I'm sure one day I'll be all alone and have no one to blame but myself.
Everyone was right.
Claire said, "I love you, but I can't let you do this to me, I have to try to forget you."
Brandon said he sometimes thought that I was bulimic with people or friends.
Ceslie said, "You give them everything, and then you take it all away."

I think Ashley is angry with me. I'm sure I'm jumping to crazy conclusions and it's all a misunderstanding, but she seems cold and upset to me. And it's never been like that before.
The only reason for it that I could think about why she'd be angry is because yesterday I went and hung out at Shannon and Leslie's and helped them film something, and it was Drew and Stu and the whole group there, and she was gone on a trip. Maybe she feels left out...?
I feel so guilty right now though. It's ridiculous. I'm having a panic attack over the idea that Ashely MIGHT be angry at me when I didn't do anything wrong in the first place.

Maybe it's because I feel like I can't do anything right lately for anyone.

I want to see him, of course, and be near to him...but I'm afraid that means he'll want to cuddle with me and kiss me because that's what he always says he wants to do. To kiss me and cuddle with me. This should be ideal to me.
But it's not. I don't want anyone to touch me. How can I tell him that? How can I explain that I really don't want to be touched or looked at right now?

I think I did terribly on my ACT. Terribly.
I went in feeling okay and left feeling so down.
This was supposed to be a piece of cake, but I feel so stupid.

Already I'm looking for reasons to run away from him. Already he's getting old, he's getting scary, his closeness scares me. Already I started thinking of what I'm going to do if I need to get away from and get over him.
I realize now that if he stopped talking to me I would literally have no one left that I'm on good terms with right now. No close friends. Nothing.
My "close friends"...well, I don't know how they feel about me right now. Probably something very negative.
What am I doing with myself?
Why am I doing this? I feel like it's all been a dream, and I don't understand where I am right now, how did I get here?
I don't understand when or how any of the past few years happened. Literally sometimes I get past events all molded into the same time period and I'll think two years ago was last week. I don't know what's wrong with me.

When he and I talk, I never mention any of the old stuff. I don't want him to know my history or anything else about me now that's he's got the basics. Or maybe I just don't want to tell him. I want him to know, I want him to know and accept me.
But I don't want him to know...I want to be a new me, and I want him to love this new me.
But the new me is so ugly and cruel to people.

There is a man who came into the bookstore on Saturday and it happened again. I found out he doesn't live in Eunice and after we started talking about books I immediately felt like dropping everything and attatching myself to him. I caught myself and realized what I was doing.
It hurt so much to realize I forgot about the person I'm supposed to love. I forgot about everything and just wanted to get out of there wherever he was going.
I disgust myself with my immaturity.
This says something about me.
This all says that there's something inside of me that needs to be looked at before I look to someone else to help.
I feel like I can't control myself.

I was thinking about him and I just started thinking about how now that things are going well I just feel trapped and worried.

Will I ever have a healthy, happy relationship?
Will I ever let myself just love and be with someone?

And now I'm worried that now that I've admitted it to myself that I have a huge issue with people and relationships that maybe that's not a good thing, maybe I'm doing it on purpose, making it a self fulfilling prophecy.

The truth is that I care so much, and I'm not getting bored or weirded out by the affection, but I think I feel undeserving.
I'm not sure.

I've been thinking about Kalvin a lot.
Been thinking about writing him and telling him who I am.
Been thinking I should have forgotten about him the day he left.
Been thinking about what it would be like to start talking to him again...if I played my cards right and did all the right things like I usually try to do, if we'd start talking and he'd fall "in love" too.
Been thinking about why I would want any of that.
Been thinking about how much it hurts that he doesn't seem to remember.
Been thinking about how it feels like I might break in half.
Why do I want to tell him about everything that happened since?
Why do I want to tell him everything...and that I kept my promise, and that I'm still an actress in every sense of the word?

During the ACT I kept looking around the room. I had a panic attack basically. Not about the test. Not about school. About my weight. About how I wasn't sure if I was bigger than another girl in the room or not. I kept thinking about how her pants looked like a pair of pants I have at home that I can't even pull up over my thighs anymore. I kept thinking about it.
And that's when I looked down at the paper in front of me and couldn't process any of it.
I just kept thinking about it and wondering what it was that I wanted.
I want to lose weight. I'm not even going to lie.
I want to be smaller.
I want to fit back into all my clothes.
But I also want to be happy.

I actually had a really good phone conversation with him tonight. It was very, very good.
We discussed what happens if and when he gets a girlfriend in the immediate future. He said that we'd still talk on the phone and everything as much as we do because we can have conversations without being flirty or as more than friends. He said it wouldn't cut into phone time with his gf because he's never before talked to anyone on the phone that he's dated like this. I said that was exactly my point, that it would be kind of strange for him to have a girlfriend and then another girl that he talked to on the phone every night like that.
He said, "Well, she'd just have to understand. I'd just tell her 'Amy is my best friend, and I love her.'"
I am so deeply into this, that I can't even see the light out anymore.

I know I had something else to say...
I'm not sure.
I can't help but feel really depressed right now. I feel like I'm drifting on little moments that mean nothing in the end and neglecting the people and things that really matter. I feel lost and in a dream state. I feel like if I keep holding on it's going to kill me.
Why do I feel so ashamed for being healthy?
Why am I effing JEALOUS of people who have relapsed right now?
I hate my stomach, I hate it. But I know I won't let myself do anything about it because I feel like it would hurt people.
And that should be a good thing. But it makes me so weak, and like I don't have a "real" eating disorder because if I did then I wouldn't eat as much as I do.
I feel like a faker, but I know it's very real.
I know I'm barely hanging on.
I'm barely hanging on and I'm too stubborn to ask for help. And the people who were below me offering their hands out to me got tired of waiting around in disappoitment and have walked away by now and I don't blame them.
And now I'm just hanging on when what I really meant to say was "Help me."
But I can't ask for that because I know if I asked for anyone to come back, I would just push them away.

Why do I suck so much?
What do I even want?