone to forget about me.
I talked to Rachael on the phone earlier in the week and somehow it really hurt in a way. I'm happy for her but some things that have happened to her recently just made me realize a lot about myself and how much I've done differently from what she's done now. And it made me worried for her...knowing what it's like and stuff I want to protect her. But I have to remind myself that it doesn't have to be horrible for everyone and that she's not me. She's not me and she has to do things and learn things on her own. All I can do is be there for whatever, no matter what.

Thanksgiving day I got what felt like being physically ill and ended up throwing up some of my dinner. But I felt physically nauseated and stuff. But I'm not going to lie and say part of me wasn't relieved afterward. Later that night I ended up bingeing and sitting around miserable and confused about why all of that happened. I've been really careful about eating the past two days though, making sure I eat enough. And I have stared making myself take kid's vitamins, which still make my stomach hurt a little, but not as badly as the adult ones do.

I want to become a person that people can love, and a person who can love people back.
Really love them back.

 

I went and got my hair done today. It took almost four hours, but it was worth it. I don't know why it's so theraputic to me, but it is. Especially since this time I had to got through a lot of bleaching and processing to strip the color from my hair...somehow that whole process feels very cleansing and I love it, even if it does irritate my scalp. My hair is not damaged at all, hardly even dry, and it went through a lot of stuff today. My hairdresser was amazed and kept saying she hated me for having such good hair. I think my hair is the one thing about myself I am so proud of and like so much. Another girl that was in the shop commented, "You must be really healthy." and it really had an impact on me, what she said. I'm not sure whether it made me feel good or not yet, but it did make me think.

Anyway, it's platinum blonde now with two different shades of pink lowlights streaked through it. This was really important, I think. To drastically alter something about how I look right now during the holidays when the temptation to diet or restrict due to all the food situations I have to be around is definitely there. It gives me something else to take control of and gets my mind out of that box so I can look at the big picture. I think that's very crucial sometimes, to have a balance of living in the moment but also not getting to caught up to where you can't look beyond it. I don't know. I feel in a much better mood right now, even if I haven't really heard from him all day. I feel independent and, dare I say it, even a little pretty. 

Spencer's wedding is getting closer and closer and I'm getting nervous. I'm going to stand out so much. I'm not even invited to the actual wedding. I can't go in the temple, I'm not allowed. That really angers me and hurts my feelings even though I know he didn't make the rules. It makes me angry at him. 

I did have a little bit of a mess up yesterday after Thanksgiving dinner, but it could have been a lot worse. I'll got into it more later when I feel up to it. I just don't want to think about it too much right now, I know that's not very good but whatever. I'm in an okay mood and I just don't feel like dealing with it. 

 

I am grateful for all of the supportive people in my life who care about me unconitionally.
And I'm grateful to be alive.

Everyone take care of yourselves. 

 

"There’s a light bulb dangling from string
It’s slowly swaying up over my head now
As I jot down the words that’ll never be sung
And wait for my headache to numb
And the wind sounds as if the world’s sighing
And the moon’s just a torn fingernail
As the TV flickers and hums by the wall
And I wait for my eyesight to fade

And the bright-eyed choke on ambition
And the old folks circle their graves
And the young ones are busy destroying their names
And you’re still just wasting away.
I sit and watch the screen for a message
Some kinda sign that says we’re OK
But the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off
And wait for my conscience to break.

I hope you’re learning to listen
And I hope you’re learning to stay
And I hope you find what you’re missing
And I hope that you’re making you’re way
I’m a headcase if I don’t keep moving
And my head hurts if I don’t sit still
It’s an itch that I’ll never stop scratching
It’s a hole that I’ll never quite fill

So."

 

I'm really lonely, and I miss him so much.
I feel like a walking corpse...and I know that it will pass and maybe I'll move on and get over it. But I don't want to. I don't want this to be unimportant later. I don't want to move on and accept things.
I'm so tired of it. This is not what I wanted.  

This new puppy is saving my life.
He looks so happy to see me when I come in the room. How can I cry for very long when he needs me so much?
I don't think today would have been survivable without him.

 

I made an appoitment for Friday next week to get my hair dyed again. I don't really know what I'm doing next. I need something different and dramatic, I really do. That's how I'm feeling and I need to change myself physically, get that control back. I need to do that in a healthy way. I visited Ilea so she could look at my hair to see what she could do with it, if it was damaged at all from all the times I've dyed it. She was surprised and said, "I think we could bleach it again, your hair seems to be in good shape. You just have really good hair though." People tell me that a lot, I feel like it gets oily really fast, but I still like my hair. That's why tonight I realized I have to take care of myself too. I have to preserve that thing about myself that I do like, you know? My hair. I have to eat well and be healthy so I can keep my nice hair. I sat in front of the mirror tonight and tried not to think about my body or outer appearance too much and just brushed my hair and it's really silly but I said, "I love you" to my hair while I was brushing it. Because I do. Maybe I don't love myself right now yet...but I do love my hair. And if I can slowly, bit by bit, find parts of myself that I do like and learn to love them individually...maybe that can grow to be an all over thing someday.

 I need a job. I'm getting a car soon, so I'll need to be able to pay for gas so I can get to school and stuff. I'm being silly to dye my hair another crazy series of colors right now when I need a job. No one's going to hire me with my hair the way I truly want it to be. I've been considering just buying a very convincing, natural looking wig and wearing that to work. Maybe it would work. I don't know. 

I was reading some more of "The Teenage Liberation Handbook" last night, which is an amazing and very insightful book by the way,  and it was talking about how children actually usually have been shown to enter into "adulthood" when their society expects them to. And so in the US kids will usually begin acting like adults when they finally leave highschool...or when their parents stop supporting them, like we need that little push. I feel like I've grown a lot since I dropped out of school. I'm not saying I've gotten more mature or immature or anything for certain like that. Just that I've grown, changed. I feel like a lot of pressures and responsibilities have been put on me in a very short amount of time since then. And it's definitely changed me as a person. 

I've been thinking about certain things that I will and won't do with my life. I've been realizing how much stuff my mom has gone through on her own without anyone holding her hand during all of it.
Now that I'm scheduling classes and getting ready for the upcoming semester I feel scared. Like maybe I'm kidding myself. I've always not really thought about things before doing them. I have a bad habit of doing what feels right in the moment and dealing with the consequences later...or never dealing with them, running away.

In many ways I have a lot growing up to do. I don't really deal with my emotions correctly, and I'm very hormonal and moody and take things very personally a lot of the time. I'm immature in relationships, unhealthy. At the same time I feel like I've dealt with a lot of things in relationships that were very mature when I was very immature. I was talking to Ashley the other night and she said something about how awkward and horrible the 8th grade was for her. I agreed with her and told her all these stories about things I'd done and how I had just gotten out of the Kalvin situation and then stuff happened with Tanner and then all the stuff that happened with Dustin and how confusing it all was. She looked at me and said that when she was 13 in eighth grade she hadn't done anything with boys and it was less boy problems and more just hormonal stuff and being awkward and depressed about life. I felt really stupid and realized how young I was. I remember everything and look at my little sister and realize that it was like her doing all those things. Some really stupid things that I never should have done. I guess it made me angry. It made me angry at myself and at life and the situation. I felt some sort of loss and mourning for my younger self. I feel like I missed out on a lot of happy moments because I was so preoccupied with things that were beyond me and should have been unimportant. 

But I don't have any regrets. I would do it all again, not that I would ever want to. Once was plenty enough.

My mom was teasing me today about dating and stuff. She said, "Why aren't you dating now, Amy? You used to have all these little boyfriends when you were too young, and now that you're old enough to date you never go out. What's with that?" and she laughed because she thought it was really funny and just like me to only do things because I'm not supposed to, that I was like that since I was little. But it wasn't funny to me...it got me thinking. You know, I really would like to date right now. But I don't really want to. I care deeply for someone already.

I know that he's too old for me. Six years is a big age gap, especially for my age. I know that he lives too far away, and that's unrealistic. I know that his personality is one I would never want to date. I know that he gets bored easily, and he's kind of a jerk when it comes to girls. I know that he's been with a lot of girls and that he flirts with a lot of girls and basically has never been faithful to anyone. I know that I would never date him, I told him that. I know all of these things. And I'm not trying to say that I care about him in spite of these things or that I'm willing to put up with them or that I can "fix" him or that maybe he'd want to change for me. It's that I love him for those things, it's all of the things about him (even the bad) that make him him. And I love him, and I wouldn't change him. I love how he can't sit still for more than five seconds. I love the little voices he does for everything. I love how unembarassed he is around people, he just does what he feels like and doesn't think about it. I love how honest he is. I love the way he twitches in his sleep, and how gentle he is. I love that he touches my face and arm when he talks to me...and I love that it doesn't hurt when he does that, it doesn't make me want to turn away and pull back because it feels real. So if I'm so in love...why am I crying while I type this? Because maybe, just maybe I'm being realistic and seeing that as much as I care right now is as much as it would never work. It will never work and it never will be. And life is so unfair that way. I know that someone who is reading this is probably hurting so much right now that I can't imagine. I get hurt by someone and I am hurting others.

Everyone loves someone who they can't have. That's how it feels. And that upsets me so much...I just don't know what to do with all that overwhelming emotion and helplessness I feel towards people. While I sit here in love and pain from the way it that my feelings are impossible...someone else hurts in love too.

I'm a bad person, I think.
I've done some really bad things to people who never deserved it. And I don't even know why. Can I ever forgive myself? And can I ever make it right? I don't know if I would ever forgive me.
Why do we hurt each other so much?

I really dislike myself right now. My thighs and my stomach are always on my mind. Which is why I'm dying my hair. Maybe that will take my mind off of it. Normally I would just restrict and exercise those body parts, but I know that I can't. So I'm focusing on my hair...the hair I have because I'm healthy, the hair that is "good hair" that I love so that I can dye it. So maybe I can start to love my thighs and my stomach.
Love is so unrequited, so I have to start learning to love myself. Maybe if I love myself I won't need to look anywhere else for something to make whole whatever it is inside that feels either broken or just not there.  

 

I have some things I actually want to do right now.
And they're unimportant and silly, some of them at least, but they're important to me...and I have a feeling if I did some of them it would be a good, healthy thing for me. And maybe I'd realize things aren't so bad. And maybe I'd feel like a productive member of society. Maybe I'd even feel good about myself.

I want to paint my room. I want to paint my room with lyrics. Just paint over what I already have with lyrics. I already mostly know what songs I'm going to use. At first I was going to invite all my friends over to re-paint it again...like I did last time. But now I've decided this is a project I want to do on my own. It's pretty personal. And I'm going to leave a lot of the old stuff on the wall that my friends painted...because it's an important memory, days I can never get back. But I'm just going to add to it because the story didn't end there. 

Of course, I need to clean my room too first if I want to get that done. Cleaning my room would probaby make me feel so much better. It's a mess right now, things jumbled and thrown around everywhere. 

I'm going to dye my hair again. Still not sure what I want to do with it, but I have a feeling I really need that right now.

I want to get my tattoo also. 

I need to express myself. Get out all my aggression and just...go crazy with it. Make something beautiful.

Here's all my crazy, up late at night thinking again. But I really do need to get all these things done.
I am still going to go to school. Give it a shot, I guess.
I want to make a difference though.
I want to go somewhere and make a difference. I don't care about myself and getting a degree so I can make money.
Money never mattered, my family just lets it take over.

The other thing I want to do is talk to my mom about finding a therapist that our insurance will cover.
Whoever it is better get ready.

 

I don't think I want to go to college. I just feel like I'm supposed to.
I don't think...I don't think I know what I want anymore.
We shouldn't have to feel so guilty for doing something that makes us happy. It shouldn't hurt so much to take care of yourself in this society.  

I went to visit and stay the weekend with him, and for the most part I had a really good time.
We only ended up going to one show, and it was outside...so the huge group of people part somehow wasn't so hard to handle outside with more space to move around. I didn't feel so boxed in.
He treated me really nicely and I got along really well with all of his friends. Really well.
Before we left for the show, the first night I was there, Vicki said something about him and the really small girl dating.
Needless to say that made me feel like I'd just been gutted like a fish.
I had come there to spend the weekend at his place and I felt so stupid. I kept thinking, of course he chose her.
After that I guess I put a lot of space between him and myself as a protection and coping mechanism. I felt so hurt and ugly, not to mention I was in pain from having started my period.
I had just met this huge group of people who I didn't know at all. The only other person I knew there slightly well was Nick. So I ended up hanging out near him a lot of that night. It felt like he was the only person who wouldn't hurt me.
I kept thinking that if I held S's hand or cuddled up with him at the show it was only going to hurt me. If he really was dating that girl, if he really was just using me then I didn't want to be affectionate and get even more attatched. Because I really love him, and I didn't want to make it worse, harder to make myself let go.

I got to meet the girl again. She loves me. It turns out we have a lot in common, to the point where it's creepy. I can tell from hearing her talk she had/has an eating disorder. She even said that even though she's ninteen she's finally starting to get her period again because it had gone away for a few years because of "eating and stress issues".
The whole night she talked to me, hugged me, took pictures with me. She was really friendly, and she kept saying, "I like you!" and that she wanted to be friends. She asked for my number and invited me to a party at her house and told me that she wished I lived closer...that she wanted me to spend the night. She even told him to get me to come over every weekend so we could all hang out more.
The whole thing was painful because I wanted to dislike her, but I couldn't. All I could think about, watching her, is that she is better than me in every way. Even nicer.
I tried to let it go.
He noticed how distant I was being, and I think it bothered him...hurt his feelings. I wasn't talking to him a lot, I was angry and hurt and insecure and hormonal.
I was supposed to come over there and hold hands and be close and have fun, and I didn't. I ruined it with my insecurity and my unwillingness to just talk to him about it, and tell him what my concerns were. I should have done that.

Anyway, Nick and he and I went back to his place. He offered to sleep on the couch, but I told him he didn't need to do that.
When we got into bed and turned out the lights, he held onto me really tightly. We went to sleep curled up against each other, and it was all I'd ever wanted, I think. Non-sexual...really loving. I didn't know what to do with it. I was really awkward, I think. I hope he didn't notice. We had the stuffed dog he gave me between us too. Suddenly all of my anger and hurt and everything just melted away...and we talked for a while and then we fell asleep.

He woke me up early in the morning so that we could go to his band practice. I actually really like his band's music. They're very good, and so is he. You can tell he's very passionate about drumming, and that he has a lot of fun doing it. A lot of drummers make funny faces when they drum, but he just smiles like a little kid at Christmas, it's great. 

I think that's my favorite version of him...when he's drumming. He looks a lot more innocent and kind. I want to just keep him like that, while he's doing what he loves. Keep him that way, in that feeling. 

We went home and I took a shower. According to him, that girl and I both use the same face wash and chapstick. We ordered pizza and watched the old x-men cartoons with Nick. It was really, really fun. Then we went to the movies, and then we went back to that girl's house and hung out with her. I was still being distant when she was around, so I ended up gravitating to Nick. 

S and that girl were cuddling and acting like a couple and my heart about burst. But I pretended like I didn't notice. And when she ran up to me to take a picture I smiled happily. I look at that picture now and wonder if anyone can tell how hurt I was in it when they look at my eyes. Probably not. 

We went home and got into bed silently. We didn't cuddle. But he grabbed my hand and we held hands under the pillows until we fell alseep. I think that was my favorite part of the whole visit...that night. Just holding hands and lying next to each other. 

The next day we watched another movie at his house. He had filled the fridge with Yoohoo for me and I kept wondering why he was acting so close with her if this weekend had been about me visiting him. But even though it hurt I didn't worry about it. I tried not to think about it and enjoy the moment. With him and Nick I spent so much time laughing and having fun that day. We just had a really good time. And for a few hours, I didn't have an eating disorder, I wasn't depressed, and I wasn't worried about how he felt about me or anything else. It was just us, and that was all that mattered. I want to bottle that feeling and breathe it twenty four-seven.

We said goodbye, he said I love you.
Nick drove me home.

I was still hurt and confused about that girl and his feelings, but I was also still buzzing from how much fun I had had. And how nicely he had treated me. He didn't even try to kiss me. I was still warm from holding his hand all night.
And I kept thinking about how he had said something to me about me being important to him. I was telling him that it was wrong how he made fun of some of the girls he talks to or goes out on a date with. And then I said that he probably did the same thing to me when I wasn't around and I was texting him too.
But he said, "No, because you're not just some girl I'm dating or trying to date. You're my friend and you're important, so you're different. I don't make fun of you like that."

And guess what? I believe him. 

Shortly after I got home though he sent me a text message that said, "This weekend didn't go how I had expected :("

I told him I felt the same, and asked him if it hand anything to do with something I'd done.

He told me, "Not really. It's just that you and Nick seemed like you were digging each other the whole time and you weren't really talking to me, so I didn't act affectionate with you or anything because I didn't want to get in your guys way."

I wanted to start crying and I was so angry, I said, "Wow...lol, um, no. I don't like Nick. I came there for you. And it seemed to me like you and (the girl) were digging each other and even dating, so I even though I didn't want to, I didn't act very affectionate either. "

He replied, "Damn, I was pretty sure it seemed like Nick was into you. The only reason why I was acting that way with (the girl) was because of the way you and Nick seemed like you guys liked each other. Which I wouldn't be angry if that were the case, I just don't want to be affectionate with you if so because I don't want to get in the way of my friend's interest." 

I was crying at this point and said, "Well, I came there for you. And I don't know about how Nick feels, but from the way he was talking on the way home, it sounds to me like he likes that other girl. And the only reason why didn't act affectionate like I wanted to was because I felt insecure and you were being affectionat with her. I like you and I didn't want to get more attatched and get hurt."

He said, "Well, my friends love you and you're awesome so I'm sure you'll be back here again. I guess it's a good thing we didn't get attatched either way."

I asked, "Why do you think it's a good thing we didn't get attatched, just curious?"

"The distance, it kills. And it just wouldn't be realistic for us to try anything with us so far away, it sucks." 

I said, "Yeah, I guess I agree. It's none of my buisiness, but are you and (the girl) dating? Sorry for the interrogation, but I'm curious."

"No, we're not."

"Okay, sorry haha. One more question, I promise. Do you like me?" 

"Are you kidding me? I pretty much like just about everything about you. I think you're awesome. And my friends like you too. You're way adorable, by the way. And just holding your hand before we slept, that was nice."

"Well, even though it didn't go the way I wanted it to, I had a good time this weekend. And I really like you."

"That's a good and bad thing then. Oh, and (the girl) told me she wants me to tell you to come over every weekend. And I wish you could too." 

And that's about where our conversation died out.
I don't know where we stand right now, I guess as good friends. That's how it should be.
The thing is that now I almost want more than that. I want to hold his hand and see him all the time. My heart was about to break there when I thought he was basically giving me a hint to leave him a lone for a second there.
I was really hurt and confused and angry at myself that night.

I don't really know how I feel right now.
It was silly to get so upset. But I'm feeling better.
And I don't know...

I don't know.

I didn't eat very well while I was there. So many triggers that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and my emotional stuff.
I wish I were more "normal" about relationship stuff.
I don't know.

A lot more is going on besides silly boy stuff right now. But I'm tired of typing.
Good night.